My exams; ils visit; dhs cousins wedding at 1 time... how to manage

manisha036 · Oct 1, 2014

Hello all
Today morning my mil told my dh about the wedding of dhs cousin sisters. Wedding is on 1st feb. Now my dh wants both of us to go together. Ils wants to come with us after the wedding. MIL also said that the date is tentative (which is not for sure) and they can change it according to me... a very political approach.
OK First issue: i have an important exam on 5th february(my ils know this ). If i clear i can apply for jobs or post grad.This is an initial and most important step. the exam is "very hard" to crack. I am studying with dedication and i am hopeful too.
For this reason, I dont want to go for weddings-(2 sisters 2 marriages- on same date) sisters are distant relatives. So i clearly told my dh that i wont be able to attend weddings because of the exam.
But he will go as he can not say no to his mom.
Here my concern is -- I have never stayed alone after my wedding. I am not sure how i m gonna manage in those days. Also i will need emotional support and help.
Second thing: My ils wants to visit us in that particular month:drowning. If i clear my exam(5th feb), i will have to give clinical exams which are most likely to be scheduled in the months of june , july. For those practical exams,i will need training(3 months) and peace of mind too. Ils are very desperate to come here. so there is no way i can postpone their trip.
Here i want to tell you about my ils and their relationship with me.
My mil(most insecure, jealous and influential lady who presents herself as a bechari mom) knows about my education and she opposes it indirectly. None of the females from my dhs side are working, i am the first one to b working. So another set of issuesshakehead
Ils have already tagged me as a home breaker. Since the last 2 years i havent recieved a single call from them. I have also limited my calls to occasions. dh is a typical mommys boy and my mil knows very well how to make my life hell.
I need some advice how to act when they come. e.g about their food, their outings, house cleaning(my dh wont co operate in front of his parents). along with them how would i manage my studies, my coachings, my exams.
My dh will try to make their trip as good as he can. While doing this he wont care about my studies(last year i had another similar european exam, i just passed, dint got good percent because of exactly same stuff that is happening now- my mil asked us to attend two weddings in 1 month, i came back 3 days before my exam, luckily i cleared, dint got good marks though). I dont want this to happen again, this time i really need a very good score to go for postgrad.
I am very scared how will i manage in those days?
Please advice me about my concerns.
Thanks

yellowmango · Oct 1, 2014

If postponing is not possible....keep a full time maid and cook for the duration.Spend your time in your room studying.Tell husband in advance that you need support.Your mil sure does time her visits well.

armummy · Oct 2, 2014

If they gave option that they can change , try your luck by asking to change to dates after your clinical exams. If not , let your husband go, get a Indian help for the duration to cook and clean .

You figure out your study times and go to library everyday for those timings so no body can disturb you. Speak your husband to make their trip memorable by taking them to places every weekend so you can be free and study .

Alildream · Oct 2, 2014

I was in the same state a few years ago...I started going to the library to study because my mil wouldn't let me study at home. Maybe you can do that when they come to visit. If you are going for training, you will be away from them so why bother? Is your dh a doc too? If so, he can understand. If not, you need to explain the importance of being calm and giving these exams. Also, he needs to understand how tough these exams are. Non medico husbands find it hard to understand. They know it is tough for us, but they don't understand the extent of the problem. Pil think we use studies as excuse to escape from family obligations. You can't and shouldn't deal with this right now. Don't try explaining or arguing with them about it because you will lose your peace of mind!
1. You said you have not stayed alone after marriage and u will find it tough. Take advantage of this time to study extra. Don't feel bad or lonely. When we are alone, we can concentrate more. You can call and talk to dh or your parents during breaks.
2. Have you considered having your parents over or going to your parents house for sometime? It is a good option....
3. Get lots of ready to eat stuff, instant noodles, breakfast cereals etc. I survived on these during exams!
4. As far as wedding is concerned, talk to your dh about it. Don't attend if you don't want to. My mil came with all sorts of stupid functions that I had to attend. I didn't attend all of them. Maybe just 1 or 2. I just showed them my face and went back. She complained but too bad...on the day of my entrance exam she wanted me to come directly to her best friend's son's wedding from exam hall....I flatly refused.
5. Hire a cook. I did this but it didn't work well for me.

how to deal with ils during their exam visit:
1. Talk to your dh and see if you can postpone their trip. Tell your dh that with exam stress, you won't be able to pamper your ils...that you will do proper "seva" after your exams and that you want to pamper your mil! Tell him that if they come during exams, they might feel obliged to do house work, but after your exams, they can enjoy while you pamper them! Try to sound earnest, he might believe you!
2. If they insist on coming, don't fume. Talk to your dh about what work you can and are willing to do.... If it is too much hire extra help.
3. Talk to your dh clearly before they come and make sure HE communicates with them. If you are angry, go out do something else. It is easy to get frustrated during exams and take it out on pil!
4. Be prepared: mil will dump work on you behind dh's back and force you to do it. I used to leave for the library along with my dh and return late in the evening. Never stay alone with her...like you said mils are insecure and jealous...they won't let you study!

hope this helps! Whatever you do, don't call your peers often....if they are not married, they would have studied more and you will only get more tensed!

manisha036 · Oct 2, 2014

My dh is a software consultant, he dont understand the stress. he believes 2 3 hrs study is enough to crack any exam:bonk.
To be honest, its not possible to hire a full time help. My dh even wont agree on a 1 or 2 hr housekeeping lady.
A month back we talked regarding ils visit... he gave me a kind of warning: dont think of studying in a library when my parents come, they are coming to visit you and you should stay with them, i dont want them to feel alone.:roll:
He will definitely make some family trips for weekends, he wont let me stay at home.

As i mentioned about my previous exam, before exam i was in india , one day i went to study in my room... my mil created a huge drama out of it, she uttered all those words which she was not supposed to, for me n my family.. it was when i studied for just 1 hr and my room was open..

Alildream · Oct 2, 2014

2-3 hours????!!!! Even if you study for 23 hours a day it is not enough!!! :rantI feel your pain dear. These mils are calculating manipulative insecure, selfish people who have no concern for dil! In functions, we are pieces to show off...doctor dil is a trophy, "I may be illiterate but my so called doctor dil is my per ki jooti" :bang Sorry needed to vent a bit myself!

guesshoo · Oct 2, 2014

Your husband is Deliberately jerking you around and you are playing into his hands.

You need to stop taking this nonsense and stand up to him -
let him know he has to understand how important this is for you.
Even if you want to study for 24 hours a day he better make his peace with it and support you. He does not get to dictate how long you need to study.
He can go to his cousin's weddings; you will stay out.
Also if his mum comes she wi be his responsibility. Until you have cracked your exams you do not have the time to entertain her. If she wants to spend time with you, you will let her know an alternate period when it is convienient for you. Full stop.

Then refuse to apologise or play ball. State your decisions and follow through. Don't argue or explain. Use stock phrases like, "stop making a fuss" "It is my study time" "I am busy now; whatever It is can wait" etc. repeat these statements and stay away from prolonging his ridiculous diktats. If the house is a mess, leave it be. Politely ask people to clean up after themselves since you have to study.

You need to start putting yourself first; no one else around you seem to be willing to do that. They will be shocked initially but if you remain firm, unbending and polite, they will come around.

PS: I don't know what part of the world you are in; living by yourself isn't all that difficult. Even grocery can be purchased online or over the phone if transportation is a problem... As long as you have wifi, you really aren't alone; are you?!

sunshine1970 · Oct 2, 2014

Hi I think you should solve the issues you have with your DH before you attempt to tackle the IL. Your DH is not respecting your career, school exams or you. He wants to tell you what to do? that is not acceptable. He should have told his parents to come after your exam if he was worried about you. I think it is very important for you and him to be on same page before you work on parents, cause as long as they know their son listens to what they say and does not give importance to your needs they will continue. For him to tell you that you cannot go to a library is pure rubbish,

1Sandhya · Oct 2, 2014

better clarify with your h now itself. Be firm and set expectations clearly. Do you have any colleagues who took this exam already that can explain the time commitment involved to him?

Anamika99 · Oct 2, 2014

1) living alone---what kind of emotional support u need?

2) your in-laws visit: set expectation from the begining. Stick to your schedule. With peronality like me when blend with my MIL's perosnality...it is hard for me to make changes in daily routine, so do not carried away with distractions from the time they arrive.
3) most importantly talk with your DH, tell him you need support, make sure not to sound like it is becuase of his parents. That part should be just part of it . Explain importance of it
4) make stories to other infront of MIL how she is proud of u n ur education and being first in family.
5) if they r bit greedy ...show how this exma going to get u more money
6) for household, get her help n hire help where u can