MIL/SIL behaviour - common issue but takes away Sanity!

liberatedpearl · Dec 17, 2014

"Is there any way to reduce SIL's visits?"
I read this entire thread so carefully the incidents posted by many friends there are so very close to my current situation & I think most of us who are living in JF are more or less facing such issues.
I am posting here separately because after writing all, I realized its a bigger post with mixed problems. May not be apt to post it under same thread.
I am just feeling sooo pi**** off & hopeless!! I am not finding any solution... I may be wrong at judging my current situation and that's how sharing with you all to understand the way fwd.

My SIL used to visit our home too frequently as in mini. 3-4 times in a week (almost daily). Wanted or Un-wanted, problems arose because of obvious reasons - MIL being too partial and forget the world whenever sil is around, pampering her to the height and treating me as her servant, literally!! I kept on bearing all thinking things will change soon as she was expecting and once she will have a kid, she will get less time to barge in! But i was wrong!! Lately she got blessed with an angel. Maximum days she could hold herself back at her home were 30 days after which she came running to our home feeling HOME SICK:help
She is married (love marriage) and is keeping good at her home. She left working after she conceived & thus she has ample time. She used to be with us all the times and even used to send food at her home from here. Her in-laws are off n on here as they have their home in another state as well, so max. time her ILs are not with her. Soon she completed 30 days with her kid at her home, she came to stay with us for 20 days! We have full time maid but she is utilizing our maid's services to the max. possible. I am full time working and come home in evening. I have told maid certain basic tasks like cleaning my room, laundry, taking care of my kid once she is back from school and that's all. I go mad seeing none of this happening and when i question my maid, she has a simple reason that my SIL is here and she is running all the day doing her tasks! What about my KID? She is sitting at our home now every 2nd or 3rd day.
Just before her delivery, my mil and me got into some conflict for which we stopped talking to each other. Now my mil also has got good excuse to avoid things as she is not answerable to anyone.... She intentionally is adding to the situation by making me feeling an outsider and giving me cold behavior but in front of my hubby, she behaves the other way round. As I mentioned in my earlier post as well, all of these (as in my mil, sil & fil) used to gang up and indirectly tease me by avoiding me, sitting together, even involving my kid with them and not talking to me at all, eating, talking and laughing sitting in front of me using maid services and totally avoiding my presence. I feel like an intruder in my own home. Being working and have a kid studying in school, i cannot afford to go to my mom's house as it is not even near to my home. I feel all left alone, though lately I have started keeping myself occupied either by going on walk, of watching TV in my room but is that the solution? I feel like jailed in my own house. I have tried discussing this many a times with my hubby but he tells me to ignore. How long one can do so?? He gets all the importance by in ILs, my sil is there most of the times getting her load and tantrums on! What is my place? Where shall I go ? and i am 200 percent sure that all this intentional, just to make me feel what I am feeling. I try to make myself understand this and also tries to avoid but it is actually difficult. How thick skin one can be!! Isnt' there some limit? PS - my H comes quite late home, he has got a shift duty so he is not around me to see all this.
Lately, some one expired in my ILs family and my MIL dint even bother to talk or tell me this. She kept talking on phones with her relatives and others and I got to know from my hubby. He went to the Cremation ceremony. I told him to let me know whenever I am required to go for the final rituals. To my dismay, my ILs went without telling me to the Kriya ceremony where entire family was present. They did it intentionally to spoil my image in front of the extended family. I was literally shocked. I discussed with my H without fighting on the issue, again he told me to ignore as if they are not bothered, I should also not be!

I am kind of getting ripped. Separation with ILs is a big NO. This will happen No day. Living in such an atmosphere is taking a toll on my health as well. I am not able to understand what to do. Anyone here suggest me a way fwd!!!

Reesha · Dec 17, 2014

why don't u send ur MIL to SIL house daily to take care her baby because your kid having full time maid naa? do secret agreement with your maid like "maid will spoil any work assigned by SIL , if she quarreled with Maid, then you enter into scene & request MIL to go to SIL home because you need maid to take care home & baby." just act like you are also supporting SIL in front & but support maid in back.

shout on maid like in front SIL like..."why you didn't do my work which i said on morning? who are your owner in this house other than me? so on...". but please maid in back.

this formula works for me in case of MIL.
but be care full in plan execution.

SGBV · Dec 17, 2014

Have you discussed your emotions with examples like you mentioned above in this post with your husband?

What was his response?

Did you tell him clearly that you can't keep on ignoring certain things, specially their ignorance, no respect, the Maid's tasks and your kid's isolation in detail?

If so, what does your H has to say then?

Are you really convinced by your H's reaction?

How is your relationship with your H otherwise?

Last but not the least... Whose house is that? Are you a part of your in laws' house and family or they are living with you in your house?

SGBV · Dec 17, 2014

If you have tried all the above with your H, but failed to convince him or him being momma's boy refused to understand you... Then the only posibility is to fight for your rights. YOU CANT LIVE LIKE THIS FOREVER. A marriage like this is worth nothing. There is no return if there is no risk.

Start with your maid. Tell her what needs to be done. If she is instructed otherwise, let her know that you are her boss, and her salary will be paid by you based on how satisfied you are about her work.
If maid continues to dance as per their tune, then change a new maid. This time warn the maid in advance about the issues.

Spend most of your times with your kid, and make sure maid does the work on your behalf.

If SIL demands, clearly say NO when it is required to say so

if MIL shows faces, you also show the same

If your H comes in between, ask him to back off the way he advised you to do so.

Slowly but firmly take the control of your house. Let others stay at their own places, so that no one poke their nose into your business.

However, all can be done only if the house is yours. If that is your in laws' house, then as long as your MIL is there, your place is not more than a member there.

liberatedpearl · Dec 17, 2014

Hi Reesha
As I mentioned I am full time working and maid is under control of my mil... so this trick will not work as my mil is already doing this with her.... for eg. if I will question my maid why this was not done, my mil will also ask maid the same question - "why you did not do this? you should have done this!!!" and that's it!

liberatedpearl · Dec 17, 2014

hi SGBV - I have discussed this many a times with my H but every time he has 2 things to say - deal it yourself, y r u telling it to me - i will go and fight then, do you want that? and I will keep quiet then OR another thing he would tell me would be to IGNORE and don't brother!
This is in laws house but to mention, I am married and staying with them for last 12 years now! So this hardly matters whose house is this.... if my hubby is not willing for getting another house, this is my house. I have given best of my years in serving & taking care of my ILs and just because of my mil's selfish behavior & deeds, all this cannot be ignored.

SGBV · Dec 17, 2014

If that is in laws' house then your SIL's has her rights to visit there. If not there, where else she can go as her mother's place. Just because you don't visit your parents' house, doesn't mean no one should visit their parents' house after marriage. Also, you can't limit her frequent visits just because you don't like it.

Having said that, I very well understand your issues, their ignorance and the disturbance specially the kid's matter and the maid's matter.

Do one thing.... Make a small heaven of yours within that house. Since your H has already given you the green signal to deal this issue within yourself, do it.

Let me tell you. My sister lives with her in laws. She too has this SIL's frequent visit, and other similar issues. However, she did not react. That itself demotivate if their intention is to upset you.

My sister literally runs the house. Initially it was her MIL who ran the house as per her taste. Slowly my sister took over the kitchen. Cooked what she liked, what she believed healthy and left for the office. If MIL prefers something else, then she would cook them. But my sister will eat what she feels like eating. Mainly her own cooking.
She even asks rather orders the maid to cook certain food as per her style only. But it doesnt mean the maid is not allowed to cook what her MIL wants. Priority is given for my sister's tastes as she does her cooking early in the morning before going for work.

Then, she has her own room.. She expanded it after her marriage. She brought her own couch, TV and other required furniture for her big room.

She has created her own garden. Planted her own plants, waters them and enjoy the benefits.

She spends time with her kid, teaching the little one poems, and browsing net when she is free. She watches TV and eats as per her own clock.

She just took this initiative, didnt bother about others comments. Mostly her MIL and SIL would cook together or eat together. She shows no regret, but wholeheartedly welcome them. They even share their meals, ideas with her when they happen to sit or discuss together. But it is solely upto my sister to accept or reject the ideas. She wont even take them with her H.

Like your H says, ignore if their deeds bother you. Specially dont pay any attention. Pretend as if you are living in a flat, and do not bother about the next door people no matter how much annoying they are.

chillbreeze · Dec 17, 2014

I like SGBV's suggestions. Considering that sil is often at your house and you cannot move out separately, try these too if its of any help:

1. If ils join forces and ignore you, you too ignore them. Pretend to be not bothered about them and be happy. Make a special dish for your child, play with your kid, take him/her out for a walk, invite his/her friends over.
2. Make plans for the three of you (yourself, hubby, and kid) to go out during weekends or eat out. You can also be happy with your family. If husband resists, ask him if he can't even do this his family (i.e. you and his kid).
3. Apart from this, staying in your room and watching tv or doing something you like is a good idea. I do this quite often. I don't have a tv but I read or watch something in laptop or give myself facial/pedicure.

Btw, who cooks food for all of you? Kitchen control is another major issue in such situations.

yellowmango · Dec 17, 2014

Dear op...
Next time he says

deal it yourself, y r u telling it to me - i will go and fight then, do you want that?
Click to expand...

Ask him...How long do you expect me to bear this?Do you want me to go and fight?

If he says

IGNORE and don't brother!
Click to expand...

say...If I deal with it my way....will you also ignore and not bother?

Let him know that you have had enough and you are no longer ready to put up with this nonsense.If he has any sense,he will go and talk to the 'gang'.If not...you can start asking them questions yourself.

As for the maid situation. Tell husband,preferably in front of others..."Since the present maid is occupied full time with sil and her baby...I am going to get another one to help around the house and to look after my child".Then employ one and make your husband pay for this maid.

liberatedpearl · Dec 17, 2014

maid is a shared resource as in 60% paid by us and 40% paid by ILs... so both have hold over her... i cannot dictate her alone. I was never in this favor but my H insisted ILs to put some share and reason behind was - my ILs never allowed any maid to stay beyond few days by their strange and weird reason and we were facing many problems in getting a stable maid but at the same time, they never openly said anything. So my H asked them if they want a maid or NO and if they really want, they also have to put some share in her salary payment and that how it is....

He is not really a Momma boy but no better as well. He avoids to be in a conflicting situation where he has to face both of us together and if any point n time he is in such situation, he makes it worse by Un-necessarily shouting on us and making mountain out of a mole and not by talking to anyone of us for months.... all this affects me most because he is the one on which i can rest and after all such fights, my ILs keeps on buttering him, paying over attention to him, sil also intervene and try to make him understand by pointing out false things about me, all starts talking to him and again starts avoiding me and tries to prove me as villain.... they all are in win - win situation and its only me who is left alone! The biggest issue here is they all gang up and leave me aside and my H fails to realize all this. I feel, its not even my H fault, they do not do all this openly and do such cheap tricks very smartly. Even I failed to understand all this during initial years of my marriage but now I have seen this no. of times and I know the typical pattern they follow.
My ILs even starts bad-mouthing me in front of relatives and their known ppl and showcase such scenario as well. The last incident that shacked me was they went without taking me or informing me on the final rights ceremony of a close-by who expired in our family and imagine what they would have said there about my absence :hide: