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Mil started her tantrums again...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by manisha036, Oct 23, 2014.

  1. manisha036

    manisha036 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi frens
    Mil and fil are visiting me in summers for a month.
    I dont share a good relation with either of them. In that month i ll be working full time so thats a plus for me, i would hv to spen a little less time with them.
    OK coming to problem... my manipulative mil. She always tries to create fights between me nd dh. She can go to any extent. Last year when my dh resisted somethings about me she showed a depression for 2 months.
    She always badmouths fil and in return gains sympathy from her sons. My dh believes that his mom faced hard times because of his dad. In front of my fil(he is also not less) she becomes very lovable and an innocent wife.
    After my wedding she applied the same on me. We visited them after 6 months. There she made me felt like a stranger. She talked with my dh in a loving voice but in front of me she changed her chirpy mode to a very very sad face.
    So my dh believed that i made his mom to behave this way. This created many problems with my dh rather say the only set of problems between us. Slowly i stopped talks with any of my ils. as a result they all ganged up against me and made my life hell. But stopping communication atleast gave me some piece of mind. I call them only when my dh asks me and he do so on festivals.
    Now my dh booked tickets for them instead of the fact that i ll be superbusy next yaer with my exams and work. My fil was very manipulative and he emotionally blackmailed dh. My dh couldnt even postponed their trip.
    Now coming back to mil, she talked me for half n hr on my bday and then around 15 mins on karvachauth. She was quite ok. But yesterday when we called them on diwali she approached me with the same sadface( she has again started her tantrums for april)............
    First my dh talked with my mil, she was very happy and told him what all sweets she made for the day, then my dh handed over the phone to me...
    Me : hello, Happy diwali mummyji
    mil: .... silence.... Haan theek hai(very low voice)
    Me: ....shocked.... How is everybody doing
    Mil: same silence: theek hi hai
    then i again tried to talk ...
    Me: how is your health..
    Mil :.... silence...
    Me: ok happy diwali once again.. ll talk later byeee
    mil disconnected
    My dh was in washroom and he was surprised why i dc the phone. I dint blamed his mom(this always makes him feel offended, i avoided fight on diwali, not sure what i said was rite or wrong) and polietly said she might be doing something and was not able to talk properly.
    An hour later my mil complainted my dh that she never got any happiness in her life, first his dad made his life difficult and now she feels depressed because of her dil's behaviour. She put some tears in her emotional drama as well.
    We both celebrated our festival nicely but this left the feeling of guilt in my dhs mind.
    Now i am afraid she will be here in next summers and will try to create the same drama. By doing this she shows everybody how bad her dil is.
    I dont care about her but i am concerned about my relationship with dh.
    Hubby is a mommas boy, can not see all this.
    In a nut shell, mil tries to show that she is very depressed because of her dil. she sugarcoats her talks but when comes to me she starts staring at walls or floor constantly for 15-20 mins. If i leave the palce, she starts behaving like a 2 yaer old kid. She dont say much but expresses in this cheap way. Dh typically falls at this. This leads to fights which she enjoys. Her work done.
    How should i behave when she visits, it will be her first time in USA.
    Ladies please share your experiences. They will be of a great value to me in dealing with such a cunning mil.
    sorry about the long post.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    So MIL acts up only when your DH is not around. Tell DH no washroom visits when your in-laws are in the U.S. :)

    Minimize your time at home when they visit. The U.S. has so many places you can go even if you are not working - the public library, the community center, Starbucks, even the local firestation often has a public room you can use. Keep as many interactions with in-laws as possible via DH. Try to keep your mood and expression pleasant as much as possible.

    Your aim is to get through their visit with your sanity intact and your relationship with DH not much impacted. It is not your aim to expose your MIL's antics or cunning nature.
     
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  3. Alildream

    Alildream Gold IL'ite

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    Hi manisha
    are you sure your mil is ok? If she really was depressed for 2 months, she may need help. Think about it from that angle and keep an eye on her. You say she spoke to you for 30 mins on your birthday...and then that conversation on Diwali...that seemed a bit strange.Just keep a look out...hopefully it IS tantrum but it may also indicate that she is a bipolar...just look out.
    whatever be the reason NEVER have a telephonic conversation with a tricky mil in the absence of your dh and even when you do, put your phone in speaker mode. He should know both sides of the conversation. Trust me this avoids a lot of potential problems and saves heartache!
     
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  4. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Do the same drama as MIL - I was so happy before marriage, but ILs made my life hell...
     
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  5. manisha036

    manisha036 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi rihanna..
    mil acts only in front of dh, bil or fil. this time she dint knew that dh is getting ready for the office.
    @ alidream: hi dear
    when i first heard about her depression i was really scared. I called up her family doc, to my surprise doc confirmed her health, doc told me that she visited her yesterday and just wanted some multivitamins and protein x.
    Let me tell you 1 more incidence: somewhere after a month of wedding: my mil called me and told me that d doc suspected a tumor in her uterus and they took some samples and that procedure was very painful for her, because of that problem she is facing heavy irregular flow and unbearable pain.
    I felt really bad, In the evening when my dh came back, i literally cried for her. I visited india after 6 months. Being a doc my dh asked my mil to show her reports to me, her reports were shocking, she had her menopause 1 year back. tumor, pain, heavy flow all were stories. I confronted and there she started her depression thing and refused that she ever said such things.
    If a person is depressed, he ignores everybody not just one. If she is laughing loudly a minute back, then all of a sudden chose to keep mum,i wont take it as her depression.
    I am not trying to expose her...honestly i will never be able to accomplish thiskneesmiley
    When she will be here, she ll definitely do the same things and i dont want my dh to put the blame on me...
    How should i behave when she stares wall continuously for 15 mins , or when she talks me with a sad face, at the same time talking happily with others just to show me down....
    I just wana manage my behaviour at such points..
     
  6. pantu

    pantu Gold IL'ite

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    Avoid your MIL as much as you can when they will be visiting . If she is staring at walls when she is talking to you compliment the wall ! Keep your walls bare and ask for
    suggestions how to decorate it. She will get the message.
     
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  7. raniraju

    raniraju New IL'ite

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    Very sad situation, I know most MILs who suffered (the type you talking about may be it’s their own fault) in life they take out the frustration on DILs, its very convenient for them, I know they act superbly we can’t imagine. Mostly they do to gain sympathy & to convey that in life they suffered a lot. Best solution is you also learn acting like her talk very sweetly in front of everyone, when no one is around spend time for yourself by ignoring her, I am giving this advice based on my own experience, because I saw that how much you will be nice to them it’s still not enough, so instead of making your life stressful, fulfill your obligations towards them and do some tit for tat, using same tactics they use on you.
     
  8. Alildream

    Alildream Gold IL'ite

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    @manisha: now I get your problem! So your mil is doing this depression drama only in front of you! Try to keep 1:1 interaction with her to a minimum. Interact with her only in the presence of other family members (preferably your dh) If you must interact with her alone, make sure you ignore her tactics completely. She us obviously doing this for attention she won't dare fake illness before others (what if they take her to a doctor and expose her?) you are easy target: she will deny she ever said anything about her illness!
    only way is probably if you secretly film her faking illness and show it to others!! ;)
    On a serious note, you can follow some strategies:
    1. Ignore her tactics, look the other way. She talks to you in a sad voice but you talk to her normally about day to day stuff. Act like you haven't noticed a change in tone or in the way she speaks to you...She will eventually realize that she is wasting her energy so she may quit this act too.
    2. You cut out conversation. You also stare at walls and give her a sad expression (beware as this can backfire: she can complain to your dh and say you are indifferent etc. so use this with caution)
    3. You start fussing over her, treat her like she is sick and be extra nice to her. She is visiting you for a short time, you can afford to do that. Be extra nice to her infront of dh and say you want her to feel special! Dh will be happy and your bond will only grow ;) hey, she started the drama, you are just carrying it forward!!
    4. You pretend to be happy no matter what...she will be irked and she will stop!

    About exposing her, don't worry dear...you don't have to lift a finger, sooner or later she will bungle up and expose herself. Remember, a person who lies has to keep lieing all the time to cover up the first lie. Eventually she has to breakdown and come out with the truth...just give it time!
     
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  9. manisha036

    manisha036 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks alidream, i got this...
    One more thing is there, suppose, if mil is happy and cheerful otherwise but suddenly becomes unhappy on seeing me, people will definitely take this as my fault.
    Thats exactly what happens. Then my dh either starts fights in front of her or show her superior or me inferior.
    I feel stressed in such moments.
     
  10. anahita5

    anahita5 Gold IL'ite

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    omg she is queen of manipulation. I would have said don't react but that will create misunderstanding with your DH, which is her goal. So in front of DH be very very nice to her. Talk to her, if she does not respond, so on and on about some random thing. Your DH should know you are very nice to her. When he is not around, let her do her thing and give a tiny animals behind.
     

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