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confused about my in-laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Love84, Nov 25, 2014.

  1. Love84

    Love84 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi All,


    I have been married for 5 years still TTC. I am going to india on a vacation to chennai but i dont feel good at all. I am going to see veryone after 3 years and i still dont feel good. many have oved in their life while i am still trying to have a family. My MIL who lives in Salem wanted me to spend time with her last year my grandfather died and i couldnt go to his funeral so i am managing my leave to attend his first year ceremony and with visa stamping date & it comes to 10 days of vacation which i am spending time with my mom . My SIL is on vacation too who was recently married and is in US too she came for thala diwali to india and would be leaving by decemeber only along with us. Out of 30 days i am spending only 10 days with my family and my MIl doesnt accept that . She now asks me to come some other day like 13 days after i am in india as she wants to attend the Upanayanam ceremony of my DH s cousin sisters son. My DH didnt like it and he asked her why she has to come like 13 days for which she told that she has to attend that ceremony and cant come and pick me up in the station. he asked her whether that is important than your DIL to which she says they will look after me and your father not you guys. My DH was so angry now he doesnt want me to go to salem at all he says that they have disrespected him and me and asks me not to go to their place at all. we both are really depressed. they havent pinged us or messaged us or called us after that . they justtold my mother that i will be vising only 13 days later and they have mailed the tickets to her address. I am now in a fix what should i do now. They initially last year stopped me from coming to india for my grandfathers funeral and my SiLs marriage. my MIL said to me and my mother that i should not even see the marriage in skype. the reason is she doesnt want me to feel low. She phoned everyone in my family and asked them to come to marriage and to convince me not to see the marriage in skype.she initially didnt like me going to office either just that my SIl is going to attend college next year she wants me to go to college she said that as i am TTC going to office will not be a good option. is she really innocent or she is cunning..? we had spent all our saving s for my SIL s marriage close to 15 lakhs and they didnt even want me to see the marriage. Now they want me to visit them only at their convienient days. Should i have to go as per their schedule or my DH s words.. ?


    Sorry for the long post.. I am really disurbed.
     
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  2. Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    Hey op,

    my suggestion is please decide what you have to do and how many days u have to go each place and with ur husband. U need not discuss all this to ur mil or inlaws or ur parents. Decide on ur own n stick to it. No one shudhave to tell u whn to cm n go, come on, u shudnt hv asked in the first place. U have to manage things accto ur convinience n not as per 500 other ppl, if u try to please evryone ull never be happy. one u r in US, second booking tickets n changing is not easy, then there is number of days as holiday as constraint, then ur state of affair for travellin, then there is managing visa stamping appointment n den meeting everyone n den u r asked to change ur trip schedule 100 times. Jist decide ur schedule n tell them n its non negotiable!! Dont even gv the option ofchanging n shifting and all. N if in that tym dey can meet u den fine else forget it. Dont kill urself over pleaseing ppl who r there only to create trouble!
     
  3. Keet

    Keet Silver IL'ite

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    Better plan your stay with your MIL according to both of your convenience, not only your convenience or hers. As much as your grand father's death anniversary is important to you her family side function is important to her.
     
  4. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Op, if your ILs have been mean to you and your husband doesn't want you to go, why do you want to go? does your husband know they've sent tickets? does he still insist that you don't visit? If it suits you not to visit, just dont go.

    your mil is pulling tank to dictate in what you should and should not do. You need to be bold and do just as you plan. Nod your head or say "I'll consider your idea" when your mil comes up with something. Then go ahead and do it your way.

    Dont to try to figure them out. It is useless. You figure yourself out; analyse what you want and go for it...
     
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  5. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Go as per your and your husband's original plan. Why try to please people who are above being pleased?

    Your MIL has made it clear that you are not so important to her. Why alter your schedule to suit her convenience?

    Your husband himself feels it is not right on MIL's part. He is supporting you.

    Just say "MIL, then I will not be able to meet you."
     
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  6. Love84

    Love84 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank You Guesshoo, weasley and Keet everything in the family will happen only to their wishes even my trip i should be ther only when they want to .. i should go to thirupathi only when they will be free and not according to the wishes. They have sent the tickets only after the fight with my DH.He was pissed off with their behaviour and the way they fighted with him . he said i will be there in house and will take rest whwn they come home. they just have to send the driver. They were not okay with this.

    I am just tired of her bullying me all the time and dictating me when to visit and when to go to other places and all. F My problem is when i dont go to their place they will put up a big fight . my DH was pissed with their stubborn dont care attitude after spending so much money for marriage and repaying the loans for marriage my DH expectd a warm receive for me . But i guess its not gonna happen anytime soon :(
     
  7. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    OP:
    Some people have no respect for weaklings and if you show you are weakling, they just increase walking all over you instead of decrease. Be strong. The ladies have all given you good advice. I would just add that since you only have x days in India, prioritize what is most important to YOU and make a list. Figure out what you can fit in and when and plan accordingly.
     
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OP,

    People in India, sometimes even own parents and siblings, do not always get how tight the schedule can get when we visit India. And how much of time, planning, effort, time-off from work, and money goes into it.

    Always book your own tickets for domestic within India travel, and arrange your own local transport, even from airport or railway station. Everything is available online and is safe to use also.

    The minute husband said to drop Salem from the visit, why even think twice after that?

    And dear, a trip to India is rarely a "vacation". Vacation is what you need after returning from India. :coffee

    -R
     
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  9. perfundo

    perfundo Silver IL'ite

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    That's the root of discontentment. parents expect kids to look after them, because they looked after you when you were young and paid your fees, unlike USA.

    I've no opinion on parents expectation are right or not.... to each his/her own. just be generous and understanding in your affection towards the old lady, try genuinely care for them, not necessarily by being there but there are many ways if you want to. also the old lady has lost her husband, it is I'm sure very painful for her, not easy to over come.
     
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  10. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    May be you not having a child is affecting the relationship bet you and inlaws. There is a notion in india that its unlucky to have a childless married woman in functions.This could be crude ,may be your MIL is trying to act diplomatic to you with her beliefs.
     
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