1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Wife very rigid when it comes to relationship with my family

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by liveLetLive, Oct 23, 2014.

  1. liveLetLive

    liveLetLive Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    15
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Hi All,

    Thanks for reading.

    We are married (arranged) for more than one year now. We are a fairly happy couple in this one year who like to get out, eat out, enjoy movies together with fair amount of understanding between each other.

    We got married in India and within few weeks we moved to USA as I work here. We stayed in each other's home for a week after marriage. We got here to USA and started our life.

    From day 1 until today she never bothers about my parents and my sister. She doesn't have the basic understanding of marriage in terms of new relationships that this marriage would bring into her life. She always assumes and thinks she is an introvert and doesnt mingle with other people so easily and I have been given this same excuse all through this year (She does take time but have seen her make new friends). I had the patience to wait an year for her to take her time and accept my family. But she is at the same exact starting point where she was on day 1.


    She is least bothered whats happening to my people while she knows every minute detail that happens in her home. Seeing her neglect for my family is affecting my relationship with her and my in laws. I have explained this to her million times and have asked whats her problem? why is she not even talking to my family? and the reply I get is that the reason is that I am asking her these questions.


    I thought of remaining patient with her but this particular incident showing her stubborn and rigidness scared me. She visited India on her own for her family reasons and I couldn't make it coz of work. She is stayed for quite a few weeks in India. My parents also live in the same city. She hasn't bothered to even visit them or stay with them even a couple days in those (quite a few) weeks she was in India. My parents received her and gifted her when she arrived. She hasn't called them even once during her stay in the same city nor would wish them on any special occasions.

    My parents are really worried whether she would stay aloof like an outsider and I have explained to them to give her more time. But her recent India stay and her rigid behavior is shaking my belief system.. should I wait patiently and give her more time or she is just going give out lame excuses and buy more time but would continue neglecting my family?


    To mention she has the strong backing of her own family and they support her in every action she does right or wrong - they would JUST simply justify her and she is heavily influenced by her mother.

    Need you opinion on how to further treat this issue. Should I wait patiently or talk to her (already done many times) or any other suggestions.



    Thank you.
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2014
    Loading...

  2. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    377
    Likes Received:
    761
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    Is your wife really young..like below 25.

    See, when you remove a girl out of her comfort zone like her home, she does go through depression. This can be of varying degree. She moved from India to USA for you. She must be feeling lost and missing her family. Stop nagging her and give her some space. The more u talk about this the more she would not want to entertain the idea.

    I have a question for you, say you are going on a trip to India without her, will you spend couple of days at her place without her? wonder what your parents will say about that. Reality check.
     
    sindmani, Newbee1, eshu09 and 5 others like this.
  3. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,548
    Likes Received:
    3,582
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I'll also ask the same question as Jazmine - would you call your inlaws if you're in the same city? would you go to their home for a meal?

    Since she doesnt do anything on her own accord, you could help her here!

    Talk to her about stuff that your parents are made of - let her get familiar from your talks - dont compare - dont say my mom makes wonderful coffee just when she makes you her version of coffee - but sneak in insignificant conversations - tell her about your mom's views and interests and small incidents of your childhood with your parents and siblings.

    Let her know them through you! Without comparisons and sounding "my mom's so great you should worship her"

    Tell her what you expect - say she went to India - did you sit down with her and plan day(s) when your wife visits your family? Did you go shopping with her for gifts etc to send to your place ?

    Did you ever tell her that one of her dishes is so good that her family would love it - please make it for my mom when you're there?

    Is there any particular work she is good at - tell her my mom needs your help for this and you're good at it, could you spend a couple of days at mom's place and complete the work ? Some wedding coming up, mom wants to buy a saree, could you go shopping with her - buy one for yourself also - you're good at telling what she could wear!!! Could you suggest some gift for the new couple? Any small work would do - she would feel needed and would definitely make an effort !!!

    Maybe she feels like an outsider while at your parents! And doesnt know what to do or what to talk - giving her topics for conversation would help?

    You could ask your parents to call you/her weekly and get a conversation going! Keep phone on speaker so that she can hear them talk to you and know and understand them before pitching in to conversations!

    Tell your parents to talk to her specifically about what she know well - NOT about what she cooked today and when she is going to make them grandparents and how she spent the money that their son earns - but stuff like - do you know the best college in your field - someone needs admission and are asking for advice - specific stuff that she knows answers to and interested in!!!

    My mom bonded with my brother's wife at the beginning because they're both interested in hindi film music and singers - so they used to crazily watch Saregama and Indian Idol, saregama kids and young champions and my mom used to ask SIL to download the same singer's song on Youtube and listen again :) They could spend hours discussing them and listened to all the repeats too!!

    My husband bonds with my brother's wife over cell phones - latest in market, latest features etc... I bond with my husband's brother about Seva - Service and Charity and Attitudes and Books!

    I bonded with my FIL because he was interested in reading healthy recipes and I would love trying them out for him :) And he used to announce and appreciate my trials to one and all ! And we shared a common love for shopping for junk jewellery especially at exhibitions ! And I took care of his health and he appreciated that to his son every day :)

    In the beginning I bonded with my DH's sister when she brought a frozen milk packet to keep on my head when I was suffering from an unbearable headache :) (It worked) and we furthered our relationship because her daughter suffered some problems that I could offer solutions to !

    Once we get comfortable with each other, silences dont make you feel like running away or escaping :) even silences can make you feel secure and happy - just to be with each other and be a family !!!

    Everyone loves to feel needed and appreciated - so you could identify your wife's interests and get her involved in your family instead of TELLING her to start talking to them!
     
  4. pinky6

    pinky6 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,433
    Likes Received:
    1,079
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    How is your relationship with your inlaws? Are you treating your inlaws the same way you want your wife to treat your parents?
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. liveLetLive

    liveLetLive Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    15
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Thank you hrastro, I could pick a lot of things from your response. I need to figure out some common interest between the two people. Thank you once again.
     
    3 people like this.
  6. liveLetLive

    liveLetLive Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    15
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    @Jasmine
    I completely understand she was removed from her comfort zone for the sake we married and moved to a different country. I have taken a very good care of her to the best of my abilities and she herself has mentioned this to me a few times. I may not stay at her place without her but will definitely visit them, give them the gifts which their daughter and myself bought for them and invest sometime with them. I have no problems doing that and I will do that.
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2014
    1 person likes this.
  7. liveLetLive

    liveLetLive Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    13
    Likes Received:
    15
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    @pinky6
    Honest No. Not treating her parents to the level I would like her to treat mine. But I certainly communicate with them.
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2014
    4 people like this.
  8. FromMars

    FromMars Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    559
    Likes Received:
    747
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Male
    The male point of view here. You haven't mentioned any other drawbacks about her as a wife. Your drawbacks are based on her being an introvert and her needing to be with your family in your absence and her communication with your family through phone.

    I don't think you have anything to worry about. I think she being introverted and the inlaws place being a highly senitive area, are what you are seeing.

    When you are there along with your parents and wife would be a good time for her to bond with them, with your help and support.

    Rest easy and ease the mind of your parents and always support your wife in front of outsiders including your parents.

    Have a good life.
     
    8 people like this.
  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,139
    Likes Received:
    3,938
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    op,
    You can try the things which have been suggested. It really depends on the individual situation. But it can go either way. I mean I feel you may succeed if you do these, on the other hand you may not succeed even if you do them. Why not succeed? -- I have quoted the reason above. These 2 reasons, if really true, do not bode well for your marriage.

    I am seeing more ppl like this nowadays. These young girls are v. smart, pretty, well educated and they are living out their mother's insecurities. Some thing, some bad situation which the mother experienced in her marriage and as a result she will strongly lecture her daughter 'no matter what, dont do the mistake I did' and that advice just gets imprinted in the daughter's head. Then whether that reason is applicable to the daughter's present marital situation or not, the daughter will dutifully follow that advice in her marital home to the detriment of her own marriage. There is some kind of fear or insecurity at the root of it all, I think. Simply put, if your wife is indeed under her mom's influence then basically you and your family are paying for whatever mistakes or injustices her Dad and her grandmother did to her mother in her mother's marital life.

    It breaks down into 2 kinds of Indian families. One kind marry off the girl and tell her now your husband's home is your home, our duty to you is done, dont come back, make sure we get good name. Those girls are more adjusting type, I have noticed --maybe becos they have no other option? The other kind is this kind, where the natal family unit is very strong, maybe MIL is dominating type. Ppl change or adjust themselves only when there is no option other than to change or adjust. If instead they have a ready escape hatch they will use that and avoid the need to change.

    Anyway, I am rambling no real advice for you.
     
    6 people like this.
  10. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    763
    Likes Received:
    1,276
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Under the current circumstances it is best not to let her visit your place without you. If she does that, I can see more complaints from your parents/sister about her which will compound your issues and then MIL-DIL problems will start big time.

    Does she expect you to call/keep in touch with her family? If not, back off from that and give her some time too.
     
    3 people like this.

Share This Page