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controlling father in law

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by riya3086, Jan 30, 2015.

  1. riya3086

    riya3086 New IL'ite

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    Ladies, need your help!
    My fil is coming to visit us for couple of months and I m already stressed about it. He has been very controlling when we used to live with him back in india, and wanted everything his way, and neither did he appreciate any change in the household (which came with the new dil) nor he helped in any way in blending me in his family. according to him, women should be able to do all household chores and manage kids by themselves and not bother the men of the house, men come home only to eat/sleep/watch TV! This is what he has been doing when we were in india. Luckily we had maid and both me and my DH were working so I did not have to worry a lot about his behavior at home.
    Now I m in US, a mom and stay at home. I have made a routine for my household - ie. Cooking everything once a day and using the same vegetables through dinner , as I have a baby too. Hiring a help will not work for us - it is very expensive and I would also not want to hear the associated taunts that come with me, a stay at home woman asking for help (?).
    I know he will make demands at irregular times for proper meals and give me tough time when I m not able to provide the same freshly made at that moment. Also he is big at lecturing us how to raise baby etc. Now when i was in India, he never even came to visit when his grandchild at my moms place, didn't care to even call and wish me! Somehow i have managed to learn to manage my household resp along with childcare in this new (to me) country. I m really tense that soon he will here he will be judging and criticizing all my choices 24 hrs. I am really stressed! Please help me what to do to make his stay easy for me. Any tips on how to not let him mess my mind and sanity?
     
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  2. dreamyviji

    dreamyviji Senior IL'ite

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    How about cancel his ticket?!

    Dont fret. You dont have to impress him. Period.
    Do what you have always been doing. Dont change anything for his sake.
    Have your husband talk to him about your diffculties with a small baby and household chores. Assign him some chores.
    Keep firm on what you can do and let him know you will ONLY do that.
    By the end of the trip, show him you are a controlling DIL and what to expect when he comes around next time.
    Good Luck! :)
     
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  3. jskls

    jskls IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Riya

    I am a new member and am just sharing my experience. How about you go to India when he is here? just kidding...

    In my 17 years of married life with a controlling FIL there's hardly anything I do would satisfy him. What can you say to a person who says "Your cooking tastes like mud"? So I have given up on trying to prove myself. Best way to deal is do what you can and do not go overboard in trying to please him. On the days you can't cook get a take-out. be firm and ignore the comments/lectures and if possible do not give room for those kind of discussions. Walk away from that room.

    Good luck
    take care

    Some people can't and won't change.
     
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  4. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    He is going to be a guest in your home this time. Treat him like you would any other guest. He says - Women do all housework in our house, You say - Men and women both work in this house. He says - I am not getting proper meals, You say - You can make any meal you want, I have to take care of my baby. He gives advice about baby, say Thanks FIL, I have got it down. Don't give him the chance to control you.

    You don't have to 'provide' meals. He should be willing to behave as a reasonable guest, and adjust to some extent. Just make sure you do those things for him that do not require too much exertion on your part.

    Take him out sight-seeing sometimes, get food from outside those days, and make sure its something/some place he loves. Tell him you are doing it specially for him. Try getting him some Indian sweets after meal every day, make him feel special with little gestures. Make these little suggestions to DH in front of FIL - Lets take FIL to xxx place, its so beautiful this season, lets get him xxx sweet that he loves so much, etc.
     
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  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    1. Do things the way you always do. => just cook extra portions when you do without changing the format. If he won't eat food from the morning, tough. Give him a carrot.

    2. Anything disrespectful, calmly state, "that's disrespectful, dad" and move away. Ignore him the way you would ignore a naughty child. Good behaviour gets attention. Bad behaviour - you call on it once and then ignore.

    3. Advice about baby, think about it; if it is valid, follow it otherwise just say, "I'll handle it my way"

    4. If you need help; hire it. That you are a stay-at-home mum doesn't mean you work yourself to the bone. I'm sure you do enough. Call for help and use the extra time to play with your child.

    5. Ensure you have snacks, salad, tinned souls etc. that FIL can help himself to at odd hours. show him where it's kept and when he asks for something, in case you are unable to get it, politely say, "please feel free to take it from the third shelf in the pantry, dad"

    6. Take your child and just go for walks, toddler groups/ classes, library, indoor play area etc. that will give you time away from any drama. During these outings remember the focus is your child; don't be stewing over what happened at home.

    7. Make sure your husband helps picking up after his dad. When my ILs visited the first time, my husband would do their laundry and clean their bathrooms - he wouldn't let me pick up after them though he went to work and I stayed home. Don't complain to him about his dad; instead, sweetly state you need help with the household stuff. Instead of splitting chores midway, give him specific tasks as and when they crop up.
     
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