Need help please friends

whiteroses · Sep 19, 2014

I am travelling to india around oct last week for my brothers marriage which is on dec 1. travelling with my 19 year old and my husband ll come by nov 16th and we plan to return by dec 9th together.

I came back from india by march after one month vacation with 2 weeks in parents and IL home, just me and my daughter. my mil didnot talk when we left and she complaint to my husband that i didnot visit her while leaving and she didnot call formy daughter 1st birthday on march 27. My husband was telling she s bad and lets not talk. after a month, his grand mother convinced both and they started talking to him and my baby. till now she didnt talk to me and i didnot come forward too, since it not my mistake. but my husband used to tell, how i ll face them in person when i visit india.

now since i am travelling first, i ll be in my hometown since bro engagement is on nov 2. and plan to viist IL after couple of days. but my husband says its not compulsory i need to stay for 50% with IL, but i should leave my daughter there 50% they have rights to be with her. i dont feel confident leaving her alone there, since their whole family didnot care for my daughther and ignored to see her for two months and now how this much care. i stopped arguing with my husband abt them, since its creating unnecessary fight b/w us.

my husband ll come for three weeks - one week work fromhome and chennai 3 days visa interview and my bro marraige one week. in between they want him to take outing for few days, he too very much interested.

i am not happy at all with this travel plan. i dont wish to leave my daughter alone there, also i wish to help my parents with marriage arragements as the only daughter. i am still feeding her before night sleep. my husband still not matured, i am tamilian and he malayalee settled in CBE, he doesnt know much abt relatonships, just been with family.

please help me overcome this frustration. he is not undestanding and if i tell IL also, they ll just put that to him differently and create big issue.

Also to add, we plan to settle separately in chennai after 6 months, if i create any issue with IL now, my husband ll back out his plan and will not move to india anytime.
how to handle this situation.

suasin · Sep 20, 2014

Your H is right. They have the right to spend time with the baby. Attend the engagement, leave for inlaws place in a day or two, stay for a week or so, get an excuse like, stitching/ shopping and leave baby for an afternoon say, 3-4 hrs max. After that, leave for your parents place... Once your H comes, visit again for a day or two, say cant accompany for trip since baby is small.. Enjoy the wedding. Life is very short, why complicate simple things when we can always skim thru??

Grihani · Sep 20, 2014

You are going there for your brother's marriage, so that is your first priority at least this time around. Your husband will attend the marriage for a week you say, that is enough and rest of the time he can spend with his own family.
I know you will be very concerned to leave your daughter with your in-laws, why don't you leave her there when your husband is around, explain it to him and tell him you will confident if one of you is around the baby, tell her that she is still very small hence you feel anxious, and when she grows older you will feel more confident.

Tell him that once you are back in India, she will be spending time with grandparents a lot, and she will be much older for you to feel confident to leave her. Do not tell your husband that you dont confident about your in-laws now, but tell him you feel anxious that she might cry for her mother.

Good luck, I know it is tough but can be handled with a little care.

whiteroses · Sep 20, 2014

thank you friends, since no one in his family talking to me, i feel i ll be all alone in a jungle when i visit them.

As you guys stated, i ll got here after a or two of engagement an be there for few days and come back and go after husband comes.

even in my presence, he wont take care baby for more than 5 mins, he ll just sneak in to play, thats it.. he has plan to meet his college friends,so he wont be much at home there
i dont know how those days are going to be .. just praying to GOD, that eveything should be good until we move to chennai in 6 months

Grihani · Sep 20, 2014

Please do not care if they don't talk to you, act like you are not affected by their behavior. The very reason they are not talking is to make you feel guilty, feel bad about your own behavior, be very confident of your own actions, go there because you have to, and pretend like you are happy for the few days you are there.

And it is OK dont think much about leaving your daughter there, the anger they show is only about you, they ignore your daughter only to affect you, when you are not there it becomes their duty, its not easy to look after a baby, next time around they may not even want you leave her behind, just pray to God, trust them a little and leave her for few days if you really have to. But before that tell your husband once that she is too small a baby to separate her from the mother even for a day.

Will only ask you to work on your relationship with your husband only, never bring up in-laws at home, over the years things will become alright. Good luck and enjoy your time in India, do not let these things spoil your vacation.

Anamika99 · Sep 20, 2014

I agree that your PILs have right to spend time with your LO.
But at the same time she is too little to be left alone, especially when you are still nursing her and especially they misbehaved so to speak with her in past.

Also, i agree that you need to help out your parents being only daughter. I did the same in April for my brother's wedding.

This is the mistake we all make - trying to get our rights. That never works unfortunately with DH when it comes to his family.

We do need to be tricky and play some games...sorry but that is the truth.

1) You need to tell him that as much as you would also like your daughter to bond with his parents, right now it is not the age that she can be left alone without mother.

2) Propose alternate plan so that your daughter can still spend some more time with in-laws . May be can the come over to your home in US? Or while you are there, go little more to your PILs (but less than 50%) and plan wedding work so that something can be done from there as well. Just hand over daughter to PILs and do your work related to wedding. You are still there to nurse her.

3) About trip, by all means let your DH go with your PIL. Tell him you would be little reluctant as daughter is young and you do not want her to catch anything especially wedding around the corner. Also add, that way he will get his bonding time with his parents.

With all these problems, why in earth you plan to move back to India?

Weasly · Sep 20, 2014

Anamika99 said: ↑

I agree that your PILs have right to spend time with your LO.
But at the same time she is too little to be left alone, especially when you are still nursing her and especially they misbehaved so to speak with her in past.

Also, i agree that you need to help out your parents being only daughter. I did the same in April for my brother's wedding.

This is the mistake we all make - trying to get our rights. That never works unfortunately with DH when it comes to his family.

We do need to be tricky and play some games...sorry but that is the truth.

1) You need to tell him that as much as you would also like your daughter to bond with his parents, right now it is not the age that she can be left alone without mother.

2) Propose alternate plan so that your daughter can still spend some more time with in-laws . May be can the come over to your home in US? Or while you are there, go little more to your PILs (but less than 50%) and plan wedding work so that something can be done from there as well. Just hand over daughter to PILs and do your work related to wedding. You are still there to nurse her.

3) About trip, by all means let your DH go with your PIL. Tell him you would be little reluctant as daughter is young and you do not want her to catch anything especially wedding around the corner. Also add, that way he will get his bonding time with his parents.

With all these problems, why in earth you plan to move back to India?
Click to expand...

i agree with anamika!!

Even i m not in toking terms with my pil! Just go there for formality. Tell ur husband tht, yes pils hv right to spend tym wid dd, agree with him, show him tht u r the biggest supporter of the idea tht pil shud spend tym with dd , but right now dd is small n needs mother's care! Behave like u toh want them to spend tym but situation dsnt allow! Mk situation the problem here, not ur tiff with the pil as the problem! N its the truth! If ur dd was old enuf u cud leave her but she isnt so you wont! Specially all those kids born n bought up in US are sensitive to every weather condition in india, they almost always fall ill! I hve seen it spmyself, how can u leave her alone?!

N cn u plz tell, y u want to move to india after pils like this?!

pear · Sep 20, 2014

Just plan a clever way to satisfy your H's aim of 50%share.You cant satisfy your ILs .Ignorance is the key word and maintain your temper. As your H can understand your point of view try to understand his list of to-dos with his family.If he wants to share an outing with his family go ahead.

The only point you had to keep in mind for kids while you travel in india is follow a standard mineral water brand.This could avoid sickness to a great extent.As you would be traveling extensively in a short period of time this precaution will help.

sheztheone · Sep 20, 2014

Really? A <2 year old, still breastfed, absolutely needs to spend 50% time with GPs even if without mom??
Oh, and these India trips!

You need to put your foot down right at the start, or nod your head to everything your H says and then come up with some smart excuses while in India.

(And am I the only one who noticed "19 year old" in the OP?)