Need some advice

newwife · Mar 5, 2015

I am sure many of you ladies have overbearing in laws. I am wondering if anyone shares my problem.
My husband is very attached to his family. Like most men, he does not like lengthy conversations, but if his parents or siblings involve him in one, he will at least listen for as long as they want to talk.

This seems like a small problem but my in laws can be quite overbearing. MIL/FIL live with us. MIL likes to spend every waking moment with husband. Which means after dinner she will insist that he spend some time talking to her (and she can talk and talk about her day and what this relative said over the phone and what that relative said) and my husband will listen to her. She will occupy many of his evenings and weekends this way by talking to him which means I do not get alone time with him.

SIL is a chapter of her own. She is not much interested in her marriage, and her husband mostly likes to work long hours. She will keep my husband on phone for a long time for one reason or another. When we are hanging out with friends, she will get her son or daughter to call him because they miss their uncle and must talk to him right there and then. Some weekends will begin with her call and she will let him off the phone when he insists that he needs to shower and eat breakfast. She will call immediately after breakfast and keep him on phone for two hours. Then will call again in the afternoon. Then again when we are having dinner at restaurant. Even if my husband tells her we are eating at restaurant, she will continue talking to him. Last evening he spent most of the dinner talking to her on phone and me eating food silently. Then on our ride home she called again. Of course she did this under the pretext that her son wants to talk to his uncle. Her son is 2 years old and SIL was the one doing all the talking "did you say to your uncle that you went to zoo today....and did you tell him you saw a big big lion"....in babyish language.

If I object, I am told by my spouse that I am jealous of his bond with this family.
The kind of things that the SIL likes to talk about is anything and everything from her parenting style, to what her kids did in school, to what she cooked, bought for groceries, which alarm clock she should buy, etc.. or a problem such as "how do I fix my computer", "how do I download music"

Am I overreacting? Is this normal?
P.S. During 7 or 8 hour conversations she has on weekends, she will never ask to speak to me or say hi to me even though she may know we are hanging out.

MalStrom · Mar 5, 2015

This is so weird I don't know what to say. I talk to my brother for about 30 minutes every week or so,slightly longer with my parents. The first thing we ask each other when we call is whether everyone is free to talk. How can one have an hours-long conversation about everyday trivia? Even a Seinfeld episode is only half an hour long.
In this case, unfortunately your husband has to be the one to put his foot down. He needs to make you a priority, and firmly tell whoever is calling that it is not a good time. Otherwise he will simply blame you for complaining. He probably finds it easier to find fault with you than stand up to his family.

nb25 · Mar 5, 2015

newwife said: ↑

If I object, I am told by my spouse that I am jealous of his bond with this family.
The kind of things that the SIL likes to talk about is anything and everything from her parenting style, to what her kids did in school, to what she cooked, bought for groceries, which alarm clock she should buy, etc.. or a problem such as "how do I fix my computer", "how do I download music"

Am I overreacting? Is this normal?
P.S. During 7 or 8 hour conversations she has on weekends, she will never ask to speak to me or say hi to me even though she may know we are hanging out.
Click to expand...

OP,

You are not overreacting at all.

Don't ask DH not to spend time talking to SIL/MIL. Get involved in the talking. Say - Oh, I should greet SIL. Then, ask DH to give you the phone, so you can talk to her. Go on talking about your day, ask about hers, ask about her husband and kid, basically overshare. Then give the phone to DH in the end. You will gain brownie points with DH for talking to his family members, and SIL will become tired of calling up all the time.

Another thing you can do is start calling your family all the time, when DH is around. Don't give him a chance to speak at all. Stay busy with your phone calls. Then he will grow tired of it, and say let us not talk to our families so much. You can agree reluctantly.

butterflyice · Mar 5, 2015

Newwife, you are not over-reacting. I was sailing in a similar boat for the first 5 years of my marriage. It drove me nuts to say the least.

Apart from the excellent suggestions that the other posters here have made, I would suggest you to get your husband involved in starting a business (if he is into IT and has some entrepreneurship interest) or both of you can sign up for classes together perhaps at the gym or at the local community college that matches your interest. That way you will be together doing something productive and be away from phone calls!

sugugiri2010 · Mar 5, 2015

Hi,This happens in my family too... but if u raise voice immediately they will not accept it... u need to change it slowly...Tell him: I dont mind u talking to ur mom and Sis for hours, but i wanted u to spend atleast an hour with me chatting and so.When ever her sis gives a call , just casually ask for the phone as if u want to talk to her, and say oh sis thats great u ppl went for zoo, i think u enjoyed , we are at restaurant now, the order has come , we will talk later(put some honey coated words like this) then she will understand.make ur hus slowly understand how much he is important for u, u wanted some valuable time with him to make the day special.tell him, if we dont spend much time now then in future we may feel bad that we failed to enjoy the golden days.But dear dont expect him to change immediately, he will take time, but will change

indoc · Mar 5, 2015

Kya family hai.... how can they manage to have 6-7 hours spare time for chit-chatting..

guesshoo · Mar 5, 2015

You are not over reacting. Tell your husband that you are not jealous but just plain irritated that you don't have time with him. Tell him you need some ground rules:

1. While you both are out socialising / having a meal, he must put his phone on silent.
2. You need x hours uninterrupted time with him every week - does not include bedroom time - doing things you both enjoy.

Alternately, when his sister talks to him incessantly, ring your husband go in as a second call and tell him, "Miss you baby! So wanted to talk to you. So, how has your week been?" while sitting right across the table from him.

shari2003 · Mar 6, 2015

The trick to make a person want a thing is to make the thing difficult to get. Follow this rule, make yourself seem unavailable or busy for your spouse all the time when he needs you and it might work. Alongside, like the other posters suggested, get the phone from him while he is speaking to SIL and speak to her about some useless stuff for some time and then say goodbye and put the phone down.