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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by confused4sure, Dec 24, 2014.

  1. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you to everyone! I feel so validated in my opinion. I dont want to discuss anything about my feelings to my parents or siblings, because I know they will worry too much about how I am managing.

    So I think you all are my safe place to share how I feel and ask for suggestions.

    There have always been small things about my husband and him mom's relation that has bothered me. During their first visit to USA, she was siting in the back seat, and I reminded her to wear her seat belt, saying, it is the rule - or the cops will pull us over. She cried and made a deal to my husband saying, am I a criminal, why is your wife talking like that? what did your parents teach her. I was so shocked - I could not say a thing. My husband yelled at me in the car, to pacify his mom, and asked her to sit in the front, and sent FIL to the back seat. From then on, every-time she is here, front seat is hers. in the last 2 years they have been here for 12 months and this is their 3rd visit!! so I am losing my patience, along with the fact that I am pregnant now, and still my husband wants to pamper her in everyway!!

    Once we were in a mall, and my son was 1 year old, and had pooped his diaper. I told my husband, can you come with me to the restroom, and to help with changing the diaper. he is a super active boy! my MIL says, "what does he know. you be here" and turns to FIL and says... "why dont you go to help" and my husband just stood there and dint say a word.

    Once, when in India, while returning home from temple, my husband, completely forgot that his wife wearing saree was carrying his 12 month old son and a heavy diaper bag. their house is on the 4th floor with no elevator. he accompanied his mom and was gone! when I reached the house panting for breath, with the baby.. I let him know I was upset. and he says, she is old and emotional, and hence he had to accompany her! When I mentioned this incident to a friend, she said, you should have take a taxi and gone to the airport. In hindsight, I think she was right.

    Even in US, she wants to sit next to him in restaurants. sit next to him, practically glued to him on the couch. massages his head everyday. calls him nanu... really? 35 year old man?... she has two other boys... and behaves same way with them too. they are both not married! I pity their wives... when they do.

    The other issue is that both my BIL, inspite of being 38 and 33 are not settled. We sponsored for MBA for the older BIL 2 years ago in Europe, and he still hasnt found a job. My younger BIL is going to school now in US and we got a loan for his education as well. My MIL acts like it is my husbands duty to take care of her brothers, and slowly feeds the idea into his brain everyday... about duties and family and brother's bond.

    Me and my husband are both self made, came to US for masters, worked our way through school, had scholarships and have very good careers. So, I find their behavior very irresponsible. And on top of this, when she acts like everything in the house is earned by her Son - it drives me nuts. coz we both actually work hard to have this life!!

    Seeing all this I am weary of letting my son too close to her. I know she loves him and takes care of him well, but, in my reasoning, I have already lost my husband to her. I dont want my son put her first as well! (I know I am jealous) And seeing these things has made me also resolve to NEVER make my son a mama's boy. I would hate to have another girl always think that they are second in their husbands life!

    And recently, they are expressing desire to move to US permanently. after we becomes citizens. when I heard that I was shocked.

    As patient as I am, I don't think I want to live life permanently like this. And I told my husband, I will never make you choose me over your mom. I don't think it is fair to make a person choose by force. So, at that point, I see our relationship just crashing and going different ways. It is sad, but I believe it is true. or maybe it is the pregnancy hormones. I guess time will tell.

    Thank you for listening to my long rants.
     
  2. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    o dear, there there! I feel you.

    I cannot help you much for them moving to US
    as I am in the same boat. and have no idea how to escape it.
    As far as your

    hubby is concerned going to airport is childish... you need to somehow make him work.


    like when ur FIl come to help, stop working on that and say, hard to get done with just two of us, and ask for help help from hubby.


    For example in the diaper thing....say 'daddy he needs you, can;'t manage without you , he is daddy's boy' and show you are fumbling to handle him


    in example of him not carrying baby or diaper bag...just do not wlk, stop there and act of panting...and say "honey, cannnot carry on any more" if does not come to help, take your own sweet time, to reach to the car.
    We woman keep dong and hence we r shown 'capable' hence they do not see how much we r pushign ourselves....so stop where you cannot do effortlessly and have to put extra work.


    Also, when inlaws r around, do not make ur self easily available to ur DH emotionally or physically, look really nice and show u r busy due to them being here. and additinal works make you tired. Do not complain but as if you care a lot for them, but still end of the day u r human and get tired. Play hard to get....
     
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  3. katsb

    katsb Silver IL'ite

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    Your MIL has only treated his son like an ATM/Retirement fund. I see this in my house also. How my MIL has made my younger BIL look poor in front of my hubby, trying to gain all his sympathy so that he never stops funding them.

    Really, I am baffled by the way women think. These old women who have seen life, who are going to die in a few years, these so called god fearing women, who claim they have sacrificed their lives for their son, these women play so much politics, so much games, it is tiring indeed.

    Let the tribe of honest, educated, clean, good, and just DILs increase in this world where men are not bred to be raised as bank accounts for their entire lives.

    I don't understand what is the solution to this evil emotional conditioning done by the parents for a life-time in the name of love, sacrifice, family, brotherhood etc , how can any wife undo this in her own lifetime and protect herself and her children?
     
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  4. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    I am not sure if the playing hard to get works with my husband. I see that all three kids of my MIL, care the most about her. even if her face is slightly upset, they will move heaven and earth to fix things and make her happy and cheerful. She knows this as well. Even after I have told my husband many times, that "I am pregnant and need to spend time with you, he does not get it" the time I get is always after his mommy time is done, and she goes to bed, then his sports time is done, then his work is done... then he will come into the bedroom to check if I am doing ok!!

    By then, I am so frustrated, that I just want to scream at him. or I act like I am asleep.

    He works late into the night and wakes up late in the mornings. so I am usually off to work, even before he wakes up. On weekends, my MIL would be sitting, right outside the bedroom. the min there is a small sound in our room, she will bolt into the door with tea for her son, and sit next to him on the bed. Then, she will get her usual news updates from him.

    When we go out, same thing. She will sit next to him in car, talk and talk.. same old stories. I sacrificed so much for you boys. Your dad's family was so bad, your dad never cared about us, I lived for the 3 of you..... and how great a mother I am.
    I feel like I could vanish from that car.

    The only reason, I go home after work or go out with them, is because of my son. I don't want to miss out on time spent with him, due to all this crazy drama.

    I don't think she will ever understand how she is stepping into our life. Because, in her mind, this is her son, and hence it is her life. and in my husbands mind, it is his mom and he cant hurt her. His usual reply to me is, "she is old, unstable and I need to keep her happy. you are educated, cant you adjust?"

    I always wonder, what does education have to do with how you feel? more importantly, I feel that I will always be second in his life... in everything, when she is around. Why should any girl deserve less?

    What happens when they move to US permanently? what happens when they are sick and want to live with us permanently? I don't mind living with elders, but in such living situations, where she is practically glued to my husband, what is the use of me living in this family. My husband no longer serves the role of my better half. I feel like they are the couple and me and FIL are just spectators....

    The thing that bothers me is that, this is the third time they are here. First two times was same crap. But I was more tolerant. This time, I was expecting my husband to be slightly different, since I am 8 months pregnant. I thought he would care if I was unhappy. He does care.... but just he cares more about her!!





     
  5. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    First of all, congrats on your pregnancy. You must be so happy.

    I have seen having a baby itself makes husbands more attentive to their wives.

    You seem to be trying too hard to get his attention. He can afford to neglect you because he knows you are waiting for him to come to you. Step back a little, and he will come to you.

    Take care of yourself. Have fun with friends. Do the things you love. Never get upset or complain to husband that he is neglecting you, or favouring his mother over you. Talk cheerfully with him, no matter how late he comes to your room, or how little time he spends with you. Act like you don't notice his absence, and are happy by yourself.

    He will be more attentive to you.
     
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  6. Twinkel

    Twinkel Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, stop yearning for your hubby's time and attention. The more you long for it, the more he will make you long for it. Stop complaining or saying directly to ur dh, since doing so in the past didn't help you much. Create your own world. May be with your books, or paintings or whatever you are in interested in. Hang out with your friends and always keep yourself unavailable to your hubby. Go out with your kid. Make him realise that in the process of over acting to pamper his emotional mom, he is loosing his wife and son. Make him realise you are getting detached for your own good.
    As long he invests on his 30+ year old brothers, why would they even think of settling down? Tell him you are not ready for this drama anymore and make him invest his earnings on some fixed property, saying household expenses can go from your account. I don't think they are your pregnancy hormones, any woman would feel let down in such circumstances.
     
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  7. jigisha321

    jigisha321 Gold IL'ite

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    I was reading your post and thinking that you are lucky atleast because they donot stay with you 24/7..but Bang !! i come to the last para and my hopes crashed..

    Considering the fact that it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to change or drive sense in a already-pampered and spoiled MIL, my patience runs thin while reading about mama's boys..

    I donot understand how an educated matured man can behave like a puppet in front of his mom, and lose all sense of right and wrong...and in the process ruining life of his poor wife..

    Untill and unless your husband learns to speak for you,OP, you have to put up a firmer approach..atleast if they bring up or foul-mouth your upbringing..calmly and firmly say that you are ready to adjust but not ready to be a doormat and punching bag...

    If you present a no nonsense approach once they come to stay 24/7, I think they will think twice before insulting you..also,be careful never to start a fight..this is specially because mama's boys first search for wife's fault and will never listen to you, if you are the one to start a fight...but if your MIL starts any fights, take the full liberty to silence her then and there..

    Maybe I am sounding harsh, but that is the way I have tackled and reigned the constant flow of verbal missiles from my MIL...she is a much controlled version of her former self now...
     
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  8. pinkRoseBud

    pinkRoseBud Gold IL'ite

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    If u can beat 'me join 'em.

    If my MIL does like this, I would say mil is like my mother n I want her always. Stick to her 24/7 praise her praise her n praise her. If he complains to dh, cry n remove all ur frustration saying she is like your mother n scold dh that she dint mean to complain she actually like to be with you.

    yeah I know it's kinda negative approach, but I feel it's ok to do every now n then instead of keeping ur pain in ur heart n having pent up emotions against your dh.

    its hard for us when growing up we r pampered and we know what we deserve. And when we don't get what we deserve it's natural to say or express it as it is. But some people (read mil) use many other techniques. So op by getting angry on ur DH Who is getting punished neither ur dh nor ur mil. I completely understand that it should have been obvious for ur dh to pamper u now. If that's is not happening use other techniques.

    1. Make her sit behind with u
    2. Do not do any extra work for her. Keep saying she doesn't let u work.
    3. How come she is free when ur dh is about to get up? Doesn't she have to make soup for u? Try once she makes the best soup in the world.

    I am am angry and thinking of more points. And yeah make ur dh feel that u r being imotionally independent. Talk sweetly n do not let anything happen as per ur mil's wish.
    suppose she wants to go shopping in the evening, act as if it's too cold outside and u can't let someone like ur mom to suffer in cold. U get a chance to scold who ever supporting her shopping.
    Op, too much of thinking about these things isn't worth. Enjoy doing this. Take care
     
  9. bron

    bron Silver IL'ite

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    Dont spend even a penny for his brothers settling..make all ur income as savings and invest for future..in tat case he has to manage all his income for household things and will not have more fr his broyhers..and threaten him that u will get out of this relationship along wid ur kids if he s going to continue pampering his mother and put u next to his mother..tell him u ll never respect or support him and do anything for him in future when he needs u really near him after his mother's period is over .. ask him to decide whose realtionship is going to come forever esp when he is old ..say him he will never earn ur respect if he s not going to put u as priority..if i were in ur position i wud have gained my parents support and show him that i am not alone ..totally make him realise that u r his future n present wont help in future...show him u have ur own life..n u van be so independent..he should have a fear about future..
     
  10. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you Twinkel and nb25,

    I have been telling myself the same thing. Why should I yearn for him... I should try to show that I am happy and busy without him!!


     

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