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want to move on and forgive mil but how?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by kenny, Oct 17, 2014.

  1. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    hi Ladies,
    hope all ov u are doing good...As u all know since beginning my Mil has never been good to me...always been a saddist...v sarcastic to me and overpossessive and clingy to her son since she is a single mom and never given any space...
    somehow with time i have learnt to live with it...but i have so much of hatred for her that the moment i see her i get negative vibes.infact i have developed a v rare disease all because of the stress she gave me...the doc himsef told me that.
    i want to let go of the emotional baggage i have..so that i am at peace but somehow i cant....
    she still after 6 yrs of marriage bosses around to me n to her son ofcourse..and would always pass snide remarks behind my back which i hate...she is still sarcastic to me...i dont care and give her back but i dont feel like even looking at her face.
    i want to know how to be free of this hatred because somewhere that is affecting my health.
    i have seen she is a shrewd lady and is like this to every one...not just me...example her 80 yr old mom because of some reason had to shift with us coz of old age...infact her mom is v nice to me and sides me...but has no say infront of her daughter...now she is going thru same and she(my mils mom )cries infront of me that her daughter speaks v badly to her...i feel v sad for the old lady and dont want her to suffer the same way...but she keeps shouting at her for even small things...
    so i have seen that a person who is not good to her own mom,how can she be good to her dil.and i have undrstood her well..
    but how do i let go of all that she had done for me...i read every where that we should be positive and leave the hatred behind,but i need help in doing that.
    can u guys guide.
    thanks in advance.
     
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  2. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    This is what I do. Whenever I start thinking of the bad points about MIL - I consciously switch to a positive thought , like the first time I saw my daughter as soon as she was born, or when my mother almost cried when i gifted her a mobile phone or anything good. College times/ friends.
    Another thing is distract yourself - immediately go and read a book, watch a youtube clip of a favorite movie or pick up the phone and call a friend.
    You have to understand that this is harming you more than her..So for your sake, try to get distracted whenever you have these horrible feelings.
     
  3. raniraju

    raniraju New IL'ite

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    Hi I can understand the problem you going thru, and you are not alone I am also one of the the person who is going thru the things you talked. but the difference is I am facing the problem thru 3 corners MIL,FIL & u will not believe my own MOM and so you can naturally guess its ongoing process for me, I am married for 13 yrs, faced the depression alone, lot of health probs due to stress, but finally I am making peace by ignoring their attitudes & this wisdom came from my 7 yr old son who gave me advice one day I was crying by saying "why u take them seriously they dont understand how to talk so u shld ignore them dont take them seriously, thats what I do when in school some kids bully me, & teacher also dont pay attention to my complaint". And you know what its working. I am focusing my mind to other things, I complete all my responsibilities towards them to my best & i give rest of time for myself. You should do the same IGNORE.
     
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  4. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    If it is affecting you that much try to convince your husband for separate living.Distance makes thing tolerable.
     
  5. eshu09

    eshu09 New IL'ite

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    yes...i do have the same with FIL who always spread bad rumours abt me in the apt...i cried and shouted at my husband.....but for no use..none can stop him..but i left him...and prayed god and left to him....diverted myself (puja, house work) and i not having kids is making me difficult to pass on the time and divert from these.
    take ur kids as advantage and keep on trying to divert urself frm her by building urself at wht best u can giv thm (fud, games etc.).
     
  6. Alildream

    Alildream Gold IL'ite

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    Feel sorry for you...
    why don't you hire a full time maid to help around the house? Take care of your health dear...that is more important! Don't let your mil spoil your health and mental peace! Why don't you take a vacation with your dh? Go to a nice resort and just let your hair down and relax? If that is not possible, u can go to your parents' house for sometime... Take a break! You will feel better after a change...
    other than that, schedule some 'me' time everyday. Do something u like everyday even if it is for half an hour...anything u like! It can be a new hobby, stroll in the park, shopping, eating out, anything!! It is difficult staying with mil and u are staying with mil AND her mother!! That has to be stressful...take care!
     
  7. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op,

    Why do you bother about her behavior as she seems to be a very bitter person behaving the same to all.She doesnt seem to be a happy person .The tough life situations she had to go through could have hardened her like this.

    And some people are always dominant in nature.The more we get worried about them the more they will try to dominate us.So just keep your cool and stop bothering about her reactions.Even if she shouts just ignore her or act "okay i just dont care".The minute you stop giving imp to her behavior she loses the ability to affect you.
     
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  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    You can't forgive till the abuse stops.You can't forgive when someone is continuing to throw stones at you.The best you can do is duck and survive.

    Don't try to be a saint and think about big things like forgiving when you are barely surviving. Try to make your life better.....put your energy into yourself than putting it into forgiving abuser.
     
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  9. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    A person shout at you if they feel you would do whatever they wanted the minute they start shouting .Stop reacting, reply to them calmly and treat them like a bad tempered kid.And most of them wont know how to react to the neutral behavior.But for that you should be totally free from reaction.If her shouting is even affecting you a little she will know it.Dominating characters specialize in tracing even minute aftereffects of thier behavior.Go to a yoga class if you feel stressed.
     
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  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    You can't forgive anyone until they ask for forgiveness, and show you some promising changes. That too takes time, as you may have to re-gain all the lost trust and start building everything from zero. After a tough transition only, you can slowly show some affection with lot of precautions. Seems like a damage control only.

    When the other party is purely apologetic, and nothing significant has happened since they announced their changing... then only you can actually leave your hatred and move on peacefully. Even then, you will still be vigilant and have a hard time in completely trusting them. But those are minor issues.

    Bottom line is, your MIL has to change, seek for forgiveness and show you some promising love. Else, how can you stop your hatred and trust someone who continues to abuse you. Better move far away from them, protect your live from their hands, and is possible ignore them.
     
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