Husband upset over my coldness to MIL

If you think this the best way to handle the situation and you are happy with it...tell your husband that.Tell him this is better than bickering and fighting. If your husband is otherwise ok with you...tell him you will respect his mother but can't be her friend.Also let him know that since she has your child all to herself during the day...you like to have your baby after coming back from work.

May be you could have some common family time...like evening tea time where all of you spend time together.That might make him feel better.

Another suggestion could be to not close your bedroom door....it may look like an aggressive act to him...instead put curtain and draw them for your privacy.

If you don't mind....you could tell him to spend some extra time with her.

Try to get her to meet people of her age in the neighborhood.If she has a social life other than her son's family...she may not look so lonely and unhappy to your husband.

It looks like mil is also not too unhappy with this barely talking mode.You could try being a little more involved with her in front of your husband.It may not be genuine ,but if your husband is happy with this...he will stop nagging you,in turn you will be happy.

 

OP if I may ask, what is your husband's level of daily interaction with her? Does he also sit with you in your room and rarely go out?
If you have a maid (dedicated to taking care of your child during the day I assume), what is your MIL's level of interaction with your child in the day generally? A child can easily sense disturbed atmosphere & cold vibes, and it deeply impacts their psychology and behaviour.
Does your MIL get to interact with or socialise with any other people regularly (though that is hardly a replacement for normal family interactions)? Does your husband have other sibling/s who could possibly share his responsibility of taking care of an old widowed mother?

From the limited perspective offered by your post, I think your husband may be right to some extent in his guilt and apprehensions. His widowed mother is living a largely isolated life within his own home, only (presumably) interacting with the maid most of the time. She has lost her husband and has no real confidant to share her apprehensions with. In old age, this situation could lead to chronic medical depression and related health issues.

If possible and owing to her age, you should try to mend bridges with her, involve her and get her to interact with you a bit more. If you feel it is not possible for you to make peace with her, then it is an unfortunate situation and that void should logically be filled by her son/your husband.
He should fill that void and take care of his own mother freely, without normally having to ask his wife if it was okay to do so. His mother is an important part of his life, just like his wife and child are.
I truly hope your issue gets resolved amicably.

 

Sometimes rather than fighting/backbiting/cribbing and having a drama at home..worsening things to an extent where people leave home and settle separate and have the trauma and guilt lifetime for things that shouldn't be said and done Its better we maintain a diplomatic relationship sometimes with people whom we (or they )cant gel well..Explain him the same.

 

Pramati, husbands do expect things to be always rosy between mom and wife...even if that is logically impossible...I read in some other thread as someone pointed out that unless abuse is physical abuse, husbands feel that wives should/must adjust...such guys refuse to believe that some wounds go too deep to be healed..and acting all-is-well is sometimes a big hypocrisy...all of this I have faced from my H as well..I just can't imagine how he expects me to behave like some angel to his mom, when I am happier maintaining my own distance...He has tried refusing food/arguing/shouting etc to make me see his point while he steadfastly refuses to see mine..It is as if, my views are of no value..
Well..now I just donot waste my energy in trying to make him see my point of view..I do what makes me feel comfortable...when he tries to convince me, I just reply in monosyllables and then do my own thing...when I ask him reasons behind his mom's misbehaviours, he goes deaf...so i do the same when he asks me to change myself...Why should we keep on bending,bending,bending to keep on pleasing already over-fed ego-s of MIL-s, I donot understand...

Well, I have an impending drama in my home, when my H is going to return from overseas..we plan to move closer to office and I know that MIL is planning to create drama saying that she will not move with us..and my H will come to me with some ridiculous request to persuade my MIL,hold her feet "Oh come ma..without you I will die" sort of dialogs...I know very well that he expects this from me...I am also prepared NOT to bend..I have never asked my MIL to stay separate..if she is doing all this so that I come and hold her feet, then she is going to have some shock...because this time,if she wants to stay separate, I will take her at her word...no ego-oiling from my end this time...

One example that you can NEVER satisfy MIL-s or mama's boy husbands: When my DD was born and I was at home looking after DD 24X7 , their complaint was "you never give baby to her grandma";
Now when I work and most of the time DD is with my MIL, the complaint is: "Baby is always with her grandma"..

 

My humble opinion is love shared only doubles. I can understand you miss your child as you are working. Instead of cutting her off try and include her too. Please ask yourself if your husband behaved the same ways to your mother will it be acceptable to you?

 

You have hit the nail here Pramati...My MIL has this constant chant of "I have sacrificed so much for you !!" slogan in her son's ears...it has made him believe that putting his wife at priority is something very wrong...he actually feels guilty if he by chance does something at my wish...

I had read in a magazine long back that it is absolutely a wrong thing to make your child (boy or girl) steeped in a sense of obligation by constantly reminding him/her how much you have done as parents...As parents, we have brought the child in this world and it is OUR duty to look after him/her...it is so wrong to put the child under constant burden of obligation for giving him/her something which is a birthright..Mothers who do this, create a personality who cannot see right from wrong...and is forever burdened with gratefulness...like a slave..it is cruel actually..

 

Pramati,

Here's how you can try to resolve the issue.

When DH brings it up, tell him you are unhappy with the situation too. You want to sort it out. Say you need his help to resolve things with MIL.

Let your DH know you respect MIL, but you are DD's mother. So, there are things you want to do for her. Acknowledge the fact that MIL cares for DD too, and you are happy to have someone as wise as her to guide DD. But, as a mother, you have your responsibilities that only you should perform. Also, ask DH how will your young daughter feel if her mother does not spend time with her, even after returning from office? Will she not end up feeling that her mother does not care for her? That is surely not want MIL or DH want. Your DD is happy to see you return, and you want to spend as much time with her as possible, when you are home. Mention that you are already missing out on so many things with your DD, while you are working. You are happy that MIL gets to spend the entire day with her.

Do not blame his mother. Let him convince MIL to leave DD and you alone when you return home.