Bracing myself for a fresh MIL encounter PLUS the Gifting Woes Continue!!

drnamshara · Jan 31, 2015

As I mentioned in the prior post, DH is away on an onsite posting..

My little SILs daughter, apple of our eyes, turns 1 this week, and its a day long big grand event with havans and poojas and to follow suite we also have an egg less orthodox party!! :mrgreen:

Its been 6 months since that eventful day of me moving out of ILs house.
SIL stays close by to them with her ILs.
DH kept preventing me from going to SILs place to see the baby all these months as it will be unfair if my ILs get to know that I visited SIL and not them! PLUS as MIL had treated even SILs DH very badly, her MIL is also very annoyed with and sarcastic about my MIL.
To prevent fueling any gossip of us moving out into separate house DH told me to stay away.

Now I will be seeing them all after a long time, and pray that no one asks anything in-front of my MIL about me absconding since long!

NOW FOR MY ISSUES: Pls give me some motivation!!

1) DH has requested that I coordinate with MIL and reach the venue together with ILs to prevent raised eyebrows at the function!
As he isnt around this time, I need to call her myself and we all enter the hall together!!! Oh buoy!!! GULP!! :shaking:
SIL on the other hand has told me I have a big role to play and a long task list of running around. I am happy to be there.....but MIL.....................

2) Me and DH planned to gift the kid a car or a cycle. MIL wants us to give gold instead. So DH is giving her our contribution, and she will be purchasing and giving to the kid.
I pay....I go empty handed to the function???? :idontgetit:
Is this fair??? Is this what families do "together"???
And this will go on forever till ILs are around??
Acceptable custom?
I am feeling lost!!!!
And with DH not around I dont know what I will do!!

armummy · Feb 1, 2015

It is usually acceptable practice that you present gold on 1st bday. It is also common as a combined gift from joint family.

if your concern is going empty handed , take a small token gift like book or doll something inexpensive and give it along with gold.

if your concern is acknowledgement of your contribution in them gift , you can subtly tell Sil before hand that since you and pils are already buying gold as main gift, you also want to give some small kid stuff and that you are planning to a buy a book/doll , and want to know what books/ doll she already has so you can avoid duplicating it

guesshoo · Feb 1, 2015

Your mil is an adult who behaves terribly. I don't see why you should withhold showing affection to your niece to appease her. Different people, different equations. And if your SIL's mil were to talk ill about your mil, the mature thing to do is to smile and change the topic. Constantly till they get the message!

1. For the ceremony, since your SIL has said there is a lot of work, save yourself and go early and directly. There is no need to enter together. Get your SIL to tell your mil that she needs your help and hence mil has to make her own way there.

2. Token gift as armummy suggested.

nb25 · Feb 2, 2015

If you want to project a united front in pubic, then greet your PILs when they enter, have them seated and get starters or drinks for them. Don't give them a chance to talk much. Go away on the pretext of helping SIL. No one will ask awkward questions then. You can always explain to others that you came early to help SIL. Your husband should know that you have made a gesture, keeping his advice in mind, and do not wish to insult them in public. But you should do this only if you are comfortable talking to them again. It should not be seen as a weakness on your part. If your PILs are the sort who can create drama in public, then stay away, don't bother about them at all. Keep busy with the work.

YoGirl · Feb 2, 2015

Not a wise idea to combine the gift with MIL.Give it separately even if it is small gift..that way..your gift will be remembered.

In unavoidable cases, tell your SIL indirectly that you are planning to gift something in gold and ask her choices(coin\jewellery)..and that you might combine it with MIL if needed.

gauridinesh · Feb 2, 2015

1) I agree with the other posters who say that there is no need for you to go together. You could reach early and if someone asks, just tell that you came directly from your shift- or that your SIL requested to come earlier as there is some work to do. MIL will reach later.Be cordial to your in-laws.
2) If you can separate out the gifts, its ideal.I dont think anyone is going to notice you walking in with an empty hand - get the girl a pretty dress (a littl showy one- that maybe the kiddo can change into later)..But make sure you tell your SIL that the gift from MIL is a joint one.