is it immaturity over all?

internetmom · Sep 19, 2014

The other day i saw a thread about a man's sole criterion for his wife that she will dedicate her life for his parents at any cost. And it is only understood that such men would like their wives to completely severe their ties with their parents in order to do seva to the in laws. As obnoxious the idea as it was, i saw something not much less than that today.

I over heard a couple of teenage school girls, hardly 15-16 years old, talking about their first crush today. and was so shocked to hear what they had to say. They were discussing how eligible their bfs(still school going boys) are because they don't care for their mothers much. One of the girls was reveling in the glory of having said something negative about the boy's mom in front of him and how his silence proves that he loves her.
Being a mother of two dds and no son, i could have overlooked the thing, but something stung me very badly. why does a girl have to feel that a boy is eligible for her only if he does not care for his mom???? Girls as young as they are already filled with the tendency to have the moms of the boys out of the way. What kind of idea is this? How can they forget the fact that his mom is his mom just as her mom is hers???How can that be a problem for her if his mom is his mom??

Along with these, another aspect of this problem, the parents themselves, is something we have learnt with our lives. A mother of a grown up son, at times of daughter too, has the idiocy to think that her child is being 'bad' and 'ungrateful' to her when their world stops revolving round their parents, when s/he happens to have opinions and ideas of own, that differ from their parents, an develop individuality of his/her own, a love and life of love of his/her own.Isn't it only natural? Will a mother be happy if her son remains a child forever? A being without the capability to think and act on his own?? Will it not a be a serious disability on his part in that case?

All these things when i think, i wonder isn't it a sheer immaturity that so many people, as a society share to some extent?Where is the logic behind such mad tendency to eliminate everyone else from one's life in order to enter or remain there?? A man, in his hurry to be a good son doesnot even think of his duties as a husband. A wife, for getting her share of right as a wife would like her husband's mother to disappear and most importantly a mother, in order to remain the centre in his son's life, would not hesitate to completely destroy the bonds between the husband and wife that is supposedly going to be the wheels for their entire life journey, long after the mother herself will be dead and gone.Isn't it a lack of maturity and utter selfishness for all trying to step in each others domain to want to secure the best for themselves???Each relations wants to destroy other relations in order to thrive.I really think, we as a society, need to grow up and become much more mature and much less self centered in order to make it a better place to live for us all.

yellowmango · Sep 19, 2014

These young girls are just catching up with the rest of the eliminating squad. Just learning the tricks of survival in the jungle called the Indian family after marriage. They are learning from the ordeals of their mothers.If the mothers of sons with a world of wisdom can be so immature...how can teenage girls be expected to be mature.

It is not a good mentality.But then when everyone is doing it...why shouldn't they.The mothers of son's are teaching their sons....the sons are learning from their mothers.....they are just joining the race late. Better than learning that they are just meant to grow up and become good dils at any cost.They are going to enter marriage without any expectations of a "hum saath saath hain" family .Let the mils and the sons change first.....then we can feel bad about these young girls feeling this way.

We are not a "live and let live " society......we are more like a "jiski laathi usi ki bhain" society.....

internetmom · Sep 19, 2014

We are not a "live and let live " society......we are more like a "jiski laathi usi ki bhain" society.....
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very true....

aabcii · Sep 19, 2014

hope is this generation all mothers teach both sons and daughter how to love and respect each other .. life is not only a single person responsibility to move ahead .. its both needs to share and take equal burden .. love.. care.. respect.. share.. support and help are the words that each kid should learn so that next generation atleast could make them know what their duties and responsibilites

nikitaram · Sep 19, 2014

As a first time mother-to-be and having seen my ILs possessiveness towards my husband, I often wonder how I can be different when it comes to my son or daughter. I think its important to realise that you will be the centre of someones life only for a short phase of time after which you have to graciously make way for the next person. At the same time you have to ensure that you have a life of your own and not make your relationship with your children the be all and end all of life and then expect someone else's child to compensate for that! I hope at least by thinking and planning for my old age I can be different than my ILs, only time will tell!

Weasly · Sep 19, 2014

We cnt really blame these teenaging girls! Their opinion has been moulded over the years by wht they hv seen n encountered in the society n they know wht they want n what they dont want!! I think its gud they knw wht they want! N i hope they get tht, some of them might not end up in the inlaws forum cz of that! Maybe just the recipe n fashion forum for them!! thinkingsmiley

DKI · Sep 19, 2014

nikitaram said: ↑

I think its important to realise that you will be the centre of someones life only for a short phase of time after which you have to graciously make way for the next person.
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Very true! I sometimes wonder how some husbands feel about their wives when after the child is born the husband takes a back seat.

When I was expecting my son, an elderly lady I know (mother of 2 sons - and MIL of 2 DILs who think the world of her) told me that the secret to having a great marriage and having the love of husband and son for ever is that you should set the rules upfront. Just as you probably love your parents more than your husband just because he came into your life after them, same way, your husband comes before your son. This way when the son grows up and finds a woman of his own you will be totally OK with him showing some extra affection for her. Does not mean he does not love you. As long as you don't smother the child they will always love you.

I have held on to that mantra and all I can ever pray is that when the time comes, my son chooses a girl who loves him and who he is devoted to. If she is happy as his wife, I will be happy. It will mean I was successful as a mother.

gauridinesh · Sep 19, 2014

I have a son AND a daughter. So i guess I will get to see both side of the coins. For now, I have decided on 'you are adults , live your life' mantra. I would hate to depend on them for any of my needs during oldage and I have definitely decided that I will not let either of them stay with me or go stay with them permanently after marriage. I have already started investing in my retirement home .

dsmenon · Sep 19, 2014

gauridinesh said: ↑

I have a son AND a daughter. So i guess I will get to see both side of the coins. For now, I have decided on 'you are adults , live your life' mantra. I would hate to depend on them for any of my needs during oldage and I have definitely decided that I will not let either of them stay with me or go stay with them permanently after marriage. I have already started investing in my retirement home .
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If everyone thinks like this, i am sure there wont be a lot of MIL-DIL issues... Ahem ahem our IL-Relationship forum will take a huge hit though..

Minion · Sep 19, 2014

I don't think that this is immaturity it is a fact of life, it reflects how things change if you suppress women on the pretext that they cannot retaliate back. The Indian society has been oppressing women for many years; it is about time they realize this otherwise things like this are bound to happen. MIL’s have failed to reorganize that not all women will put up with their nonsense forever. Since human life span is increasing the change in the society will be slow but the change will be brutal and those who don't recognize this will be left alone and suffer the consequences.

Here is an excerpt from an article that shows how things will turn against you if you keep oppressing people’s rights.

“For centuries, we have permitted ourselves to ignore the extent to which our welfare is dependent on the denial of other people's. We begin to understand the implications of the system we have created only when it turns against ourselves.”

You can read the full article The flight to India