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Am i Over thinking? Advise please...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by CuteCherry, Mar 6, 2015.

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  1. Mar 6, 2015 #1
    CuteCherry

    CuteCherry Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    Sorry for a lengthy post. Kindly share your opinion please.

    I am a working mother of 3 year old kid, married 4 and half years back. Mine is a love cum arranged marriage.I don’t have a FIL.I have MIL, 2SILs (elder SIL is so senior and got married) and BIL.
    My MIL always tries to dominate and try to make me unhappy by all means. Some scenarios for eg:
    When I got pregnancy, I called to my MIL(was living in village) and informed happily. The first thing I heard from her is “go and get abortion”, really I felt shocked. The reason she said “we started looking proposals for SIL, if u r pregnant, how can u sit in kalyanamantapam and do kanyadanam?”. But by mother’s support and words, I didn’t do what she said, and told her I can’t do it. During my pregnancy period, she came to my home in the name of taking care of me and used to tell, you should deliver a baby boy only. Girl baby should not be born like that. I was very unhappy and got angry with her words, but didn’t fight back, as my hubby supported me at that time.
    After delivery, she came to hospital, to see the baby. I was suffering with feeding problem, due to inverted nipples. At that time she said “If I have mutton (Non veg), will I get milk? So that I can feed baby!” really I felt wonder by listening her words. I think nobody might not heard a granny feeding her new born grand son in this world.
    Whenever I ware some nice saree or dress, she used to tell, don’t ware this, it is very old model, not good, etc. Like these incidents are many….
    After my ML, before I rejoin to office, I thought to leave my kid at daycare as Mil told, she can’t come until both SIL and BIL got married(Even my mom cant come as dad has diebetes and do agriculture). But my sister didn’t allow me to leave him at day care and took him with her. Until baby gets 2 years he was with my sis, i used to go every/alternate weekend to my sis home town and spend the weekends with him. Later I brought him here and joined to day care.

    Recently both my SIL and Bil marriages were over. Me and my husband have done all the tasks as per responsibility like looking marriage proposals, marriage works,etc. but at last in BIL’s marriage she said, you don’t have relation ship(sambandam) to do any task…which hurt me a lot, but as i dont want to make it a scene i kept quite.

    Now she has come to my home(She didnt come when we were in need).Its good that she is helping me in cooking, taking care of baby after day care , and before we come home. But I am unable to mingle with her freely. Whenever she spoke nicely with me(only in front of my hubby she behaves so nice), all the incidents that she hurt me comes to my mind.

    My mom told, leave all the past, and be good to her, and treat her as your mom. But I am unable to forget all the pain she caused me.
    I told to my DH, but he fought with me and told to forget all the things, and be obidient/nice to her.
    Please advise me, am I over thinking about past? If I am silent for all her words, she will try to dominate me always right?
     
    CuteCherry, Mar 6, 2015
    CuteCherry, Mar 6, 2015
    #1
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  2. Mar 6, 2015 #2
    AprilLisa

    AprilLisa Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    You are not over thinking or anything. Its just that you are hurt and are unable to forget or forgive her.

    I would suggest for your own good, forgive her and move on. She has shown her nature with her bad behavior. You show your nature with your good behavior. You will feel good. And now that she is taking care of your child and helping you be grateful. Imagine how it would be to live with her if she is hostile all the time like she was earlier. Slowly you will get immune to her words and inconsiderate behavior.

    Have peace and be happy.
     
    AprilLisa, Mar 6, 2015
    AprilLisa, Mar 6, 2015
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  3. Mar 6, 2015 #3
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    No Op...you are not over thinking.You are a kind woman to even allow that monster in your life.
    If any one had asked me to abort my child...that person would be dead to me for ever.Your mil is a cruel mean woman.It is a shame that your husband doesn't think asking to kill his child is not okay.

    Advise: I have none Op.It just makes me numb that a grand mother has be so cruel ....Then the %^&** wan't to breast feed the baby too.Sick woman.

    Sorry for the outburst op...you have my sympathies ..having to live with her and having to treat her 'like a mother' because your family thinks that she deserves it..Hugs to you and will pray for you.
     
    yellowmango, Mar 6, 2015
    yellowmango, Mar 6, 2015
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  4. Mar 6, 2015 #4
    coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello op,
    hugs to u dear...u r not overthinking....you have seen the real nature of your mil....so dont do the mistake of considering her like ur mom....
    she is behaving in good manner...u also behave good.. but dont mingle with her too much....maintain distannce....just polite and formal relationship....
    also dont get dominated .....positively and politely assert ur rights....give a clear message thru ur behaviour tht if u r good i m good....if u r bad consider me out....
     
    coolgal123, Mar 6, 2015
    coolgal123, Mar 6, 2015
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  5. Mar 6, 2015 #5
    indoc

    indoc Gold IL'ite

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    @OP...
    Nothing new here.. she's a typical MIL.. just endure her.. let her live
     
    indoc, Mar 6, 2015
    indoc, Mar 6, 2015
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  6. Mar 6, 2015 #6
    MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Your MIL is a piece of work. I am sorry you have to put up with such nonsense. Be formal and polite with her. Do the basic things but not exert yourself. Since your DH is unwilling to hear anything against her, do not raise this topic.
    You can give her a dose of her own medicine by acting extra sweet to her when your DH and other in laws are around. Do as you please the rest of the time. You certainly don't have to treat her like a mother.
     
    MalStrom, Mar 6, 2015
    MalStrom, Mar 6, 2015
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  7. Mar 7, 2015 #7
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    It is all in the packaging and how you present it. Instead of being open and blunt and telling husband 'I cannot forget the past' think how you can present it tactfully.

    Of course, your husband (and mother) will tell you to "forget the past" and "be nice to her." What else can they say!

    What you do is tell husband (and even MIL) something like:
    "I am trying to put the past behind me. I want to. It will take time. In the meanwhile, I need some help and support as I work on putting it behind me. I also don't want to hang on to the bad memories, but an acknowledgment of my suffering would help me get over it. Help me help myself, and that will help us all"

    Basically some such bull like customer service gives "we are looking into the matter, inconvenience is regretted, your patience is appreciated"

    Then, go about your life coolly. Minimize interaction with her. Be nice, take care of her, appreciate her help, appreciate the fact that your child gets to spend precious time with grandmother. Take your time to heal. Time truly is the best healer in such cases. Don't let anyone hurry you up or make you feel guilty for taking time to put the past behind you.

    Once in a while calmly without nagging or getting emotional, remind husband that you are a human being, not a computer with an erase/delete option.
     
    Rihana, Mar 7, 2015
    Rihana, Mar 7, 2015
    #7
    guesshoo, (deleted member), (deleted member) and 6 others like this.
  8. Mar 7, 2015 #8
    VanithaSudhir

    VanithaSudhir Platinum IL'ite

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    @rihanna How do you even think like this ?? Heights of Lateral Thinking.. laugh1smiley
     
    VanithaSudhir, Mar 7, 2015
    VanithaSudhir, Mar 7, 2015
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  9. Mar 7, 2015 #9
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    :) I had to look up Lateral Thinking.
    Lateral thinking is solving problems through an indirect and creative approach, using reasoning that is not immediately obvious and involving ideas
    ​

    I am going to actually answer that with a longish answer. : )

    It often happens in Indian family scenario. The DIL is wronged, and puts up with it for some time. Generally speaking people agree and know that she suffered for no fault of hers. But, they just want her to put it behind her, and move on. She cannot. Not so easy to forget comments received during childbirth and early mommyhood. The DIL also wants to forget, but needs time. This "need time to forget and move on" is a relatively foreign funda in the Indian scenario.

    So, have to present it in a nicely packaged format. A format that doesn't belittle the MIL, doesn't need the past to be recounted in detail, doesn't make husband defensive or call upon him to man up too much, and doesn't need the DIL to become a computer with erase option. : )
     
    Rihana, Mar 7, 2015
    Rihana, Mar 7, 2015
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  10. Mar 7, 2015 #10
    nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Loved your win - win solution. :wow
     
    nb25, Mar 7, 2015
    nb25, Mar 7, 2015
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