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One change that would make relationship with pils better.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by yellowmango, Jan 8, 2015.

  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Some of us have excellent relationships with our pils,while some have really bad relationship with pils......most of us probably fall in the average category where somethings about them irritate us enough to spoil it for us.
    What is that one change they could make ,that would make your relationship considerably better ?
    Feel free to add what you could change about your self to make relationship better.

    For me....
    Mil-----If she would stop saying things or questioning my love and dedication to my husband and daughters....it would change things for the better.This is something that makes me cringe and just close up. It's been twenty years and nothing has changed. I have not been able to get to her that this really bugs me.Our relationship is not the kind where we can sit and calmly work things out.Besides I always fear that if I start it,it will open a can of worms and she will also have many things to say and then things will go downhill. We have reached a stable relationship except for this.

    I have tried asking hubby for help but his response it just"why do you bother?...just walk away"....I don't want him to have a conversation with his mom on this because again ...the can of worms will open. Things are going fine.....

    FIL....His obsession to discuss only negative things around at all times.I take the morning tea with newspaper and wish him good morning.He looks at the head line and starts off on corruption,terrorism ,crime....early in the morning. Same during lunch...dinner. It just gets so irritating and depressing.If any one tries to change the topic...he will find something negative about the topic. Other wise he is fine most of the times (although he is very moody but I am okay with that).

    We spend about 3-4 months together and if not for these points...our stay together would be much better....at least for me.

    I should also become less moody and learn to not hold grudges.
     
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  2. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    Being able to communicate and be my self....


    We have really a good relationship i love them? no! Do they love me? yes now.
    Do i pretend love? Yes and that is why our relationship seems good to all and to them...in my heart i just hate them and what i just said above it would make me change my hatred to love



    - they do not listen that we can live our ways , we have to do things their way only
    - clothes also i cannot be my self.
    - I can not tell anything which opposes their ideas...
    I just would be able to tell what i want and they understand though they differ and let me (and now my son) what we want...
     
  3. dsmenon

    dsmenon Gold IL'ite

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    I always thought i had a wonderful relation with my in-laws. I loved them like my own and i thought they too liked me. But last couple of months has been a real eye opener. As most of you knw, i am pregnant and it has been a bumpy ride till date but my in-laws have not stepped to help me though they live close to us (40 miles). MY co-sis has not called me even once after knowing that i am pregnant. In fact, she has not even congratulated us, yet.

    I don't know what went wrong or i don't even know if there is anything wrong. From my side i have decided to expect nothing. This way I am happy and hopefully they are happy too.
     
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  4. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Oh! The drama. So many simple things are turned into dramas with long faces. If only that would change...

    that and the whole gender stereotyping...
     
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  5. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    MIL:I could write a book, but I will just do the top 5 :)
    1) Her caste-ism and religion-ism. She wont accept any other caste..Considers them 'untouchables'. Will not even give cash in hand to auto drivers.Will just drop the cash into their hand..And is actually proud of it. Brags about it all the time.
    2) Her 'so-called' eating only fresh food. Have seen her throw a whole bowl of rice that was made in the night just because she wont eat food from yesterday. But has no problems eating snacks and cakes and biscuits and bread that are made and packaged months before.
    3)Her 'unadjusting' nature when she goes somewhere. If she goes somewhere,she doesnt adjust with the people in the house visiting. Instead, she will just insist on cooking on her own food.Wont cooperate or touch anything there..will just sit in the front room couch.And eat only the snacks (chips,murukk,cookies etc)!!its very insulting.
    4)Constant criticisms of other people. Everyone around is not good at what they do. She is the best.Will criticize everyone for everything.
    5)Her partiality towards her own siblings. They can do no wrong. if they scream at her, its because they love her and they need to be forgiven.But if FIL's sister does the same, she should never be forgiven.
    FIL
    ---
    1) his passiveness to all the tantrums that MIL throws. I sometimes feel all her caste-ism and other bull gradually increased over the years because he remained silent.
    2)his adamant nature to not change. He will not agree to anything that is not his way. 'Lets take a taxi'. ' NO. we will go by bus'. Even if we have a 3 month old kid and an ailing old person in the group, he will not budge.
     
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  6. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    I think these things will help -
    1. Recognizing DILs are individuals too.
    2. Not thrusting false expectations on them.
    3. Not commenting on every thing that the DIL does/ does not do.
     
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  7. sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

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    Oh that will open a plethora of things..But I'll try to limit myself..

    MIL-
    1.Her insecurity.She thinks if she doesn't speak to son 4 times a day,he'll forget her
    2.Her biased attitude-Everything starts from her DD and ends with her.If she can see things beyond her
    3.Her omnipresence and omnipotence-She has to be present everywhere-all the tim,movies,bedroom,shopping,etc etc
    "I can do it all" and with perfection..No one cooks like me..I am the best..I am the best..
    4.If she could just loosen some control-She constantly tries to control people,things,situations..And when some strong personality like me doesn't let her,she becomes cunning and resorts to unfair means..
    5.I have to know it all-Tell me what are your investments,what did you eat,where are you going..Argghhhhh-its damn irritating
    6.Basically her dominating nature-when she tries to dominate others
    7.Her double facedness-sweet on face and otherwise inside..Different expectations from DILs and totally different for her DD..She can help her siblings but DILs should not even think of helping..
    8.Her show of magnanimity- She loves to boast of it but is so small hearted..
    I can go on and on..Basically,even if she doesn't change all these habits/nature-I am ok but atleast be upbeat and upfront about what she really is and thinks-there is a lot of show..
    She should let us be-we are all happy people if and till she and her daughter don't keep poking all the time..

    SIL-
    Uff..I think it will take a lot of generations to change her.Still I would just like to make her-
    Less selfish,less cunning,less demanding,less irritating,less sweet on the face,less shopaholic,less jealous,less competitive, less involvement in our lives
    More responsible,more mature,more independent,start earning,more involving to her in laws side..
    Basically more invisible to us..She should disappear..

    BIL-
    He is very sweet and caring..But he should stop being such an ideal son because it actually is disturbing all of us.He should call spade a spade-stop pampering and over protecting even the wrong deeds of his over grown mom and sis..

    Co-sis-
    She is ok..Sweet and jovial..But I would like her to take stand more and be more vocal on the face rather than on back

    DH-
    I wanted him to be more vocal and understanding..He is improving a lot..

    Myself-
    I would like to say-Nothing..I am perfectgigglingsmiley
    But I guess I should think less,enjoy more and should try reduce my expectation of perfection from myself and from everyone around
     
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  8. sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

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    Oh..Was it only one change?
    Then that would be-Either change my MIL and SIL or change me:wink:
     
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  9. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    If my MIL can understand that I am younger than both of them(MIL and DH) and expect me NOT to know-it-all and do-it-all...it would drastically help my relationship with her.

    Am waiting for a day where she would realize that even I was pampered and grew with lots of aspirations and I had studied the same thing as my DH(and the course work didn't include cooking and house maintenance classes) and hence I can't master the house keeping stuff in a jiffy.
     
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  10. shobhamumbaikar

    shobhamumbaikar Gold IL'ite

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    Mil: If she would realize that she is not God, she has wronged her son and dil and even their child in several way and if her son is pointing them out it is not a blasphemy to do so. It is not because he is bad it is because they are facts and she knows that very well.

    If she would stop thinking that the whole world should worship her dd and should eat, dress, talk and live their lives just as she (dd) thinks right and her dil is conspiring to declare her dd an outsider if she happens to make bundi raita at home and the said dd does not like bundi raita (when the dd is thousands of miles away from the said home).

    Fil: if he could stop being a spineless flatterer to his wife every time she wrongs her own son-dil and would have the ability to tell the right from wrong so apparent for all to see.

    Me:
    if I could just be a more patient and mature one and stop taking things to heart and nagging about them to my dh.

    Dh: if he would know the way to diplomatically handle the issues rather than go and directly confront them giving them ready-made excuses to use to blow the thing out of proportion and turn the table on him and shower us with overwhelming blame.
     

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