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Very tricky situation..how to deal with it

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by PeaceAlways, Jan 30, 2015.

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  1. Jan 30, 2015 #1
    PeaceAlways

    PeaceAlways Senior IL'ite

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    Me and my husband live in US(no kids yet). My in-laws stay in bangalore. My sil is having kid of 13 years. She is having problems in her marital life. She has been living with her parents for almost 10 years now. They have been contemplating divorce for some time.

    I being a divorcee myself(this is my 2nd marriage), completely understand my sil situation. I am in full support for her remarriage, whenever we talk I make sure I pump enough courage to her.

    My fil is a very nice person. But sadly he has blind love for her daughter(understandable; even my father was possessive during my divorcee days.) These days whenever we go to India, he keeps giving me instances of how the son should take care of the sister and that the sister should get full respect in the household if she had problems in her husband's place and that she has returned. By mistake, I asked them once why she is not coming to US and working here as she can be more independent( She was a green card holder at one point; now working in IT field in bangalore). Tats it, now they are planning to make her move from bangalore to our place and my husband will be the father figure for the kid!!


    They are trying to get her H1b visa sponsored, looking for jobs in the state where I stay. I am completely freaking out, I wish the happiness for her, but not at my expense. I CANT look after her kid for rest of our lives. My FIL has started saying that "looks like my last year's will be in USA". I mean, they are all planning to come and stay here with me :( I did not sign up for this.


    My husband feels very delicate about this situation and is torn between his father and me. He feels it his responsibility to look after the sister. I do not know how to convince him. If I say too much negative, he might flip out if I have to help my parents in the future.

    Now the FIL, MIL and the kid is coming to stay to with us for 2 months in July. We recently bought a house here. Seeing big house, empty rooms, good schooling area, I think their decision to move to our place will become stronger and stronger. The kid loves my husband. My husband feels really bad for the kid. He has been without a father for a long time. So we are planning to take him around in USA and making sure that he has a good time. Now I am thinking that if we do all that, the kid will obviously like our place and he too will start saying the same mantra of moving with us. I am too confused.

    1.How do I tell them subtly that I do not want any responsibilities for the SIL and the kid?
    2. I do not want to have a bad relation with them. So what should be my next move?
    3. My husband is VERY sensitive person. When my parents came to USA last year, he was looking after them like his own parents. I do not want to hurt him. Please give me some points to convince my husband against this.
     
    PeaceAlways, Jan 30, 2015
    PeaceAlways, Jan 30, 2015
    #1
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  2. Jan 30, 2015 #2
    pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Inform them its not wise to bring a teenage girl to the american culture.Show that side of US when they visit .She may not be able to make the cultural adjustment at that difficult phase of her life.Not all elders approve of the american culture.

    One of my friend had to relocate again within a year as her teenage son couldnt manage the dating pressure & color bias .The kid went into a depression as he felt like fish out of water.She even had to face an enquiry at school as they thought the parents are restraining him too much.In reality the boy was not ready to merge with that culture whereas his 5 year brother was able to fit in.
     
    pear, Jan 30, 2015
    pear, Jan 30, 2015
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  3. Jan 30, 2015 #3
    girlieyonee

    girlieyonee Senior IL'ite

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    It is a teenage boy not teenage girl.

    If your husband wants to help his sister, dont think you can do much about it. It would be better if you can also contribute to their well being, if not you dont much of a choice.

    What will be your reaction if the shoe was on the other foot and you had a sister in a similar situation?

    It would help if you think positively and help them in settling down quickly and they themselves might get the hint and want to settle down in a separate place.
     
    girlieyonee, Jan 30, 2015
    girlieyonee, Jan 30, 2015
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  4. Jan 30, 2015 #4
    hope2b

    hope2b Silver IL'ite

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    Firstly, don't freak out. Next, as your sil lived in the US before, she does know what boundaries are. Maybe they will need your support initially, which if you did whole heartedly, can be for lesser duration. You can encourage from now itself, how she can get a new life, move on, get her own house, etc etc. It won't be that bad, as you are imagining. Take one step at a time. As a family, you want her good, help her. Make sure you let her know directly that you are there to support until she is strong enough on her own. Keep it clear for your H and Pils also.
     
    hope2b, Jan 30, 2015
    hope2b, Jan 30, 2015
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  5. Jan 30, 2015 #5
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Time to pump some courage out? :)

    Don't think that you mentioned so the idea of her moving to US came up. It would have anyway come up.

    Takes time. Especially if need to find an H1 job in a particular state or city.

    Play down the expression of this feeling. Both in real life and here in threads. Or you'll be pounced upon for taking away succor from a mere child.

    Calm down. The kid is already 13. About five more years till college. The help a kid or nephew needs becomes different when they are in college and older. There is a lot of help you and your husband can provide without distressing yourself.

    Handle it tactfully. And nicely - you owe it to your husband to support him in taking care of his parents. You also genuinely want to help your SIL and in-laws, or you wouldn't have pumped courage into her like you have.

    By yourself, make a list of what you are OK with and what not. Is just living together with in-laws and SIL a no-no from your side? Once you have those identified, you can figure out how to work towards those without hurting anybody's feelings and not sacrificing yours either.

    You are putting too many horses before the cart. Until you have your own kids and get involved in school stuff, you won't know much about good schooling area. Don't talk much about that. List what are the negatives of public school.

    Decide how much of hospitality you want to dish out. Two months is a long time. Stop treating them like guests. Go about your own life after the first week. Let your husband do most of the hosting. Let him realize first hand the work it takes when living together. Let him do the entertaining and driving around, and planning the trips, bookings, and everything. You still do your bit, but do not overdo it. Do not spend all your evenings and weekend with them. Have your own life and activities in these two months. Let your husband handle a thirteen year old. Do not research what shops, places, activities and events interest a thirteen year old.

    The bond your husband his nephew have is beautiful. Let it be like that. Do not spoil that. Or you will hate yourself for that. At the same time, do not go overboard in making up for the kid being without a father for a long time. No trips around any Disney theme park will make up for an absent father. You be cool, be detached a bit, and the nice pleasant aunt.

    Start to reduce the intensity of your concern for them. Reduce the quality and quantity of phone calls. Let husband handle the interactions with them. Do not tell what you will not do. Only tell what you will do. Be verbal about the responsibilities you want to take up. Be quiet about any you want to avoid. Focus on the present, and near future. No one knows how the long term will pan out.

    So would you treat his parents if there were no possibility of them settling down with you.

    List your biggest no-no. I suggest sharing a house with in-laws or SIL be that no-no. State that briefly, and with minimal reasons. No discussion around it. The rest of the things, leave it to husband to implement. Researching green card, medical coverage, activities for Indian parents.. leave it to him.

    You cannot directly tell him you are against the idea. You can be a little less interested in it, and simply not participate in related talk and activities.

    I get what is scaring you. You genuinely want to help your SIL, her kid, and also in-laws. But, you are not keen about them moving in with you, and you and DH becoming responsible for all three generations of the clan. Unfortunately, many may not get it. So watch what you talk, how you talk, and how much you talk.

    It is fine to want to help but at the same time have some things you are not willing to compromise on. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for having some boundaries when it comes to helping or taking care of them.
     
    Rihana, Jan 30, 2015
    Rihana, Jan 30, 2015
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  6. Jan 30, 2015 #6
    vanithaudt

    vanithaudt Silver IL'ite

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    Please help your sister in law and the kid. Don't be afraid of responsibility. But don't let others to rule you. If you are not happy with them staying with you , inform them and ask them to stay separately and noting stops you to help them. You never know , where life will take us to. Being in USA your SIL can live independently without fear
     
    vanithaudt, Jan 30, 2015
    vanithaudt, Jan 30, 2015
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  7. Jan 31, 2015 #7
    prema2015

    prema2015 New IL'ite

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    Hi
    first of all why are you freaking out. Million things can change in life. She might meet someone and have her own family. She might get a job and move to her own apartment, she might not get job in your city and might get in another city. She might not get H1 since its lottery system now.

    If everything go her way, you can ask your husband to put her in an apartment near your house so you have your privacy.
     
    prema2015, Jan 31, 2015
    prema2015, Jan 31, 2015
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  8. Jan 31, 2015 #8
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Nip this particular fear in the bud.

    Build, and always retain, the ability and authority to help your parents without taking help or permission from anyone.
     
    Rihana, Jan 31, 2015
    Rihana, Jan 31, 2015
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  9. Jan 31, 2015 #9
    CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    Why would your SIL move in with you? If she is able to get a visa/job in the US she is totally able to get an apartment/house. Good if the kid has an uncle as a "father figure" but that does not mean that you would live together.
     
    CrayoNess, Jan 31, 2015
    CrayoNess, Jan 31, 2015
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  10. Jan 31, 2015 #10
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Looks like CrayoNess is ready for her next dubki (dip/dive) into Indian Culture Immersion program. :)
     
    Rihana, Jan 31, 2015
    Rihana, Jan 31, 2015
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