Please Help me deal with my sister in law

Why would you like to have your MIL to take care of your child if she is reluctant? I would then prefer a nanny/my own parents or some other trusted person. You live your life and your SIL her life. Do not get involved and let her be.

 

There are going to be many more responses to this - and certainly people with more ideas (better ideas).

But for me the first thing that stood out was that you are sacrificing your son. Bring your son home immediately. You do not need your MIL to take care of him. Bring him to your place, and find a good day care center. Isn't it better to at least see your baby daily, even if you are unhappy about leaving your child in a daycare?

As for dealing with your SIL - this will be the first step. Will show them that you are not dependent on anybody to take care of your life.

Wish you the best

 

First thing that stood out was that you really dislike your SIL. So maybe you should just take a step back and actually talk to her and see what her real problem is. Everyone makes mistakes - maybe she is dealing with difficult in-laws or her husband is not supportive enough. Maybe the fact that she got pregnant before marriage really haunts her. Maybe.

Your MIL has no obligation to look after your kid. Its her will and wish. If she wants to take care of her own daughter's kids, I dont think that it is right for you to say "she has no problems taking care of SILs kid, why cant she take care of mine?". Your kid is YOUR responsibility. PERIOD.

Again - I second DKIs suggestion to leave the kid in a day care. It is much better than being far away and not being able to meet him daily. You may find it very difficult in the beginning , but alteast you do not have to thrust your poor little baby on someone who is reluctant to look after your kid.

 

Solve your problems 1st and then try solving SIL's problems Next.

Next time SIL comes home leaving her husband dont try to patch them. Let her stay as long as she wants. when you stop interfering and making her important then she will stop doing all the drama.

SIL is not your responsibility. Your Son is your Responsibility.

Don't try to leave him with your MIL if she doesn't want to take care of him. He is not her responsibility. He is yours & DH's responsibility.

 

Exactly.. Please bring your son to your place.

 

There are many questions that pop into my mind

1. Is your SIL really in an abusive marriage?
2. If yes, think about whether you are trying to push her into situation that is unhealthy and unsafe for both herself and her 2 kids.
3. Your SIL needs to seek professional help to sort out her issues - neither you nor your hubby nor your MIL are qualified enough to deal with her situation
4. She needs to see a qualified marriage counselor to help her sort out her situation - why don't you do some research online and find a good one and refer to her / your DH and MIL next time?
5. If her husband is not willing to see a counselor, then ask her to go for individual counselling, this will help her think straight about her situation and make an informed decision. It's not healthy for her children to be moved around like a pawn in a chess board.

Next,

Is your SIL working and financially independent? This is a big defining question which will determine whether or not she can get a divorce - if she decides to go with it.

Question for you:

Are you afraid of hosting her because she and her 2 kids will become a financial burden on you and FIL?

If she is not financially independent, show her the way - maybe she'll be interested in some course that can improve her skills? She needs a distraction from her husband - she needs to find new purpose in life. When she has a new purpose, she will be able to think clearly and make more sensible decisions.

If it is social stigma that is the hook for your SIL to keep going back to her husband, then assure her that you will help to be independent and offer help until she stabilizes. She needs help until she can come out of this crisis - and as family, you are obliged to provide that support.

 

Dear op,

Your sons place is near you, nobody has the right to say otherwise.But its not wise to give the responsibility of looking after the kid to somebody who wanted nothing to do with the baby.You could arrange a maid to look after the child under your MILs supervision.You could also leave the baby in a day care near your work place where you could check the kid in between.

Bringing the child not only gives you joy,it also makes your hubby feel more responsible towards you&kid.

If your MIL shows any frustration to you ignore it or show your frustration saying its her daughter who choose her man ,so she should take responsibility.Tell her that you had done the maximum you could now its upto her to live her life.

Your baby could relieve a lot of tension and dilute the situation.It could send a clear signal that you have better things in life to worry than worry about your impulsive SIL. Its time you put a stop to the top priority given to your SILs problem in your home.

BEST WISHES

 

Aside from others advice on taking care of your son yourself & not forcing MIL to take care of it. I must add

why are you always going to patch up your sis in laws marriage? Why isn't you mother in law & husband going? You are her bhabi, I don't think you are much older than your sis in law. WHy are you getting involved in it?

I have a friend who sis in law is always breaking up her marriage. The brother always goes to patch things up. But my friend NEVER gets involved in her husbands family drama. Its your husband sibling, let them figure it out

 

I did not go through all the responses here. But definitely I felt sharing my POV as somehow I could relate to your case.

I am sure you must have analyzed about the day care option (financial wise, hygienic and their care system) in your area before sending your tiny kid to your parents's place. Because it is a must for any mother to be with her kid (and vis-a-vis), so obviously they won't give up that easily.

Day cares are not the same everywhere. If I were in the US or even in my native city here, I would have send my kids to day cares blindly. But it is not the case elsewhere. In some cities, sending kids to day care due to in laws/or any problems equates to jumping to the fire from the frying pan. No difference!

Do not expect your MIL to be equally passionate to your kid the way she does for your SILs. Do not forget the fact that your SIL is her DD.

My mom takes extensive care of my kids at the age of 65 yrs, whereas my MIL can't even stand with them more than an hr. But she is only 55 yrs-healthier than mom.
Similarly, my SIL is pregnant and would want my mom's assistance soon. I am quite sure that my mom won't be going out-of-her limits to babysit my SIL's kid the way she willingly does with mine. This is how moms are. They too are human beings, not Gods.

Since I know my MIL can't babysit my kids, and she won't love the fact that she has to spare her routines for the kids... I won't leave my kids with her at any cost. It is like forcing someone to babysit your kid. It will only harm the child. In particular, if she is favoring one child over the other, the unfortunate child will definitely affected psychologically. Please re-consider.

If your MIL can't babysit... Don't easily give up your kid. Just move to your parents' house with your H and start a living.
May be you both can commute to work (if the distance is managable)

If your H couldn't come out of his parents' nest... Explain to him, how cruel it is to expect a tiny baby to do the same?

Convince him that you leave your in laws' house only temporarily to be with your kid. As it is more important to you right now.

Make a move out plan, and eventually find your own nest somewhere else. Let SIL handle her problems may be with her parents' support. Only extend your support when you can.
May be your H can keep on supporting her throughout. But not at the cost of separating a mom and child.

Be strong, and move in with your child.