Who should I bring this to ? MIL SIL or none

Goahead · Nov 29, 2014

I have been married for a decade and was quiet for quiet a long time on all the partialities, taunts, cunningness etc from MIL and SIL. For the last 2 years , I have reached my limit mainly because my husband has started to get too much lovey dovey with inlaws and is even planning to move them in.

In my last post, lot of you guys mentioned that I shall be quiet and not say much to husband . He does know how his mother, sister treats us but ignores it and his love for them is always the same. I take a back seat. He has gone to the level where he wants me to treat his mother sister the same as mine and it breaks my heart that i'm so left behind in all the communications from inlaws, but when it comes to my things I should be the same to my family or his.

My biggest problem is that if they are going to move in, I cannot live with all this . hence, for the past couple of years I have started to say more which seems like a complain to my husband, but yes that is a true situation that happened, you may call it a complain or whatever , but if eyes are closed I have to bring it up

Now the recent thing: When I got pregnant few months back and I told my MIL the same time as my mom My MIL immediately called my SIL and told her the news of Pregnancy .

This time my SIL got pregant, My MIL knew the whole time, but never mentioned a word to me. SIL tells me now . I congratulated her etc. But I feel why cant my MIL treat us the same. It is a good family news. We talk to her few times a week and both MIL or FIL never mentioned. They will ask about my pregnancy but never mentioned a word. It hurts me that SIL is like a family who need to be told everything immediately, but we are like outsiders who will be told when everyone else is .

I casually mentioned to my husband and he said ofcourse the MIL would have known from long, she must be waiting for SIL to tell. The thought never came to his mind, that the MIL did not wait for me to tell SIL about the pregancy . The news flew like a spacecraft and reached SIL . Also the hiding part ticks me off. The parent hiding stuff from one kid but to other they are like family .

I was thinking I should have a conversation with MIL and shall mention or request her to treat us the same. We dnt treat them any less parents that my SIL. Ratheer when it comes to doing anything financially, emotionally and even for their old age, we are responsible. so this treatment does hurt and effect the future .

what shall I do ? Any thoughts ?

Rihana · Nov 29, 2014

Another thread?

Goahead said: ↑

My biggest problem is that if they are going to move in, I cannot live with all this .
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Keep it simple. Just say no if/when husband brings up the topic. List the reasons then, not from now till then.

Now the recent thing: When I got pregnant few months back and I told my MIL the same time as my mom My MIL immediately called my SIL and told her the news of Pregnancy .
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Again. Keep it simple. If you tell somebody a news or information, you have no control over what they do with it, even if you swear them to total secrecy.

You have no control over when MIL will tell you pregnancy news of your SIL. Accept that, learn from this experience, and in future keep that in mind.

I do understand your hurt at not knowing the news till late, but there is not much you can do about such things. Why let it have an effect on your relationship with husband?

yellowmango · Nov 29, 2014

Op....choose your battles well.How does it matter when the message was conveyed by whom?This does not matter . Fight for the real issue. If you don't want JF....fight for it.
If you fight over these issues ...then you will come across as someone who complains about everything. Lose a few battles to win the real war.

Goahead · Nov 29, 2014

thank you ladies...

Rihana " another post ": yes trying to learn from all the experiences that you all had.

did not go to anyone else this time straight but thought of asking you all ...

you say bring the issues when the husband brings the topic up.. the topic is us..we are in US and it will take us few years to move them here...its quiet understood that they will...hence, i'm concerned while all the visa and paper work goes on..I want to settle this thing/issue, elses I will be a stranger in my own house...

1Sandhya · Nov 29, 2014

Goahead said: ↑

thank you ladies...
you say bring the issues when the husband brings the topic up.. the topic is us..we are in US and it will take us few years to move them here...its quiet understood that they will...hence, i'm concerned while all the visa and paper work goes on..I want to settle this thing/issue, elses I will be a stranger in my own house...
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If that is truly your concern, then start living your life right now in your house the way you always wanted. Take control of the aspects of the house you want to control, decide and arrange the different things the way you want, from now itself. clearly establish that this is how your house is run and your h is also used to this way of doing things.
On India trips dont give in and let what you want take backseat to the majority opinion. Be adamant that what you want is among the things on the list of 'Things to do' and make sure they get done. In this way, clearly establish your presence in that household, that your voice and opinions do matter. Every once in awhile, mention to MIL casually that you are the one who is going to take care of her, not her dd. Dont let her forget that. You can say it nicely if there is no other issue.
Rest of the time, stop thinking of mil and her partiality. If some issue like this comes up and is really upsetting you, mention it (as an observation) to your h in a resigned, conversational, 'some things will never change no matter how much I adjust', kind of way, not accusing, and not as a complaint. Just tell your h, and then drop the matter. Dont put him on the spot or make him feel as if he has to give explanations. You are just sharing your observation with your h because you two are one, one unit. Then be a little quiet for a while around him before becoming normal.

cheenu123 · Nov 29, 2014

YM
Lose a few battles to win the real war.

Well said, well said, few words but so much depth if only we apply it more & more, I am trying YM for my personal battles for you suggested this to me also sometime back, thanks

yellowmango · Nov 29, 2014

1Sandhya said: ↑

If that is truly your concern, then start living your life right now in your house the way you always wanted. Take control of the aspects of the house you want to control, decide and arrange the different things the way you want, from now itself. clearly establish that this is how your house is run and your h is also used to this way of doing things.
On India trips dont give in and let what you want take backseat to the majority opinion. Be adamant that what you want is among the things on the list of 'Things to do' and make sure they get done. In this way, clearly establish your presence in that household, that your voice and opinions do matter. Every once in awhile, mention to MIL casually that you are the one who is going to take care of her, not her dd. Dont let her forget that. You can say it nicely if there is no other issue.
Rest of the time, stop thinking of mil and her partiality. If some issue like this comes up and is really upsetting you, mention it (as an observation) to your h in a resigned, conversational, 'some things will never change no matter how much I adjust', kind of way, not accusing, and not as a complaint. Just tell your h, and then drop the matter. Dont put him on the spot or make him feel as if he has to give explanations. You are just sharing your observation with your h because you two are one, one unit. Then be a little quiet for a while around him before becoming normal.
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.
Op....these are golden words.This is the way to get your life the way you want...slowly ,firmly ,without too much drama.

My mil was the one, people had warned my parents about before we got married. My mom asked me a few times if I would be able to adjust.....but damn,she had the cutest son,so I agreed.Early on she wanted to control everything...from the number of plants I had,to how many children we would have. Comments were even made about the kind of undergarments are good(the pure cotton ones)comments were made on how many friends we should have,what type and how WE were a non socializing kind of people.That was the level of interference.

The first few times she came to visit...she would inspect the home and then say"I will rest today...then I will take over from tomorrow".I took back my life and my home the way Sandhya has mentioned.You make your presence in there life and your home. Don't wait for them to make place for you....in your own life.
Best wishes dear OP.

Radhai · Nov 30, 2014

1Sandhya said: ↑

If that is truly your concern, then start living your life right now in your house the way you always wanted. Take control of the aspects of the house you want to control, decide and arrange the different things the way you want, from now itself. clearly establish that this is how your house is run and your h is also used to this way of doing things.
On India trips dont give in and let what you want take backseat to the majority opinion. Be adamant that what you want is among the things on the list of 'Things to do' and make sure they get done. In this way, clearly establish your presence in that household, that your voice and opinions do matter. Every once in awhile, mention to MIL casually that you are the one who is going to take care of her, not her dd. Dont let her forget that. You can say it nicely if there is no other issue.
Rest of the time, stop thinking of mil and her partiality. If some issue like this comes up and is really upsetting you, mention it (as an observation) to your h in a resigned, conversational, 'some things will never change no matter how much I adjust', kind of way, not accusing, and not as a complaint. Just tell your h, and then drop the matter. Dont put him on the spot or make him feel as if he has to give explanations. You are just sharing your observation with your h because you two are one, one unit. Then be a little quiet for a while around him before becoming normal.
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why can't IL tech team consider adding a handy nominate button next to each post?
OP, sorry for the digress.

Akanksha1982 · Nov 30, 2014

:clap Great Post Sandhya.

Make sure that they come in only after you have a house. Don't get them in an apartment. It will be difficult as you will be bumping into them.

Don't worry about your MIL not telling you about the pregnancy news or other things. Life is too short to worry about such minor stuff. Focus on your family and house.

Jhilmill · Nov 30, 2014

Was your husband informed late too then you can mention that to your husband..."I can understand they treat me as outsider but I can not tolerate your disrespect." and move on.