Fil - A Death Trap ------pls Help

Dear Friends.........

We ( me , DH & Kid) recently moved in to a joint family consisting my MIL, &FIL. My hubby is the only son both his sisters live in a different country. my FIL is making our life a hell. i do understand that that we are bound to give & take repect from elders and i do that without any hesistant but still when it comes to our privacy..........its stand a ????????

let me explain in detail. my FIL had not stayed with his family.at all it was my MIL who had took all the responsiblities in raising the kids. she is a basic person and can understand me to some extent. being married for 5 years i have not even uttered any thing bad against them. my FIL takes all the liberty in teasing me, my family members and all my regular house chores .

1. wakes us up early morning at about 4.30 am knocking our bedroom
2. Pulls up my 3 year old daughter from sleep early hours / just swich off's the fan meaning to save electricity.
3. picks up all the ingredients for cooking that too in a very small quantity
4. argues and shouts at me for each & everything i do . uses very harsh words .
5. never allow me to use any of the lights installed stating save elctricity.
save fuel, save water, save this .............that.............
6. iam employed and hardly find time to spend with my kid when we take some time in our room, argues for some reason and pulls my daughter with him
7. never allows us to buy anything from outside
8. Even if i reach home late and tell him that iam tired, requires me to prepare a sumptuous meal .

there are many to add in the list.................

he is a miser and i knew that , but did not expect this much from him.my DH too know the condition and asks me to buy something and eat inside my room, all thsese years he too doent had any situation staying with his father .he can understand me and asked me to wait for some more time and conveyed that we could expect some change after my MIL back home.. she is off to my SIL place for 2 months.

should i wait for my MIL to return or should i change my place of living . i do not want to break the relationship as my DH loves his MOM very much. all i want is peace of life. Even though this many is happening at home i do not reply or argue with FIL.

sorry for the long post.......friends help me to ease the situation.......

Ramya

hi Ramya...

i read ur post and really felt so sad for you.. of course he is making ur family life hell.... i know such person neither they like to live in peace nor they let others to live in peace always creating some scene. He knocks bedroom dont reply if he continues then tell u will get ur work done in time so u will wake up at ur time, as you are a working women too u can say need much rest along with house work. For your daughter you have to be responsible her sleep must complete. As i think it is matter of two months only if possible bear it and try all possible. Once you speak out he will be more aggressive. You can tell your MIL if you think she is aware if his such behavior. Two months will fly away. Dont get tensed, for cooking you cook what you can cook basically everyone cooks sambhar rice and curry what else he wants yoghurt pickle is there. I think you do everything correct on your side and if he shows too much just neglect. This is like responsibility so bear with this. When your MIL comes you can change your place of living. It will not be good anyways tpo leave him alone when your MIL is not there. Your MIL will also get worried and cant enjoy her time with daughters. Dont leave house now but ask your MIL if you think she understands this situation.

Hi Ramya,
Reading your post there is some one else also who behaves exactly like my fil... Wow similar qualities i must say ditto ;) Our's joint family and we are away abroad my bil and his family have got into this trap. One thing at our home is my fil is very scared of my husband and he wouldn't utter word more if he advices some thing. My mil is dosile person and just keeps quiet. He doesnt allow her to meet her relatives and no one comes home. But these guys tell him they are going out and go meet family and just do things normally without him knowing. If he comes to know it's hell.. When u said bout knocking your bedroom i have also gone thru similar situations..sighs! My mil and rest just ignore this man saying his screw is bit loose. Try to keep your kid away at mom's that what my cos sis does.. She brings him back when she comes back from work. My husband respects his dad but doesn't tolerate irrational behaviour.. just tells directly or indirectly what he is doing is not right. Your husband has to rise up talk it over. I can imagine your plight. Tell him to be firm and talk to your mil too. I think she coming back will easen up situation if she is one who can control him. Do take care of yourself and your kid.
Good Luck!

Dear rs18,

Its sad that you have to take such behaviour from ur fil. he is not justified in ruling ur life like this.
Since ur mil is not around and ur hubby at least seems to understand ur plight, please dont leave the house at this moment.
It will be wise to wait for mil's return. At the same time you should not blindly keep taking the abuse. Show ur resentment in subtle ways. Ignore the old man as much as possible..let ur hubby deal with him meanwhile. Also, you and your ur hubby should talk to mil on phone at least n let her know without raising ur voice what all is happening in the house. You should convey to her that you both are waiting for her return so that the next step could be decided as you are finding it impossible to deal with fil . Once she returns she could be involved in the the situation. If she understands your point then may be she could control fil's nasty behaviour to some extend. If she stays at home then you could hire maid help which she could supervise in ur absense that way you dont have to churn up big meals after a days hard work on fil's demands. Can it not be clearly conveyed to fil that its not ok to knock on the door at 4:30 in the morning ? ur hubby can talk to him n such patterns can be stopped at least.
My fil used to angrily bang our bedroom door too till my hubby told him that we will not follow his sleeping timetable , fil got irritated but stopped it though he sat with swollen face.
you can take ur daughter to park etc n spend time with her there. You dont have to explain all this to fil. U r earning so if u need anything just go out n buy it, let him analyse , comment or shout. he will stop in due time when he realizes that he has no control over ur purchase.
Hope for the best dear. As u said ur hubby loves his mother then convey this all to mil n involve her in the decision making. Perhaps a little change here n there by the rest three of you will improve the situation .

Regards,
Riya

Dear Padma, Rani & Riya,

Thanks a ton for those comforting words, all you all have mentioned iam awaiting my MIL return . though she is not the deciding authority she may help a minimal control
over him . as of now iam just ignoring his activities which he does not bother at all. he had been so rude to his wife also i have heard stories described by my MIL........poor lady i pity her now............

Being able to understand the situation i can try to act accordingly but my little one is too early for this she is happy in her room.......and likes to watch TV sleep and eat and iam really taken back when i see her been stopped for all such small pleasures.

Even yesterday my DH got bought dinner without his father's knowledge . but till when i can go on like this....hope MIL comes soooooooonnnnnn .......

Pray for me my friends, for my little one too.....

Ramya

Dear Ramya,

Ofcourse you and your little girl are in my prayers. You have been showing lots of patience in not fighting with fil even after being troubled by him in strange ways... gather ur courage to carry on with a little more patience till ur mil comes back.

If a person is not stopped the first time he bully others, he thinks that his actions are ok and fine. With time it becomes a habit and second nature for them to verbally absue others and make unreasonable demands. sorry to hear abt ur mil too as u said fil has been bad with her too.
But what has been happening in past need not continue in future . Sooner or later somewhere we have to draw a line n convey that such behaviour is no longer acceptable.
Hope it gets resolved

Regards,
Riya

Ramya


First of all, toughen up! Patience and soft spoken self will not help you. Assertiveness and diplomacy will. So next time your FIL knocks, dont open, dont repsond, dont do anything.. Just Ignore!!! You get up whatever time u want to get up. And you really need to tell this gentleman nicely to mind his own life.

There are ways we can set this without fighting, shouting and rudeness. Next time he gives out stuff to cook, tell him, its your house also. You will take as you need it. Tell this very softly and FIRMLY. I think your husband is a meek son, who didnot straighten the situation himself. For an adult son with wife and kids, its too much to bear. We need to correct if people in our life go wrong. And there is nothing wrong in straightening it, because if you guys run away, they will be at loss too. Ideally I would suggest your husband to sit with father and talk openly. What is that he wants. If your husband is not that assertive , you could be part of discussion too.

Its your life and you both need to take action to improve it. Sometime, bending over back to accomodate others leaves us with sprained back for life. So stand up folks, there is nothing wrong in standing up for yourself. If yous husband is not that kinds, you need to take the baton of straightening it. You may be called bad DIL , but what good it is to be good DIL living such msierable life. Its better to be a bad DIL with such difficult people.

Ria

Dear Ramya,

I am sorry to hear about your situation...My feeling is that your FIL will never change his behavior if you meekly bow your head down and let him boss you around.

Since your FIL's behavior is troubling you and your family so much (and believe me, anybody would be upset by what he is doing)...I tend to side with Ria on this...You need to put a stop to his obnoxious behavior pronto. Young or old, bad behavior is bad behavior.

It would be best if your husband stood up to his dad and told him that he needs to step back a little bit and stop trying to control everybody around him.

If he doesn't have the guts to do it, then you go ahead and do what Ria suggested. Do not open the door in the morning. If he keeps on knocking, then open the door and tell him that you will sleep some more and come out later...then close the door.

If you want to eat from outside, why should you hide such a thing. Its not a crime! If I were you, I would go ahead and do what I want openly. If FIL says anything, then VERY FIRMLY tell him that you are doing it because you and your hubby want to. If he tries to give a lecture/take you on a guilt trip, just laugh and tell him that things are changing in this world and so should he.

You need to speak up. Keeping quiet is not fair to yourself or your daughter. Why should she suffer for no fault of hers.

About your MIL - I am quite skeptical about whether her return is going to change anything in your household. The way you have described the dynamics in your in laws house, I really don't think that her coming back is going to improve/change anything.

You or your husband need to bell this cat yourself. No need to keep waiting and suffering for 2 months.

Oh and about cooking in the night - your hubby really needs to step up on this. He should tell his father that you are tired and he should eat what the maid has prepared. And if you are forced to do some cooking, then he can jolly well help you in the kitchen. You guys are married for nearly half a decade...he can't throw you to the wolves and then tell you to just hang in there...

I hope your situation improves soon...

love,
Aarushi

hi ramya,
i understand your problem....i wholeheartedly stand for each and every word said by our friend ria here...toughening up is the only solution...nobody is born here to suffer from other people's unwanted intrusion into our personal life....
i'll surely keep you and your little one in my prayers....
all the best!

Dear Ria & Aarushi,

Thanks for peeping in . iam really very upset and as Aarushi mentioned even my MIL presence is not going to make any difference. He shouted even yesterday for simple petty reason. Even the morning incidents had made my hubby irritated. He is so soft spoken and does not want to raise his voice against his dad but promised to do his best for us . Cooking is not an issue with me as i can manage myself FIL gets readily involved in cutting the vegetables taht too ina very small quantity which wouldn't be much sufficient to all of us .

Ria, i had already conveyed that i need some time to get adapted to the family patterns as i've not been in such a place before. My Dh had also made a request to his father asking him not to trouble me . even my MIL calls him every alternate days and tells the same. but everything falls in deaf ears....

Iam just going to wait for 2 more months once my MIL is back i shall explain my agony and even if she cannot help it clear off i shall look for another home ........The major issue is i lost both my parents and have none to speak for me ....though my husband does , my FIL never bothers to listen .

Ria & Aarushi ........Thanks again for rending such deep advises to act on.

Ramya