Help Please.. Need to take decision !

married · Dec 24, 2014

Hello girls..I have been reading this forum from quite a long time & decided to post my problem here for some suggestions & support. Sorry for a long post.

I have been married for almost 1 year & it was an arranged marriage. Currently I am staying with my husband FIL, MIL & younger SIL. This marriage was fixed by my faher & I assumed he has checked all the regular details (The general enquiry which is done before arranged marriage). Only after 2 days after wedding my MIL started showing her true colors. She told me that they are facing lot of financial problems currently & told me about how she does not get along with her own MIL & SIL (Her MIL stays alone at native place with a caretaker for which all the expenses are paid by my FIL’s Sister). Before marriage I was told that my FIL lost his job & then my MIL had taken care of all the family by doing job. Slowly I learned that the job she was referring to was nothing else but that of a Maid. (I do not have any problems with any kind of jobs as long as its done with respect but it was quite shocking to me as I had completely different picture portrayed in front of me ). I also came to know about the Loan which was taken up by my husband & family habit of taking loans very often. The property they showed as their's was in the name of FIL's sister.

I was very naïve & accepted it as my fortune & offered all the support to the family. I joined back to work immediately. My husband earns about 35K & gives all his salary to his mom who runs the house. She made it very clear that the family has no savings & are all the salary earned by husband is spent completely. I still accepted it & decided that I will put my salary in savings for our future which was also agreed by my husband. When my first pay check (after marriage)came, my MIL made a huge drama about how I am not informing them about my finances & only speaking to my husband !! She also cried & banged her head saying she is so helpless coz her husband never earned & her DIL is not giving her a respect..
I am earning about 20K & she straightaway asked me to give about 10K to her for every month. My husband also told me to do so & I agreed.

Now the story does not end here, one day she asked me how much of savings I am doing coz she wanted some more money for a festival & when I told her that it is in the fixed policy she made even bigger drama.

My SIL is suffering form Seizures & she is a college drop out. My MIL treats everyone like a child & has never allowed my H or his Sis to take any decisions on their own.My FIL leaves in the shell ( He is treated worst than a dog by SIL & MIL). Both MIL & SIL have anger issues & they get a fit of range whenever something does not go as per their own wishes. MIL is also very manipulative & is full of cheap talks. My husband is typical mommas boy who has never seen a outside world. Have no guts & always been reminded of how his mom has raised him with so many difficulties.

I have always been a positive girl who truly believes that happiness & peacefulness are the most important things in the life & I cant find both in their house. My MIL does not allow me to cook or do any work on my own (I can do work only when she orders ) eg. If I start washing vessels in the morning then she will tell me stop as she has some other work scheduled in the kitchen at that time but will shout at me & will ask me to wash vessels some other day, around the same time.

She have always accused me of various things : That I have separated her son from her, I tell her son complaints about them & demand for a separate house, I lie to her, I don’t share anything with her about my family, whenever I am late from office she questions me about my whereabouts & I have seen my FIL following me in the morning time as well as hiding behind a bus stop to follow me coming back home in the evening time.

I am never informed anything happening in their life (Not that i am interested) & am always clueless about everything happening around house. I am really tired of all the accusations,lies & me living like a paying guest in their house. All my stuff is always checked in my absence,my cell phone is checked daily by my MIL. I do not talk much to my husband as well coz whenever i have told him something innocently he has told it to his mom & she has twisted it & used against me. She is always complaining about me to her son & gets angry because he does not do anything. She believes that whole world is against her & it revolves around herself & her daughter. Even if someone laughs at half KM radius she will be sure that they are laughing on herself /her daughter/son.

I am feeling very hopeless & have tried my best & given 100% but i cant do it anymore.I have thought about committing suicide but i am not a coward. My husband will never stay away from his parents. I really think that i should get separated from him. There is no happiness,no peace, no security. my future is at stake in this relationship. Nobody talks with me in the house. MIL 7 FIL make faces everyday when i wakeup & when i come back from work, all this while i have never replied back to her & always kept my calm. I am very calm & quite person who does not like quarrels & they are taking advantage of it.

My Parents are non supportive. My father is more concerned about his reputation in the society & will never agree to support me in case of separation. Mom may support silently. I have had enough though, please girls help me.. I really can not stay in that house anymore, i need respect & trust from my In laws & its impossible. No relative from either of their side (MIL or FIL) have ever visited the house.

I am thinking about shifting to ladies hostel, but really need your help & support. please help me if i am making a right decision. I have tried to write this thing withaout much of emotional drama. please pour in your suggestions.

Ragini25 · Dec 24, 2014

Before I give the quick version of kanthtx advice of "divorce him".....as a first step - Establish some boundaries at home, with inlaws. And second step, stay at a hostel for a few months, so the boundaries get into the thick skulls of the inlaws. Then re-evaluate your future.

nb25 · Dec 25, 2014

OP,

Why does your FIL not work? How old is he? Is he physically active? Do they have any pension funds?

Tell your husband in front of MIL and FIL that some weird guy has been following me around. I feel really scared about my safety. I will get a private investigator to look into it. This should stop FIL from following you again.

Do you know how they are spending the money? Are they spending all of the money that you and your husband are giving them?

Don't give your salary to MIL this month. Delay it. When she asks for it, then say "MIL, I give money every month for running our household, and no problems with that, but I want to know how much we are spending on stuff, and together both of us can find a way to use it more efficiently." Stress the word together. She should not feel you are taking unilateral decision to cut the budget. Every one will oppose it, but stay strong. If you think your husband will support you in saving money, then get his support. Be very diplomatic. Get involved in the decision-making for buying household items and expenses. Go out to buy groceries yourself. Know where how much money is being spent. This will meet with opposition from MIL and FIL, and probably your husband too. Be strong. You are earning and have a right to know where your money is going. Cut out things that are not necessary.

You don't have to give her your salary. Its yours, and no one can force you. You can help by buying things for the household instead. Try this approach. Find out what is to be bought, and buy it yourself.

Your MIL must be ashamed of telling people she worked as a maid. I see nothing wrong in hiding this fact from you and your relatives before marriage. However, hiding their financial condition was wrong. Maybe your situation is not completely hopeless. Can you and your husband get her some work, possibly after some training, that she can do without feeling ashamed?

They may be going through financial hardship. Still, it is wrong of them to ask for half of your salary. Investing on some training for MIL/FIL/SIL would be a better use of money than giving them monthly expenditure. Can you talk to your husband about this? Try to help them be self-sufficient.

Try reducing the amount you are giving them every month. Offices have lots of parties at times. Say that you are required to contribute a monthly amount to project parties, co-workers' birthdays, celebrating festivals in office, etc. Reduce that amount the next time you pay them. Remain firm that half of your salary that you are saving now is for husband and you only and is not to be touched.

While discussing moving out, also discuss how you will take care of his parents once you have moved out. Be clear that you are just talking of moving out, and not cutting off all ties with them. If they have no source of pension, then convince your husband that both of you should keep aside some money every month for their old age, and your own. Agree on the amount both of you will contribute each month to both of these funds. Make it clear that moving out does not mean you stop supporting his parents.

As a last resort, find a ladies' hostel near your office. Meet the girls you would be staying with there. Make sure the place suits you. Rent a room. Then tell your husband and ILs that you may have to move out for a couple of days, as there will be a lot of work, and you need to stay close to office. Make it sound like a temporary arrangement. Stay there as long as you please. See if your husband misses you, and is willing to move out, or try a fairer arrangement than at present.

lukywife · Dec 25, 2014

See.First I must appreciate you for your endurance. If you really feel divorce is the only option, take that decision without asking for advises/ approvals. Only you know what you are going through. You can do what you feel is right for YOU! It's your life.There's no holier than thou. whatever makes you feel peaceful is good! Take a wise decision. Don't think that people who are connected by blood/bound by marriage are the only family you have. You can expand your family by helping the needy in society/ adopting kids, giving her/him life/ helping transgenders. Women can capable of doing so many things but this society has narrowed out thinking to our family and children. Better to do something for the needy society than to accept these Sh*t.

Find your freedom. Live your life.

tashidelek2002 · Dec 25, 2014

If you don't want live your life with these people, then leave. Tell your father to adjust.

married · Dec 25, 2014

Thank u everyone for ur suggestions & support. I would like to say here that I really don't have a problem with supporting Inlaws financialy. I had accepted it as my duty as soon as I realised about the financial conditions of the house. My FIL & MIL will not work anymore, which is made very clear to them my husband as soon as he started working (at d age of 21). They have no pension, no savings as well. My MIL never leaves her daughter alone, not even for going to market so she working outside is also out of question. I tried suggesting her about working from home but again my MIL has strict rules as her dd will not seat in front of computer for more than 1 hour. (She has seizure problems and as per doctors advice
she can't...but she can watch tv all day n can seat with her phone 24*7)...
Anyways the real problem is the lack of freedom, security, trust & dignity.
It's really bad feeling when u have to go back to a place & call it as a home where everyone clearly dislikes u & its written all over their faces. I think I have tried my best to adjust, to keep mum when people were accusing me of things I didn't do....
I feel now that there is no relationship to save. Me n my husband have never have been alone after our honeymoon which was almost 11 months back. No dinner, no movie, no date. He has never stayed at my parents place since marriage. He has only visited them hardly thrice in the whole year. 2 months back we had a big fight & went to my parents place after office.. but instead of calling to check on me he kept his phone switched off. He was not aware about my whereabouts till d next day but did not bother that I was not home.
I kept no expectations from this person or his family.. never demanded anything.. but I think this marriage is coming to an end with some lessons for me as well.. my patience level has increased to d greatest extent.. I have cried so much in this last year which is enough for a lifetime..again thank u all for reading my story .

yellowmango · Dec 25, 2014

DEar Op...it looks like you were married into the family as another income source.Since you do not have problem with this...use it to your advantage.

Tell your mil and sil that you will not give a single rupee till you are given the respect you deserve.Let your husband know this beforehand.Have a list of things you want changed and discuss with them.Tell them you will not pay for being treated like a paying guest.If that is the case...you would rather go and live as a paying guest somewhere.

Even then I suggest you save half your salary in your name.Invest in long term FDs.

Also discuss this with your parents.Ask your father why he did not check about the family beforehand ...how could he marry you into a family with so many financial issues without letting you know about them?Let him know he is responsible if things go bad. Your father cannot escape his responsibility towards this marriage if he has chosen the family. Parents can't have it all.They want to have the sole right to select the spouse for their children...but no accountability.

yellowmango · Dec 25, 2014

I feel now that there is no relationship to save. Me n my husband have never have been alone after our honeymoon which was almost 11 months back. No dinner, no movie, no date. He has never stayed at my parents place since marriage. He has only visited them hardly thrice in the whole year. 2 months back we had a big fight & went to my parents place after office.. but instead of calling to check on me he kept his phone switched off. He was not aware about my whereabouts till d next day but did not bother that I was not home.
I kept no expectations from this person or his family.. never demanded anything.. but I think this marriage is coming to an end with some lessons for me as well.. my patience level has increased to d greatest extent.. I have cried so much in this last year which is enough for a lifetime..again thank u all for reading my story .
Click to expand...

Have you discussed this with your husband seriously.Try fixing a date with him outside of home.Tell him you need to talk to him about your relationship .Tell him about how you feel .

Ask him to go for marriage counseling with you. Sometimes ,people listen to a third party.Don't involve his family in this...just the two of you.

Also have a serious talk with your parents regarding this marriage and how they should have checked better.

Please don't plan a child till the mess is sorted out and you know your place in the house.No matter what people tell you...a baby doesn't solve problems or change basic nature of people.

MalStrom · Dec 25, 2014

Think about the long term. How will you manage to support the extended family and eventually your own family if even your husband is not ready to stand up for you?
You are young and have your whole life ahead. Where do you see yourself in the next 5, 10, 15 years? Do you want to endlessly work for ungrateful people?
If your parents are not ready to accept responsibility, too bad but your are working, which is a big plus. Also, is there a realistic chance that anything will change in your marital home?
List all these things out, pros and cons, on a piece of paper, clinical as it sounds. It may help inform a better decision. Wish you all the best.

married · Dec 25, 2014

Thanks everyone.. I have given lot of thoughts about this. considered all the points you shared. If my husband really loves & values me then he will do the right thing. I am not going to put him in any uncomfortable situation neither demand anything. I will put all my points in front of him & let him decide what he wants from life. If he agrees to stay separate then i will happily help his family (at least financially, emotionally i am completely disconnected from them). I have given 100% to this relationship but if it does not work then may be god has better plans for me. i am much stress free now. I have discussed the same with my mom & close friend who have offered the support to me. Once again thank u everyone ! will keep u updated..