need to vent

adimad · Dec 20, 2014

Between a new FT job and learning to be a mother, I havent had a chance to be active on IL for some months now. But finally its Christmas time - so slowdown at work and a couple public holidays have allowed me to check back in with all you lovely ladies!

PLUS of course since my in-laws are visiting, I have stuff to get off my chest so that it doesnt bottle up inside.

To be honest in the 1.5 weeks that they have been here, it hasnt YET been as bad as I had thought. But it is starting to go on the same path that I know will lead to a disaster and I dont know how to stop it.

Since the BIG fights I had with my DH when I was prego and 1 month after delivery, all because of my in-laws, I had decided to never let them into my house but then my DH seemed to realise and appeared to understand my point and agree with me, and promised that he'll take responsibility that his parents dont bother me, so here they are visiting us for 5-6 months :-(

I try to avoid conversation with them as much as I can and try to NEVER be alone with my MIL without DH, but if by chance there is such a situation, she doesnt miss it to ask me personal questions that irritate me like anything. I have clearly conveyed that I dont appreciate such questions so she never asks them in front of DH but keeps looking for a chance to catch me alone.

My in-laws hog the kitchen too - it seems like my MIL is always in the kitchen. I cook my own food as I am on a special diet. But my MIL prepares 6 meals a day and her routine is cook, eat/feed, clean up, start cooking next meal, eat/feed, cleanup .... 6 times. Its hard for me to find space for myself in my own kitchen!!!

Is this normal - having meals six times - like properly on the dining table - breakfast1(with milk), breakfast2(with tea), lunch, evening snacks, dinner, night milk. No meal is a quick one, MIL lays out the table and then clears it even for night milk.

FIL is another story - prob. the laziest MCP alive. All he does all day is invade the whole town's privacy. If we ask MIL to play(just play, not any work like feed or change) with our 1 yo daughter for 10 min while we make her food, he cant even stand that. immediately he picks her up on pretext of playing and she starts crying as she doesnt like to go to his lap, so he brings her to us and says "oh mumma ke pass jaana tha... yeh lo go to mumma"

I feel very uncomfortable with FIL in my house. he constantly keeps an eye on me. Last week he objected to me calling my hubby by his name. I didnt react at all - kept playing with DD, thankfully DH and MIL responded to him and told him how senseless he was being. Since then I make sure I call or refer to DH by name in front of him at least 10 times a day.

Similarly he feels like it is his birthright to sit in front seat in car always and usually just takes it for granted. So this time in the 1.5 weeks that they have been with us, I have always asked to drive (anyways its my car and I have a license my DH doesnt) when we all are going out and specifically request MIL or DH to sit in front to show him he is not God. Sorry, I know this is immature but things he does and says drive me nuts. He treats my MIL extremely badly and get pissed off that my DH doesnt do same to me.

Things like opening and reading letters addressed to me before handing them to me. observing and keeping records of what time I shower and for how long, how many times, at what times and for how long, I go to the toilet. if I hang my UGs and towel out to dry, he keeps a check on when they dry and brings them in when they are dry and INFORMS me! Has to peep over my shoulder if I am working on my computer. If I change position or turn, he follows so he can see.

MIL is not so bad at least. She only grabs me when DH not around to tell me the kind of jewellery or clothes I should wear. I never obey her but feel horrible that she thinks she can tell me what to wear.

I would have ignored a lot of these things but what they did when I was pregnant was so bad that I find it very very hard to see their face every morning and evening and whole day on holiday :-( X( . I want them to go back.

yellowmango · Dec 21, 2014

Things like opening and reading letters addressed to me before handing them to me
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Next time ask"Did it come open like this?"If he says he opened...ask"why"

if I hang my UGs and towel out to dry, he keeps a check on when they dry and brings them in when they are dry and INFORMS me
Click to expand...

Your fil is a pervert.Please inform husband and mil that you do not want him touching your UGs.Tell them to inform him.

It is my fil's job at their home to put clothes out and bring them in. He continued doing this in our place too.I would hang the clothes but he would bring them in inspite of my telling him he need not do it.
It was fine till my daughters were small....but a few years back I told my mil..."maa please tell papa not to get the clothes in because their are too many bras and panties washed now."That was the last time he brought the clothes in.

Next time he tries to read over your shoulders or just loiter around you...ask him if he wants anything...and continue looking at him till he stays.He will become uncomfortable and leave.

As for mil.....follow the blank stare at the wall with an occasional ...ok,yeah,hmmm.

Weasly · Dec 22, 2014

Hey Op,

I would suggest you start staring and following your FIL everytime he is around. Follow him like you would follow a thief and make him so uncomfortable that the next time he would not like to come to your place. I know these kind of people, they thing of women as their servant who are there to serve MCPs like him !! Act suspicious of him, act like you are keeping an eye on him. Do not let him play with your kid, almost like he cannot be trusted with anything important. These people treat everyone like that, and now that he is at your place you treat him like that else he will dance on your head. Next time he peeps over your shoulder, tell him you are working on a confidential project and your company wants you to maintain the agreements of your contracts. Tell your mailman that he should not hand in your letter to THIS person, tell him your FIL's name. Next time your mailman can himself tell him that his name is there in a DO-NOT-HANDOVER-TO-THIS-PERSON list. Or else if you have a mailbox, do not give om the key. Come on , this is your home, no one should treat you like that.

gauridinesh · Dec 22, 2014

Your FIL is a creep. Be aware of him..And dont let him do these things that irk you. If he folds your UGs and informs you, tell him politely 'Oh daddyji why do you need to do all this? Its our UG..dont do it, it makes me feel ashamed'.
Is it a laptop that you use? In that case, put it on your lap and sit with your back to the wall, so that he has no way to see it.
MIL, well seems harmless for now..just ignore.
I agree on the front seat though. When I Was in india, MIL and FIL would visit and FIL would constantly sit on the front as if it was his birth right. One day I sat in the front and MIL actually murmured that women should sit in the back.
The problem with sitting in the back is that it is very cramped and my MIL has this irritating habit of 'nudging' on my thigh when she speaks to get my attention. I absolutely hate it. So nowadays, when they come, I drive. No questions asked FIL HAS to sit in the back.

adimad · Dec 26, 2014

I also think that my FIL is a creep. He also has anger and violence issues and some mental illness too for which he is on medication. I dont feel comfortable at all leaving my DD with my MIL with him in the house.

So I have arranged for her to go to Daycare 5 days a week. But I dont know why DH is unhappy about that and is trying to convince me to let DD stay with them 3 days and go to daycare 2 days to save money. This drove me mad and I told him why he is thinking about money now for our child when he spends it like water when he has to send gifts to India. I explainned to him why I am not comfortable:
1. cant trust FIL - MIL admitted with herself that he has anger issues etc. but DH says he is ok now as he is on medication
2. Dont want my child to be exposed to the way FIL treats MIL . dont want her to see and learn that women should serve men. DH says she is too young to learn that. she is 14 months now and will be 19 months by the time they leave. I feel that kids are very perceptive and who knows what all she'll pick up.
3. Why burden them? - I feel that FIL doesnt enjoy taking care of her anyway - he plays for max 5 min then starts getting impatient or hands over to me. Sometimes he gets angry if I am home and doing something while my MIL is taking care of her, and he picks her up(that makes her cry) and starts saying"did you want to go to mumma?" and brings her back to me. But my DH doesn't agree. He says its not true and both his parents like spending time with DD.
4. It is good for her social development to go meet other kids and participate in activities. DH disagrees because apparently he had a chat with his friend whose opinion was that it is all the same - even better at home. I dont know what they chatted about and why he has that opinion but just based on his opinion I wont stop sending my DD to the daycare.

I was very firm when talking to DH yesterday and said I am not going to cancel or reduce her 5 days a week daycare starting from 2nd Jan. He didnt argue further but has been quiet and distant since then. This is his exact behaviour when he cant get me to do what he wants and I end up giving in or starting a fight due to this mental torture.

SO it has started - as soon as the distance between us and PILs decreases, the distance between me and hubby starts increasing.

adimad · Dec 27, 2014

I get bothered by the following things - Am I over reacting because it is normal for men in India to do this or does anyone else also feel the way I do?

1. FIL coming out of his room / bathroom half dresses - like still pulling his pants up or shirtless or sometimes only in his undergarments . DH says it is normal as that is how he has always been. But I feel that he should be more respectful of the fact that I and my kid live in the house. I feel nauseous when he does that. Although I'd say it may have reduced this time - I have seen it only twice in the 2.5 weeks they've been here. Bigger house and my full time job have helped a lot!!! Last time we were in a smaller aptmnt and I got to witness it 2-3 times a day.

2. FIL burps LOUUUUDLY all the time without bothering to cover his mouth or saying excuse me. I feel like pulling my hair out especially when he does it on the table while everyone else is eating. Sometimes I can smell it and I feel like slapping him in the face. Such crap manners drive me crazy. everyone else slogs all day. All he does is sleep - keep an eye on us - demand for food to be served - come and eat and BURP - then leave, doesnt even bother to pick up his plate and take it to the kitchen.

3. He repeats questions about me that he knows the answer to, prob. just to try and make me uncomfortable. Eg he knows I am on a diet and I measure and cook my food separately and dont eat anything else. Still he asks why I am not eating the food, 6 times a day, and always asks MIL not me but only asks in front of me.

I think I am going mad. Cant wait for holidays to get over so that I can go back to work and away from this hell. But I feel so sad that I am wishing to get time away from my own home and my own kid :-(

It is my and DH's house that we have and are still working so hard for. I want to make it a beautiful happy place for us and our child. But I have to put up with these people. If it is my home, why dont I have the right to not have to share it with such people? They take away all the happiness and fill my house with complains, anger and dissatisfaction. Not a single positive thing ever comes out of their mouth.

cheenu123 · Dec 27, 2014

Dear OP,

I empathize. I also witness (I cant say go through because I have gradually, and I still am trying to change my reaction to the situations) some such grossly unacceptable MIL behavior. Like she burps so loudly that i wake up in the middle of night even when if I am in deep sleep. Secondly, on the dining table, she will wash her hands from the jug in her plate itself and then will wipe her hands from her suit!! Another thing, in the morning she can't wait to go to the washroom and starts farting full throttle on her bed. Initially these things would drive me crazy and my DH would be embarrassed but upon introspection I realized, why do I have to react to such situations? Why do I have to feel bad or disgusted or embarrassed? Why can't I go about my own business and ignore such things which are not in my control?
She is my MIL, not my child for whose mannerisms and demeanor I am responsible. Moreover, if in her place, my mom was there would I have a tiff with her because of all these things? If I find something objectionable in my mom I do try to have a subtle talk with her so as not to offend her but even then, I never insist too hard. But here in my MIL's case, I choose to ignore because there are plenty of other battles in our lives [relationship problems, official problems, health issues, etc.). There are far better things in life to concentrate upon.

yellowmango · Dec 27, 2014

Op...put your foot down as far as your child's safety is concerned. Medicine or no medicine...your child should not be left around that person when you are not home.
as for other issues.
1)Talk to mil about him coming out in his UGs.Tell her it is not respectable to others.
2)I don't know how far this is correct...but I asked my daughter to sort out a loud burper in the family. My daughter went...chee...it is bad manners to burp like that.That person would burp and then declare ...In yoga....that is a sign that one should stop eating....also it means the person appreciated the food. It was yuck! My daughter was relentless...finally it stopped after 3-4 days.
3) If he does that ....move away without answering.
best wishes.