MIL the biggest problem

Janimeow · Nov 23, 2014

Hi all,
my MIL has come to stay with us for a while. As I mentioned in my previous thread she has been a very good person and closer to me compare to my SIL. but now everything has changed. My DH's brother's family also in the same city. So she stays with us for a week and with them. When she arrived she was quite normal and good with me. Then she started the typical MIL's behaviours as shown in tele dramas. Each time she comes to stay with us there will be a problem between me and my DH. she likes her elder son more than my DH and always cares about his family. But when I'm around at our home she tries to impress my DH that his mom is very smart and caring though she doesn't even talk much DH when her elder son is around.

As I'm working far from my home I travel two hours everyday, so I relax on weekends only. I do clean, laundry and cook . So I need whole two days to finish my household work and relax myself cause I easily get tired and I'm in the stage of anaemic. This woman always tells that her else DIL works hard she needs to relax but doesn't even ask how I'm feeling. Soon after I get home she asks me to make tea or coffee.. I take subway to my work and sometimes I will be standing whole 1 hour. I will be tired and exhausted when I get home.

So last time when she came to our place she asked me about Diwali since it was on weekday and our first Diwali after marriage I saiid I will come from work, make dinner and then go to temple. She asked us to visit her elder son's home for dinner I refused it cause it's too far from our home and will be too late and next day we have work. So she started venting that I'm not adjusting , not obeying her and don't like to mingle with their family and stared scolding me. What did I do wrong?. I just said what is practical way since temple is closer to our home and her elder son's family should come there anyway since there aren't any temple in their area.

She started talking unnecessary things and I got angry, i have a problem I can't tolerate fake people. I shouted and she shouted and it was a terrific Diwali I ever had. I was very excited about since it was our first Diwali together but his woman made everything upside down.

Even though she's mad at me my mom always tells me to do my duties. So I really care about her and ask her if she needs money or anything. I treat her as my mom cause god knows me. But this one takes everything in a different way .

Today is is the worst day of my life. Her elder DIL bought a home and they asked her to come with them to clean their home since next week they gonna have house warming. So her elder son called her and asked her to come with them and told her to take me also. He didn't even talk to me. I said if you wanna go no problem you can go with them since my DH is working whole day today and I do my household works on every Saturday so I can relax on Sundays this my routine. I just told her casually, and I don't go anywhere without DH rather than work. So she started her vent again and scolded me that I have never ever heard .. Even my parents didn't scold like that. Her problem is whatever her elder son asks we must do we must obey but hey didn't even ask us when we bought our home he didn't even come a single day to help us. We did everything ourselves.

She dragged my mom in to this problem and talked as much as she can. I called my mom and I cried . My parents are back home, so they started worrying and made as a big blast. By that time my DH has gone out. Once he came she started telling everything upside down. She said I only stared to shout first and told I need to adjust everyone and bla bla bla. My DH doesn't support me neither his mom. But he doesn't even be neutral he says both of us are wrong, even though I didn't even make a mistake.

I'm feeling down mentally, physically. I easily feel tired as I said before. So these people don't even care about my health and they want me to do whatever they say. She says like she's in 18th century that I shouldn't have personal feelings. I must do whatever my DH says. I'm helpless I don't have any friends or people that I can share my feelings. I always feel alone . How can I over come this situation.? Sharing feelings with DH is okay but didn't give much results he anyways gonna do the same things again and again, doesn't give solution. Please help me sister

Reesha · Nov 23, 2014

hi jani,

i can say there is mistake from your side also. As part of MIL, she is really 19th century woman. so if she behaves like that, it is normal thing. but what happen to you? you are 20th century girl right.... you should have to do smart thinking while talking/shouting on her that what are next consequence will be. just with out using brain, you expressed your feelings frankly to her. it makes her catch up you in worst situations.

i did same mistake in earlier days with my MIL. later i learn smart cunning behaviour which provides lot of safety & peace of mind now even i am staying with PILs. let me know....

if i were in your position i will act like i am favouring to MIL( but don't in reality). let me explain...when she asked me to visit BIL home for Diwali, i will go in reverse gear that..." amma ji temple is nearer to our home. so they have to come to temple. so invite them to our house for dinner. i will give treat ..." with husky voice & kind looking face. so she can't say NO, because i can argue that i am not opposing to meet them. as well as i am trying to avoid burden on co-sis like kitchen work & respecting them so on....by inviting them. if they visit my house, i will order most of items from hotel(like starters & fried rices or something special items) & did Rice & Dal in my kitchen. so less work. but creating big image to MIL that, i am satisfying her wish.

in your case, what's your & your DH relation with BIL & co-sis? how he(BIL) can ask your MIL to take you too for cleaning purpose with out your permission?

if MIL nags the topic, be deaf or give counter with normal voice instead of showing frustration & confidence in your voice levels. every time do like that. after some time, she knows that nothing will work with you. don't say your feelings(reasons) frankly. just try to cover it with something reason like health problems or doing some delay so on....if she asks you to come to any where, Don't say NO. just act like...we can. let me complete this work& act like busy bee until time outs.

Escape is mantra for this generation DIL to maintain peace of mind in our busy lives. practice this escaping & fake reasons. later see how much you free from MIL nagging. All the best.

yellowmango · Nov 23, 2014

It is good that you are sticking to your guns and not letting bil /mil decide how you lead your life....but you are making a mistake by shouting.The previous generation cannot tolerate that plus the moment you shout...they win,because everything else becomes unimportant ...only thing that matters is that you shouted and disrespected them.So next time,take a deep breadth and simply say"I have my plans and I can't do that"very firmly.If she vents and scolds....just move away.You don't have to listen.

Stick to your guns when it is decisions where others are trying to decide your life....but try to compensate by being respectful and extra nice otherwise. Make her favorite food ...take her out...whatever. If she is using your neutral dh against you...you be extra nice in front of him.Most importantly...don't lose your cool....you lose most battles when you lose your temper.

Foe e.g.....the Diwali incident. You could have just firmly told her that you will spend your first Diwali at your home ......no need to argue or explain. As a compromise you could have asked bil's family to visit instead .

YoGirl · Nov 23, 2014

I like that you stood up for yourself..thats an art many are trying to do, but can't do because of submissive nature..
By now, she must have understood what you are..
Culture works different in different countries..and we don't move away from India to still continue all this nagging..MILs are proud that their sons are well settled abroad(and so are daughters parents)...but forget to understand that a coin has both sides..
Just like other ILities mentioned here...try perfecting your art..and yes..we need to stand up for ourselves else no one else will do it for us.

pantu · Nov 23, 2014

Stand for yourself but don't loose your temper. Do it very smartly , so you will be the
winner. Don't let others to decide for you. You are your own. You have a mind to
think, so use it carefully. Other posters gave excellent advises follow it. Believe me
it works that way only.

Janimeow · Nov 24, 2014

Thank you so much everyone I really appreciate your thoughts! I agree there are my mistakes too, but I wasn't able to bear her words and behaviour towards me. She twisted the story and complained about me to all, but who cares?? From all of your advices I got to know how to handle her smartly. Thanks lot again

DKI · Nov 24, 2014

Good for you for standing up for yourself. When my inlaws visited me for the first time soon after marriage, my MIL would find fault with everything I did. But would not say anything WHILE doing it. If I am making a mistake, I wouldn't mind being corrected rather than criticized AFTER the fact.

Diwali snacks were being prepared. She never said anything while I was making the dough for the murukku. THEN she said it was incorrect. I told her that this is how my mother does it and that is the only way I knew how to do it. She basically suggested my mother had no clue about cooking. So for the first time in my life I asked her to her face if that is what she was saying. She got mad and went in and started grumbling to FIL. I did something that day that I feel actually helped me. I called my DH at work and told him exactly what happened - also told him that I got angry and raised my voice.

He did not condone the act, but how it helped was that when she complained to him in the evening, he stopped her tirade by saying "yes, I know. She already told me what she said to you" This was probably the last time she said anything to my face.

So stay firm. DO NOT raise your voice if at all possible. But be sure that YOU inform your husband of any altercations before she has a chance.

indubalram · Nov 24, 2014

Dear Op! That's really very sad that you work so hard (dual role so well) in spite of your health issue. please take care of your health first! Take some muti-vitamin tablets and iron tablets. This is very important for you to manage everything. This will give you energy to withstand anything. Do this first!!

I 'm in the similar position like yours (Dh is younger) BIL is elder and my MIL expects the same.
Do not raise your voice at all control yourself. No point in complaining to your husband. He cannot do anything. Inviting your co-sis family home for dinner such things can really help. But I feel this will go on and on no end to it.

You have to understand this and do things as if that's your duty.I do this, am still doing this.