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Attitude of would be In-laws in arranged marriages

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by swan02, Nov 21, 2014.

  1. swan02

    swan02 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear All,

    I want to get your input on what our culture expects of women, and their parents. I for one have grown up very proud of our culture. I am raised in the US, but imbibed with strong Indian values. My parents didn't want me and my brother to date or have relationships until marriage, and it is something that we both learned to respect, and lived our life accordingly. I have looked forward to getting married, and making a life with another person and raising a family.

    I have had 2 experiences which have been very traumatic, and have led me to question my values, and our culture. Both times my parents fixed my marriage with boys of similar backgrounds - of Indian background, raised in the US. People who "respected" our culture and heritage.

    The first time, everything was hunky dory, the family and boy came to visit us from a different state, really liked me, and vice-versa, and the wedding was fixed. However, their attitudes changed drastically once the wedding was announced. They wanted me to behave a certain way, stop working, live with the in-laws for a year (and not the boy - he was working in a different state), learn the ways of their household, and overall, the MIL was very imposing. They were of Sikh background, and suddenly a month before the upcoming engagement and wedding, the fact that I was a Hindu was shameful to them. We called things off about 2 weeks before the engagement/wedding. I had been talking to the boy for close to a year, though I only met him on two occasions. However, he never mentioned any of these things till the very end. He was completely in agreement with his family. Not amenable to discussion - when I mentioned how his family was behaving, he thought I should agree with them. I am a physician, and he felt it was reasonable for them to ask me to give up my profession completely, that I should convert and never mention anything that had to do with the Hindu religion around him or his family.

    The second time, the boy was local, practically in our neighborhood though I never knew him. He was also training in a different state, but visited his family often. I met him twice, and we liked each other, and felt comfortable moving forward. This time around, my parents felt that it was wisest to have a short courtship period. THey felt that this was the issue the first time. Again, the people met us and said they liked me just the way I was. The boy mentioned he liked me since we were children, and could not imagine marrying anyone else. Again, as soon as the wedding was announced, their attitude changed. His mom wanted a very elaborate wedding, and every day a new "request" would come in - reception in a 5 star hotel that my family would pay for, a 21 food stall at the wedding, gifts for 52 relatives, invitations to his brother-in-law every time he was in town. Even all this was fine. Then the mom wanted me to move in with her, and move out of my apartment close to my job. I work about 2 hours away from where my parents live, and that is the best (and only) job I could get. Her demand was that I move in with her, have a joint account with the family, commute till I can find a job closer. We explained that as a physician, I have to live close to work. Commuting was not an option. Moreover, she is a nurse - this is something she is well aware of. When we showed resistance, the boy called and misbehaved with me. At one point he threatened physical violence - "I love my mom too much and she is right. Why should she have to work at her age, when we are there to care for her. If anyone hurts her, I can get barbaric with them and tear them to pieces - I want you to know this." Going forward with an engagement ceremony and wedding was out of the question. Take two - things called off.

    I know deep down that i did the right thing both times. I also know that somewhere a higher power saved me. But I still question why this happened? I can't get myself to get into a relationship with someone. Infact I am grateful that I hadn't been physical with either of these boys. Though it hurt both times, I recovered - though the first time was much worse. I had talked to the boy for a year, and felt cheated.

    Why, does our community feel that it is okay to treat a girl like a doormat? That she is suppose to be a "Luxmi" - a golden hen who lays golden eggs. And if she doesn't, she better bring in plenty of money with her. That she is made to only cater to her in-laws and make them happy. She is to have no identity of her own.

    As I go forward and meet other suitors, I can't help but think the same will happen again.
     
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  2. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    This shows people are very greedy!waitingsmiley
     
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  3. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    I hate this mentality some people have that DILs are only maids for themselves and their parents. If he is so concerned about his mom, why doesn't he help her out? Why expect some one else to do it? Seems like hypocrisy. Make sure to ask such people why they don't help their precious moms? What kind of sons are they?

    All this happens to women after they have married. It is good you got to know this beforehand.

    Next time around, try getting to know the parents too. Does the mother seem too controlling? Observe how your would be talks about his mother. Does he talk like an adult who loves his mother, or the child who is too close to her?

    When confronted with unreasonable demands, do not try to reason or make them see your point. Just say something along the lines of "I do not plan to do it". See if they are okay with it. If not, then good riddance.

    Are you searching alliances on matrimonial sites online? Just exclude profiles with the words 'traditional', 'homely', 'cultured', 'respect to elders', etc. They all mean the same - women with no identity, who will put up quietly with unreasonable demands from groom and ILs.
     
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  4. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    Have you tried to find men who are not so attached to their parents?
     
  5. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    Hugs to you dear..It is not easy to find a compatible match easily. It is good you were able to turn them down now and not later.

    Being a physician is not an easy job, and I believe you are passionate about what you do. It would be a good idea to actually spell out that you would prefer a nuclear family and would like to work at the first few meetings to avoid these mis-communications or heartbreaks after spending so much time and energy.

    I believe, Indian parents in USA are very much the same as parents in India, as they are still previous generations, and have way beyond unreasonable expectations. Given your career and the effort you have given to it, it would not be fair to make your career take a second seat. So, if I were you, I would spell these 2 expectations in the beginning and proceed only if this is acceptable.

    Cheer up ! You just have to kiss few frogs before you meet your prince Charming !

    Cheers,
    JM
     
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  6. swan02

    swan02 Silver IL'ite

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    I sit here and wonder where I am going wrong. I wonder if it just not possible to know how people really are without being in a relationship with them. At this stage, I do not want to change my approach - I am proud of how I have lived my life. I have also seen that many eligible men at this age are mostly out to have a good time, and are players. I don't want to get entrapped in this vicious cycle like many of my friends are.

    At the same time I don't know how to read people. While people show one side at the beginning, they show a different side later.

    How to read people? My mom, who I consider quite wise and experienced, mentions that if I think too much or lay expectations in beginning, I will only scare every good people away. Because life isn't always static and one has to be flexible. And to a good extent I see her point. But then, I got stuck in these situations twice. So somewhere both me, and my parents have gone terribly wrong.
     
  7. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    What rotten luck! Yes, women are treated appalling quite often and are taken for granted. I applaud you and you family for waved goodbye to these losers.

    With all due respect, here is what I've seen with my relatives who have lived in the U.S. for the last 40+ years. They've brought their children up with values which were prevalent when they left india. I see the same with Brit Asian families. The thing is India has changed a great deal; and has improved on several counts. And several values which have been passed on to the second and third generation indian-american / Brit Asians are often extremely pArochial, which explains the attitude of those MILs you escaped from. The boys are still clearly tied to their mum's apron strings and the mum isn't about to relinquish the power she has been dreaming of having over any DIL she gets. These losers will attack and pass unfavourable judgement over your values by demanding that you bend over backwards to accommodate their unreasonable demands. I'm glad you didn't succumb to either.

    What you could do is make sure you mention you will be living by yourself close to work. As long as you enjoy your job and want to stick on to it, be firm. Also please make sure you don't make blanket promises about it being your duty to support your ILs or husband. Very very often your money is taken away - if you are a "good DIL" who has been "brought up right", you ought to surrender all your money for the wellbeing of your marital family - and you are taken for granted. It is not your duty to give all your salary. Have a with any prospective groom about how you both plan to spend and save. It is extremely important that the savings and investments are in both your and your husband's names - not his parents' names, not is siblings' names. You also need to decide how much you need to save/ invest for yourselves and how you'll handle emergencies related to the extended family (which includes both sets of parents) have lots of discussions on these topics.

    Remember that many guys are prone to nodding their heads just so you get married and then show their true colours. Make sure the guy participates actively in these discussions. Even in India, I've known people having long courtship periods with prolonged discussions on sensitive topics like these; the resulting arranged marriages are certainly stronger.

    You are within your rights to discuss these things. If a guy can't handle that, he isn't the one for you. Good luck!
     
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  8. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    The ones you met unfortunately seem to be extreme cases. Not all people are like this. You did the right thing by not marrying them.

    You should let such guys know all communications they have with you are discussed with your parents, as both you and parents are involved in the process of searching for grooms. Also, get the guy's parents involved. It should not be only the guy who is contacting you. Do not divulge too many details until you know he is decent and his parents are in the loop.

    Indian husbands generally expect their wives to 'adjust' with ILs. ILs may behave as they please. The wife should have no expectations from them. But not to the extent that she is made to give up her job or deposit her salary in their account. Not every one will do this. There are nicer people out there too.

    Make up a few incidents where your friends had to suffer at the hands of ILs. Mention also how she handled it by distancing ILs or some other situations where she took steps to stop the abuse tactfully. Relate those to the guy. Mention this in passing. Make it seem like you remembered this particular incident because the two of you were discussing something, that reminded you of it. See his reaction. You will know how he really feels. He will not be able to hide his true feelings, if he is reacting to others' issues. You will know how he will react in the future, if those things happen to you.

    All the best for your search. Hope you find the right guy.
     
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  9. desichica

    desichica Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Attitude of Indian In-laws in arranged marriages

    dear OP.. hugs to you. Second family sounds like a gold-digger family. First, i have no words. How can a person ask a doctor to stop working as one. Ridiculous.

    Since you are a physician, i would recommend start looking for a man who is also a physician. You should also go with american born since indian born men simply just dont get (even if they came at young age) that living alone is not wrong. There are lot of men who probably wont demand this much except living with in-laws )it also depends on your community. Bottom line is ..I would recommend try dating a man of your profession and US born man. Being a physician is a hard profession, and lot of people don't get the work that goes in being one. When you date a guy, you need to say few things thats imp to you upfront in first couple dates. 1.You want to live alone even though you don't mind taking care of family. 2. you are not gonna stop working and explain the needs of your profession. I also didn't understand why you wouldn't look for a man yourself. Arranged marriages typically come with demands.
     
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  10. swan02

    swan02 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Attitude of Indian In-laws in arranged marriages

    Thanks for your response. I felt the same way…but somewhere have gone terribly wrong. Both times the boy was a US born doctor.

    However, both times the boys came from families where the mothers were not educated. Perhaps I went wrong in choosing families who were not educated?
     

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