Need Guidance !!

anushka9 · Oct 30, 2014

Hi Ladies !
This is my second post .Earlier I disussed about my issue of MIL who hates my mom.I acted as per the suggestions given by u all and it really worked for maintaining my mental peace.I have recently shifted to a new city .My MIL came to my home for so called settling down with the kitchen things.Well she dominated me in setting up my own kitchen.She wanted things to be done by her own ways.OK,I even adjusted with that to maintain peace at home.Then I returned to delhi after 2 days with her for karwachauth ,my native place and my IL's home.3 days later I returned back to my new home with my mom to set up the rest.Well she expected me to call her after reaching home,I did but she didnt pick up.Later in evening she called me in a very plain tone( little rude).Same way she talked to my mom as if she wanted to show that she is not happy that my mom went to my new home.Came Diwali I was back to delhi.My parents came to my IL's for diwali gifts.When my mom entered,I could easily see the artificial hug she was giving to my mom and for next 1 hr she didnt have a word with my mom.My mom even came into kitchen to offer help to us.She turned her back to my mom's face and said " hum log kar lenge aap jao " and then kept quite.I felt very bad .How can I respect such a lady who dont even want to see my mom.!This is making me angry.She dont even know the names of my maternal relatives,have never asked about them ever.They are settled abroad and usually brings gifts for her as well when they come to india but she never called them up to say thanks and never even mentioned in front of me but in return expects that I should treat her sister with lots of love & care who in turn is the culprit in putting things against my mom in my MIL's mind.( 99% sure !)We also purchased a new home in noida and as we were out of country we couldnot perform any puja in that house.On diwali I told my MIL that i have a thought that we should perform puja as its a new property .To this she replied " dont be superstitious..sab puja vuja ho gayi .mann se dhayan karo sab ho gaya aur vaise bhi tum kaunsa us ghar mein rahoge abhi.(as we r giving it on rent as of now).Jab khud rahoge tab dekheneg and i couldnt even utter anything after that as I am scared of her rude arguing tone.I dont feel like talking to mil and her sis.but want to make my MIL realise that she is wrong.I feel bad that Why I am so scared of her that I cant even put my opinions and view in front of her ..I have tried this a lot but that fear comes up in my mind and I just cant speak out my emotions.Pls Help

ars · Oct 30, 2014

Why do you have to speak your emotions. Act it out.
Action speaks louder than words.

indubalram · Oct 30, 2014

Whats your husbands say on this. How did the wedding go, was there any fight there itself. I hate these in MIls who make our life miserable when its no fault of ours.:bang

KashmirFlower · Oct 30, 2014

You and ur husband should go and do pooja for your new home, it will be given to rent only after u have house warming function or pooja, isn't it?

didn't u tell ur husband what ur MIL told for pooja thing? tell him and tell that u want to do pooja.

Next time onward don't discuss your plans to ur MIL, only invite them to the function/poojas.

For my new born also pandit told some poojas to be performed, but In-laws said there is nothing needed only we hhave to do a one minute ritual needed for this. who is pandit here? they talk as if they know everything.

But my hubby and myself for our satisfaction we performed poojas for our son.

ANd the highlight is the pandit gave me god photo (satyanarayana swamy photo) after the pooja, to keep in our home in US. But in-laws kept this in their home, I was asking my hubby let us take this, even before hubby answers, FIL says no need, not now. I got so angry.

Later my hubby says, in the absence of in-laws, no need to ask me, tell that we will take it. but god photo is still with them.

anushka9 · Oct 30, 2014

@ indubalram
Whats your husbands say on this. How did [COLOR=#009900 !important]the wedding[/COLOR] go, was there any fight there itself

Ours was arranged marriage with their consent.But my husband was in Us at our roka time,so as I lived in a joint family my grandparents told that ritual will be performed when my hubby would come back .To this MIL got agitated at my mom that my mom is the one who dont wants my mil's relatives to meet me or welcome them at my place.Sick lady ! think she still has that thing in her mind.My mom was only respecting her in laws decision.My MIL in intial days of my marriage used to say indirectly to me against my mom . I still remember her words " That girls are still fine but their mothers.. they teach their dd's in such a way to snatch a son from his mother and make a family with his in laws ( girl's parents)and give more importance to them and let his own parents go to hell !Wht the bullS*** was that !!

anushka9 · Oct 30, 2014

@ Kashmir Flower
This whole thing happened in front of my husband but he didnt speak much..even when we came home on diwali she said that we come to that home as guests ..just a day before diwali..She indirectly taunted my husband that he should do the cleaning of home for diwali but he arrives just a day before diwali.She always say that her home is our home and in the one we live is just a place as we r living on rent so no need to decorate it or bring much stuff ( even kitchen stuff) for our new home..Whenever i wanted to get some home decor items for my own home she always say No for it and said I should decorate delhi home as its my first home !!

anushka9 · Oct 30, 2014

Dear Ars
Thats the technique I wanna learn of acting instead of speaking because for once I spoke out and it brought mess in my life ..

indubalram · Oct 30, 2014

The best thing would be to do things that she hates the more. Keep irritating her to the full. If she says no then you take it as yes.

yellowmango · Oct 30, 2014

OP...if you want to do puja...just go and do normal puja with husband.The kind you usually do at home.,No need to tell or invite any one if they are going to raise an issue.

If she turns her back on your mother....do the same to her. Just ignore her and give her the silent treatment. If she says any thing...just say .. you are sad because your mother was treated rudely (or say you are learning from her or just keep quiet)...and then move away.

Buy whatever you want to buy for your home.Don't listen to her.The more you listen...the more power she has over you and your house hold.If she objects...tell her you are buying what you need.

Decorate your house the way you want......you can go help her decorate her house too....but why should it be only their house.

Just work on your bonding with your husband.That is most important.Involve him in buying stuff for the house and in making the decisions with you.

When she starts her talk about mothers of dils and their schemes of stealing their sons....just giggle and tell her she should write stories for TV serials......or say"yeh kahani maine kahin dekhi hai"(I have seen this story somewhere)

dsmenon · Oct 30, 2014

Do what ever you fell like doing. Why are you scared of your MIL?? you are an adult and you have to stand up for yourself. If you dont respect you no one will.

Don't try to please everyone. Do what you feel is right for you.