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Dealing with a passive aggressive MIL?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anika987, Oct 31, 2014.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    She is somebody who can even annoy a saint!
    her talks will be like inserting a needle into a banana so smooth yet will prick.
    her eyebrows will be constantly raised in sarcasm and she will also be contradictory in everything she says.she does not criticize one directly but the subtle jabs...

    few examples..

    1) you look quite good though not as pretty as the tv or movie ladies.was that extra line necessary?

    2) I was upset when my relative spoke something Ill of my education.i felt hurt and shared it with mil.she said" do not care.she is just annoying you coz she is more educated,more talented ,prettier and more hardworking." I did not feel good?

    3) my mom used to be very fair when she was young . I generally told mil that.she was like " your mom is less color.we should always say the truth as it triumps!

    4) I want to pursue some certification.she was like" see..you cannot do it.we should know ourselves.your co sister worked very hard and she got her degree.you are having kids now.you surely cannot do it"

    5) everytime I cook something nice,she says" oh!your co sister cooks this so well.she is so passionate in cooking" if my face fell, she says " you should not feel jealous.i only complimented second dil but did not insult you.understand"

    6) whatever I do she is like " you seem like a jack of all trades but..." And stops.

    7) she always says" many people keep home so untidy .so cheap.hey..forgot to tell you.can you vacuum my room?"


    Gosh!how do you deal with her?i completely stopped talking with her still it is not the right way..wat to do?
     
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  2. Alildream

    Alildream Gold IL'ite

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    Tit for tat dear...simple!

    1) you look quite good though not as pretty as the tv or movie ladies.was that extra line necessary?
    just say that it is because the lady in the tv or movie has a much better mil so you see her glowing. Or if the character is unmarried, say she is happy that she has no nagging mil!

    2) I was upset when my relative spoke something Ill of my education.i felt hurt and shared it with mil.she said" do not care.she is just annoying you coz she is more educated,more talented ,prettier and more hardworking." I did not feel good?
    Say: yes yes I think so too...you must have faced these situations a lot, no?

    3) my mom used to be very fair when she was young . I generally told mil that.she was like " your mom is less color.we should always say the truth as it triumps!
    color does not matter...look at you...

    4) I want to pursue some certification.she was like" see..you cannot do it.we should know ourselves.your co sister worked very hard and she got her degree.you are having kids now.you surely cannot do
    tell her a story of someone who studied despite having kids and say 'yeah for some insecure women, it is difficult as they are low in self confidence' and then go ahead and complete the course!

    5) everytime I cook something nice,she says" oh!your co sister cooks this so well.she is so passionate in cooking" if my face fell, she says " you should not feel jealous.i only complimented second dil but did not insult you.understand"
    yes yes you are sooo right...co sis is soo good. She is breaking away and not cooking the same old boring dal chawal like US...WE should learn from her.

    6) whatever I do she is like " you seem like a jack of all trades but..."
    at least I SEEM like a jack of all trades...some people I know are jack of NO trade...they ONLY comment on others!

    7) she always says" many people keep home so untidy .so cheap.hey..forgot to tell you.can you vacuum my room?"
    say ok I will do it and do it in your own sweet time!

    :twisted:
     
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  3. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    i am not typing up for each individual...

    but in general


    1) no need to share about ur personal things with her...like about ur mom's skin , or ur hurt feeligns with something or someone....keep ur relationship casual but talk formal

    2) ur studies, ur hobbies etc....no need to share that too...what u plan in life is u n ur hubby decide no body else

    3) when she critcise you 'rolling eye, blank stare' is very std reply u will be suggested from any one here...as if u did not understand it... and move on

    4) Do not expect praises from her..rain never gets credits...if is late, it is an issue, if early it is an issue, if less it is an issue...if more it is an issue...same way DILs do not get any credits...so forget it. If she praises...stay unaffected and if she critisize then also stay unaffected.


    5) Randomly praise other MILs - implicitly....and see what happens
     
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  4. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    It seems you care too much for your MIL's opinion. She is your MIL, and may never behave like your mother, no matter how good you are to her. Do not expect her to care for you like a daughter.

    Do not tell her about any thing insulting or any fights with other family members, particularly DH. She is gaining pleasure by putting you down. Do not discuss your educational goals with her. She will not support you. She wants to make you feel inferior. She can not do that if you get additional qualifications.

    These manipulative MILs are dangerous. They have the art of twisting even the most insulting things they say into compliments, and deny having said any thing insulting when confronted. Whatever you do, do not try to confront her regarding this, as she will put on some drama, deny every thing, and make you look bad to DH and others.

    Either ignore her taunts, reply back along the lines of what Alildream has said, or just act like her barbs amuse you. Smile when she says these things, and pretend to only hear the compliments. Say "Thank you, MIL. You say such nice things." Since she will never own up to saying insulting things, you should act like you do not hear them, and are least bothered. She will get frustrated, and stop. :)
     
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  5. anahita5

    anahita5 Gold IL'ite

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    I am all for positive criticism, it the objective was to improve oneself. I you feel her critic is not coming from the right place, that she wants to do is bring you down, undermine your self confidence or spoil your mood the do whatever you can. First stop giving importance to anything she says. You are hurt because you expect better. Nothing better is going to come out of that mouth. Take that control away from her. Stop confiding in her, find friends and talk all you want to them. Talk with her should be limited to the weather. Whatever she says in your mind go ' whatever' and get back to your work.
     
  6. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Stop telling her what hurts you.Stop expecting praise.You are giving her chance to bully you.
     
  7. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Reshmi,

    Its high time you stop caring about what the rest of the world thinks about you, INCLUDING your MIL!

    Your post shows you are having casual chats with her far too often which is not required.
    Just be formal with her.

    Her comments on your looks should not bother you since you are not a teenager. About her comparing you with her other DIL, don't make a small face. Make sure your face lights up when she says that next time, and tell her you will surely call your co sister and ask her for her recipe.

    This will irritate her, she will realise that her tactics are failing and she will stop with this eventually.
     
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  8. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    Your MIL can write dialogue for TV serial's. She has a very creative mind and using it in a negative way.
     
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