Dilemma

If your husband doesn't interfere then give it back to your fil.Tell him...it is his nasty behavior than no one wants to stay with him...

Tell your husband that if he is ever planning to stay with fil...then he is to be his caretaker as you will not take care of someone who continues to abuse till the last day on earth like your mil.Tell him you have done it once...now he can take over.That should scare him into never going back to India. He just wants to outsource his share of seva to you in return for abuse and nastiness.

Next time the old man is nasty...just move away and refuse to do work for him.Refuse to cook...just order from outside.

 

It looks like you don't have much influence over moving back or staying abroad.

So, sit your FIL down and have a straight talk. Make the following points.

1. Highlight 4-5 key topics which he usually uses to assault you - back up with examples - say - this is the topic - this is the incident - this is how I felt - Not fair. Tell him that you are not asking for opinion or explanation - but simply telling this is how you feel at this point in time.

2. Next, tell him, you are ready to cook and care for him under following conditions going forward

a. No abuse
b. No name-calling
c. No demands
d. Mutual respect
e. Politeness

Give example for each of these 5 areas where he has hurt you in the past. Tell him this cannot work going forward.


3. Outline list of duties you agree to do for him.

Example:

1. 3 meals a day - 2 coffees a day - between 8-9 am ; 12-1 pm ; 8-9pm etc.
2. Laundry of clothes
3. Buying medicines

etc. I am just giving example.

Make it very clear at the outset - what will be your regular duties and what he has to do himself.

4. Tell him your expection

Examples:
a. I expect you to wash your plate after every meal
b. I expect you to buy milk every day
c. I expect you to fold your own clothes and make your own bed
d. I expect you to fold the newspaper after reading it
e. I expect you to answer the door for the maid every day

However small or big, tell him what your expectations are.

4. Be compassionate and flexible and expect same:

Tell him that though you've outlined these tasks, it's not like he cannot ask you anything else. Tell him, anything he needs, if 'requested politely' will be made available to him. Tell him, the same is expected of him.

5. Define consequences: This seems to be a big problem area for you. At the outset, make it clear, what the consequences of breaking your mutual respect code will be.

a. If you order me around, I will tell you that this is unacceptable - you have the option of reasoning with me and we can try to solve amicably - but, if you continue doing it, I will stop things I do for you.

Example:

a. If you yell at me, order me around, say bad things about me or my family, be rude etc. I will cook and keep in kitchen - you have to serve yourself, no coffee will be made available - milk and coffee powder in kitchen, you can make it yourself. Your clothes will be laundered, but you will have to dry it yourself.

The key is - still do your duty, but show your displeasure by making life less convenient for him.

If he doesn't mind the inconvenience, completely stop.


Refuse to move in together if he cannot agree to a mutual-respect agreement.

 

Dear op,
You need to think why are they treating you this way. Need to know the root cause. I think you should abandon them reason being they have are your dh's father.

 

OP, You dont have to take the **** that your fil is throwing at you. Tell him outright what he is doing is wrong and you cannot tolerate it.

Donot give ears to his taunts or demands. Do whatever you feel like doing. If you are not well then don't cook. You have to make sure you stay happy and healthy. Your MIL, FIL or your Husband is not going to do that for you.

Take Care,

DS.

 

Tell your co-sis to send him food in tiffin box everyday.

 

OP,

This abuse is the reward of all the compromises and adjustments you have made to be a good DIL. Since your husband does not stand up for you, the onus is on you.

Don't be so good that FIL takes advantage of you. Tell FIL you will not tolerate abuse in your own home. If he doesn't like your cooking, why doesn't he cook himself? Whenever he finds fault with something you do, just tell him that is how you do it in your home. No other explanations.

Get FIL caretakers there. Ask him to change the cook. There are many decent cooks available. Tell him flatly that as much as you would like to care for him, you are not a cook.

Ask FIL directly why he is not staying with his other son's family back in India. Tell him it is more convenient, since that son is already in India. That will make him keep quiet regarding you moving back to India.

Whatever you do, do not move in with your FIL, as the situation will not improve.
If you must, then discuss with your husband the option of the two of you staying in a different house. Make it clear to your husband that you can not tolerate any more ill-treatment in your own house.

 

Sitting down and having a long discussion about the past, will be counterproductive imo. Deal this in the present. Start talking back to FIL. Whenever he misbehaves, there and then counter him, ask him for an explanation. Levy consequences if he treats you badly. See how that goes. You need to have a 'I have nothing left to lose, I already let go so many things' attitude. The squeaky wheel gets all the attention and the grease, not the silent one, which works no matter how much you misuse it.

Btw, you picked pokemon as username, does your 9 yr old do a lot of it? It could be his coping mechanism to escape the daily unpleasantness he sees at home and is unable to fix.