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How to handle this?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anuraram1234, Mar 3, 2015.

  1. anuraram1234

    anuraram1234 New IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    I am married in 2005,9 years passed away.Mine is love marriage.
    I am working women and have two kids.my kids are 5 and 3 years.i live in USA.For both the delivery my MIL was there.And my mom came after that.DH forced me to bring his mom , MIL insisted to come because she was not called by my co-sister for her delivery.Even thought she talk silly words,helped and i also have work at office and do shopping and help at home too.

    Many times MIL had thrown angry face for talking care of my kid during the daytime when i work and cooking during my due date.My husband does travel job and he is here only once in two weeks.He will not even care to help,he takes rest ,talks with is friends and goes for night out and spend time with friends.and i have to cook for him.wont even care to take care of kids and i had to do every thing by my self.I Had to do his office work also if he gets too much pressure.But always insist to keep the house clean and i have to take care of the kids properly it seems.
    If i ask him to help me my atleast watching kids,for the days that he is here.He blames that i fighted with MIL(which is not true) and so they are not coming.If i behaved nicely they will come and take care of my kids
    Sick of calling mom or MIL.we did that many time and they are also not interested and they are old and they have fear that if they get sick ,it is difficult.

    Want to get help from him,atleast in weekends? how to ask?He might be angry or ,i dont know how to handle it?


    He also tries to save his money in buying property and i had to spend for all the household.I was not interesed in fighting for money and just left it,since i can earn and not worried about this part.
    But i heard my sis saying you need some savings,since you cant work all the life time?
    Since all the property is in his native in his moms name and they wont allow me to interfere in theirs.My money is also included in that.
    Now i feel that i needed some savings from my salary that i can access.
    He just fights .I am worried about fighting back ,since i think it affects my kids future.Please advice
     
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  2. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Till he agrees to help out , Outsource all your cleaning jobs . Keep your cooking simple and just focus on kids when you are off work .

    Don't help out in his office work , tell him you are busy .
    Start saving from your salary , invest in 401k , buy gold etc . When he is at home on weekends ask him to get groceries and pay the bills etc . Or automate them in his bank account . Just be assertive . If he talks about mil , tell she is old and cannot run behind kids . TELL Him if required you are ready to quit . You cannot take care of everything alone .
     
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  3. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    The savings needs of course be in your name if you have saved for it.

    Regarding house chores, make a list (´cooking, laundry, cleaning etc) and make him pick half of the list. If he is against it tell it is not fair as you are also working.
     
  4. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Some men absolutely refuse to grow up no matter what.
    1) If he picks up a fight when you ask him to help-dont fall for the trap. Say calmly that whatever be the reason, you need help now and he has to help.
    2) Savings - start your own methods- someone suggested 401k, policies in India etc.
    3) Even if he is saving,it may not be in his name-so you need to start looking at options for yourselves-a property in your name or something. Talk to him about it.
     
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  5. Sahana1

    Sahana1 New IL'ite

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    I agree with @CrayoNess
    Regards,
    Sahana
     
  6. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Don't ask for his help. Ask him to fulfill his responsibilities. There is a difference in the two approaches.
     
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  7. AprilLisa

    AprilLisa Gold IL'ite

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    It does not come easily to Indian men. They feel its fair for them to work, earn money come back home and relax and do nothing. Rest all is wife's job/responsibility, even if she is working. She is working, its her choice. By working she is living her life in her own terms, she is enjoying outside, that can be no reason for her to get excuses from her so called job...right?
     
  8. AprilLisa

    AprilLisa Gold IL'ite

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    That is so true Gauri!! So TRUE.
     
  9. suryakala

    suryakala IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @anuraram1234 ,

    From what I read, I find love is missing in your home.How is that you have not won your husband's heart even after 9 years of marriage? Did you make conscious efforts to win him for you?

    All the issues for help, mil, money vanish once there is a feeling in both of you that the spouse loves and respects. Create that atmosphere in your home. You can do that with a little bit of tact and adjustment. A little bit of planning how to make him happy and feel being cared for. These nuances you only can find from your own experience. It is communicated in thousand ways.:)

    Then you can see how he takes care of you and your children.

    Best of luck DD.
     
  10. docathome

    docathome Gold IL'ite

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    Marriage requires equal input from both sides.. Its not about one person alone one winning another one's heart, in my opinion. He is an equal partner n has to accept his responsibility as a husband n father.. He can't run away and imagine he is some kind of a visiting king or something.. Dear OP pls start saving small amounts from your salary in your name and outsource whatever you can.make your husband pay for the household help. Take sometime for yourself n try to be happy..
     
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