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Pregnancy and in-laws behaviour

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by alice785, Dec 22, 2014.

  1. Dec 22, 2014 #1
    alice785

    alice785 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi guys, I am pregnant with my first child. I am very shocked with the behaviour of in-laws towards my pregnancy and want to know if it is something normal with majority of in-laws and also how should I react to it? Actually my in-laws are not very active people, they don't know much and my MIL is lazy lady who can't do anything. My in-laws are in a habit of putting work on other people's shoulders. I know of their basic nature. They are actually not worth for anything as they can't really do anything but gossip about others and let others down. Though in front of society they very well know how to keep a good face. They will speak all goody goody things to impress others but their reality I know. They are number one back biters. My DH also defends them a lot. He will never see them at fault ever even though from inside he knows everything. He will never admit their mistakes but will easily find mistakes in me and my family. All this really makes me go mad and sometimes I really show him my rough side. Then he keeps silent. I know he realizes everything but tries to save the face of his family in front of others. But why then find fault in other people when you yourself are silly people?

    Anyways, the issue here is that I am pregnant and also a working lady. My in-laws though show a lot of care on phone but no one is ready to come to help. My MIL is so shameless that she will openly say to me that your mother will come and do everything. She says that I suffer from bla bla problems and can't come. Let your mother stay for 3-4 months and help you. Recently, I happened to tell her that she will stay for a month or two though it is not yet fully planned as she has other commitments also, she got a bit upset but then also didn't say that I will come for help. This has made me really furious. These people are so show off. They try to be so good and caring on phone but in reality are not ready to do anything. Also my DH will praise them like anything.

    I really have started hating such double minded people. I know for sure that no one is going to come to see my kid also after he/she is born. If people are so uncaring and artificial then why to respect them? I have lost all respect for these silly people. Now I talk also on phone as a formality and do not tell them anything as I know that they are of no help to me. Why to give such people so much attention? I try to ignore them as much as possible and avoid communication. With DH also I will not talk about his parents or his family and whether they are coming or not etc etc. I know all are artificial. Ultimately it is me and my kid and my mom-dad-sister who have a real bond of love. Rest all are just show offs.

    So guys, this is it. I am still naive in this marriage thing and feel everything strongly and can't be artificial though I know society demands it. What do you suggest for me to do?
     
    alice785, Dec 22, 2014
    alice785, Dec 22, 2014
    #1
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  2. Dec 22, 2014 #2
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    DEar Op....
    Congratulations on your pregnancy.
    Pregnancy is neither a disease nor does it make anyone weak .
    You are a working woman and you should ask your husband to help out with your household work. This will also help you once you have the child .Your husband will get used to helping around the house.

    As for in laws....most people would kill to have in laws who don't want to be in your life all the time. Specially during pregnancy...you will be better of without them .You know they are lazy...why do you want them around? Let them be happy where they are.

    You can also get a maid to help around the house and train her for when the baby arrives. A well trained maid is extremely useful.Even if some one comes to help....the maid can be a help for them too.

    You may need some one during delivery and post care for about a month. Check with your parents if they are available and willing. Having your parents over is far more comfortable at this time than having in laws.

    Best Wishes for a comfortable pregnancy.
     
    yellowmango, Dec 22, 2014
    yellowmango, Dec 22, 2014
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  3. Dec 22, 2014 #3
    alice785

    alice785 Senior IL'ite

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    @yellomango

    Thanks, yes even I don't want them to be around me ever. Don't want to see their faces even. I am quite happy being with myself and yes DH helps me. I am just not able to handle the double sided approach. On one side you show so much care but on the other side you are not bothered. Also DH supports them and claims his family to be the best in world. This artificiality really makes me furious.
     
    alice785, Dec 22, 2014
    alice785, Dec 22, 2014
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  4. Dec 22, 2014 #4
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....most in laws are like that. Some lucky people do get in laws who care for the dil like a family. Learn to accept their hypocrisy if it is not effecting your married life because love and care can't be forced.You can just hope that with passage of time...they will start liking you like family...till then you also live your life without a care. If you stay long enough to read threads in this forum...you will realize things are not so bad.
    Have very little expectations because they are not your parents.
    Unless they are causing trouble in your married life...ignore them
    If husband feels they are the best..let him do that.You love your parents and consider them best. Both will be happy.
    If your husband expects you to do seva...or go out of your way to treat them well....then you can bring up your grouse in a calm but firm manner.

    You are pregnant...think of the good in your life.Thinking about things that frustrate is not going to help you.

    And if it still bothers you...learn the ultimate truth.Being happy is the best revenge. This is true for every situation. Just do things that make you happy and cut out things that make you unhappy. :)
     
    yellowmango, Dec 22, 2014
    yellowmango, Dec 22, 2014
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  5. Dec 22, 2014 #5
    Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    get full time maid now itself rather than after delivery. so u can feel comfortable & no need to ask for any ones help even your husband. let him share salary of maid. coming to MIL, you are right. no need to think of those waste pieces & try to avoid them in mind. maintain your harsh side with DH some times so he can maintain his boundaries with you in case of his parents. be peaceful & enjoye office work with help of maid.

    from my personal experience...read about parenting at initial days of baby life now itself. later you will not get time to read. :)
     
    Reesha, Dec 22, 2014
    Reesha, Dec 22, 2014
    #5
  6. Dec 22, 2014 #6
    CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    The last thing you want to have is your in-laws visiting when you are having your baby. They are very precious moments coming home with your new born and that is not the time having relatives coming over. Discuss with your DH how he can support you. Pregnancy/delivery is not illness and usually no extra help is needed. If there are medical reasons you can hire maid/outsource some of the chores.
     
    CrayoNess, Dec 22, 2014
    CrayoNess, Dec 22, 2014
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  7. Dec 22, 2014 #7
    Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    Count your blessings Op. Thank god that your MIL is not coming, saves you so much of trouble ! Mostly MILs never help out, just create tension and harass the Dil from what I have heard here in IL !!
     
    Weasly, Dec 22, 2014
    Weasly, Dec 22, 2014
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  8. Dec 23, 2014 #8
    dsmenon

    dsmenon Gold IL'ite

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    Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP!

    Even i am pregnant and i have morning sickness, nausea, vomiting, tiredness. Think of the symptom i have that. I am working FT. My in-laws live 40 miles from where we are and they are the family that i have here.

    Fun fact - 1 - At a point of time i was very much craving for Dosa and i asked my mil (my DH's insistence otherwise i would have done it myself) She brought it once said a lot abt the cold weather and the loooong drive (my SIL drives and almost every other weekend they are in our neighborhood). My DH called her to ask if they can come next weekend too (never mentioned abt the batter) She immediately said oh dear you guys are so far very difficult to come every weekend. But came the next weekend coz my niece wanted me to put her mehandi.

    Fun fact -2 - They have never called me to ask how i am doing or anything. Seems like she talks to my DH and thts enuff. Also, my Co-sis who is also in the US has not yet called us to congratulate already in my 14th week. (not that i want her to - but u kinda of expect)

    Fun fact - 3 - Even if i am at the worst of my health i cannot expect my MIL to come stay with me and help us just coz my SIL has a daughter (15 yrs old) and she has to look after her.

    I never complained about all these things to anyone. For me all i expect is my mom, my dad and my DH to take care of me. As long as they(my mom n dad) call me everyday and my DH takes care of me I am happy. I dont care if in-laws call me, help me I have absolutely 0 expectations from them.

    Didnot mean to hijack your thread OP but saw your post and it all came out (blame it on the hormones). Anyways, so what i intended to write was donot expect anything from your inlaws. In a way it is better they are not there to "help". Then it would be a different story with suggestions, opinions et al in the name of "help"
     
    dsmenon, Dec 23, 2014
    dsmenon, Dec 23, 2014
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  9. Dec 23, 2014 #9
    EverydayBloom

    EverydayBloom Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Op,

    Congratulations on your pregnancy....

    Please dont expect especially from in-laws when you are in need, if they help like giving water to you will be projected as they switched on the motor, collected the water into filter then take a glass, fill it and giving to you means-> they exaggerate every little thing that is done to DIL...do you need that show off?? Dont update your pregnancy journey either. As your DH is helping you, get as much pamper you can get from him and enjoy this journey :)

    When i was expecting my first kid, in-laws didnt even come to see my kid, they told that they cannt help us, its not our responsibility...they came only after my DS is 1.5yrs old, i didnt even get upset with that. Now we are outside India and expecting second baby, now they are talking sweetly to DH telling its our resp to take care of her, let us come over there...I was shocked and upset, i want my mom now but cannt help it as the so-called inlaws got visa, tickets and everything done. I know very well that they are coming to see the places here but the show off they are giving is helping with delivery..huh!!
     
    EverydayBloom, Dec 23, 2014
    EverydayBloom, Dec 23, 2014
    #9
  10. Dec 23, 2014 #10
    nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP.

    I feel you are very lucky to have ILs who are not the meddling type. You be the same with them. Show lots of concern and care on the phone, and keep in their and DH's good books.
     
    nb25, Dec 23, 2014
    nb25, Dec 23, 2014
    #10

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