Confused about what to do next... Please help

Dear friends,
I have been a silent reader of this forum and have been admiring the suggestions, comments and advises given by all wonderful ladies here to those in need. Though there are so many discussions about in-laws' problems and mamma's boy DH problems, I thought of posting mine to get some specific advises and suggestions.

As like every other girl who steps into an arranged marriage, I too stepped in with all dreams and hopes. Ours is a late marriage and hence I was also ready to make few compromises to make my married life happy. I am a working professional. As mine was a late marriage, my dad just said "YES" to all the demands brought in by my would-be in-laws then i.e., demand for gold and silver, demand for bearing both the wedding and reception expenses in native and in Chennai.

The only assurance that we wanted was that I will not be stopped from my job after marriage. When my mom brought that point during our meeting with the groom's family, my FIL said "It will be their decision". So we thought that my ILs are broad-minded to not interfere in these things.

But the real story started right after 3 months of my wedding. They had problems in me going for job. I was in a well paid job and I used to give cheques to my FIL who used to put them in FD in my name. But he had all the receipts which means I don't have any control on that FDs though they were in my name. My MIL was doing the main cooking and I used to assist her by getting up early. I do all the cutting, coconut scraping, grinding and all side helps needed for cooking. Menu is decided by her. There will be minimum 3 side dishes, a salad, one kuzhambu, rasam etc. Apart from that, she will also make vadai(sometimes it is normal masal vadai, sometimes it is karunaikizhangu vadai). All these would eat up my entire morning time and sometimes I even don't have time to take a good hair bath or eat the breakfast. Every morning was miserable for me as I had to keep running and rushing. I know I am not an expert in handling kitchen as I have not been used to it. I am ready to learn and I also accept when MIL tells that I did certain things wrongly. We have 3 servant maids to help for dish washing, washing clothes and cleaning the house. Even then, the cooking alone fills the entire morning.

With all these, my MIL will suddenly start making issue that she is the one doing all the work at home and I am doing nothing. Then my FIL who is a 200% dominator and my DH whom I would call a parents' boy than a mamma's boy will start bouncing on me telling me to resign my job. This would happen twice or thrice every month and they have problems in every bit of work I do and every word I say. I compromised and kept quiet for every other tantrum they gave me, but I stood up for me when they wanted me to resign. I was very very firm that I would never resign. I volunteered that I can do cooking but my MIL din't want to give away her kitchen. She will not allow me even to heat a cup of water in her gas stove, but will roam around telling that she is the one doing everything and I am a waste.

My parental family was the main reason for my mental strength during all these sufferings. Sometimes, I just sit in the railway station talking to my mom over phone telling her that I am not going home tonight. She used to console me and give me strength to go home. Once my hubby and MIL even raised hands on me but did not beat me as I started crying loudly. I called up my brother and when he came they all said that they did not raise hands and I am just lying like this. They will scold me for everything and the next minute they will say that they never uttered those words. My hubby also would do the same. Twice or thrice every month there will be sessions like this where MIL and FIL gang up and blame me for
everything. 50% of the time, my DH joins it and blames me along with them and 50% of the time he is a silent spectator. Due to all these issues, me and my DH often had misunderstandings than happy times. I always feel that I am left alone in a jungle.

I conceived after 4 years of marriage with so many prayers and one failed IUI attempt. Even after that, my in-laws had problem with all that I do. MIL will not even keep food for me. I used to starve, even if I say I will cook she will not allow. She will say, "I can cook" and will delay it. I have cried to my DH in hunger, he just stays calm and he also waits for his mom to complete cooking. With morning sickness and nausea, all that morning rush went as usual without any change. While at kitchen, when I feel like throwing up, I run to the wash basin and then wash my face and go back to kitchen. Somehow, my mom managed to convince them to do valaikaapu in 7th month and took me to my native place. That is when I had some free air to breathe. I enjoyed my stay at my native. My DH visited
me once before delivery, and upon seeing me staying happily there he said, "don't be too happy. anyways u have to come back to chennai only after delivery". Though it hurt, I let that go, thinking of my baby.

I ended up in cesarean, my in-laws had problems in every action of mine and my mom. My DH who is in a very good position in his profession would behave like a man without brain upon hearing their teachings. On the day before my cesarean and on the next day of my cesarean, he made me cry by hurting me with his words. The complaint was that my mom did not give due respect to his parents. Even after discharge, my DH used to fight with me over phone for all petty issues. It took 2 months for me to let all those unwanted fights go off my mind and only after that I gained good health and my LO also started gaining weight.

I was at my mom's place for 6 months and during that time, my DH came just thrice to see my LO. I told him once that if I come to Chennai, fights will start again and he said nobody is like that here. In the meantime,he compelled me to resign my job as I had to take care of my LO. MIL was not ready to take care and I was also not ready to leave my LO with her and run for job. So I resigned. All I requested my DH was to give a small amount of money to me every month so that I can take care of my needs and my baby's needs. Because all finance is being controlled by FIL and I somehow don't feel comfortable in going and asking him for my personal expenses. My DH said ok.

After I reached Chennai, he never gave a penny to me. My LO did not sleep at nights due to change of place and kept crying. My mom stayed with me for 2 days and took care of my baby. After that I had to manage him alone. I was awake and taking care of him all night, during day time, when he sleeps, I had to take care of the household. If I slept for sometime with my baby during day time, FIL would make a big complaint to my DH saying that I am sleeping the whole day. 5th day after reaching Chennai with my LO, in-laws made a very big issue saying that I am not doing any household chores. Arguments continued and MIL said, "Iva periya pudungi" for which I was hurt very badly. I am not used to these kind of words. MIL has scolded me a lot and lot earlier, but this word hurt me too much. I told my DH that I am not ready to accept such words from her. He as usual said that
his mom meant him and not me. In-laws also told that she meant their son only and not me. They also bounced asking me if they don't have the rights to scold their son.

After that I just stopped talking to them and MIL would not cook. Since I was at home, I should have done the cooking but I was unable to do proper time management and had lack of confidence as I would be criticised for everything that I do.

In the meantime, my baby also started having health issues due to change in water and climate and I had to go to hospital every alternate day. My baby did not recover well and also started having rashes all over the body due to the heat as it was April. Ours is a very old house and there is no free flow of air inside. No AC at home. I was not comfortable in spending the peak summer in such a situation. May be I am wrong here, but I couldn't see my kid suffering. Hence I asked my DH if I can go home for a month and come back in June as agni natchathiram would have ended by then. As usual he said a big NO.

Bad summer, in-laws' watching my every move, unwell baby... all these disturbed me a lot and everyday seemed like a very big examination for me. I stopped talking to my parents over phone as my conversations are also being watched. However, I told my parents to take me back home and I can't live in such sick environment. My parents came and told that they we will take me home and come back after agni natchathiram ends. My ILs, as expected, made a very big scene and threw a hell lot of complaints on me. From the day 1 of me entering into that house, they had complaints and started pouring everything. My FIL had problems with me if I had my periods during festivals, he had problems because I am not paying attention when he teaches me how to mother feed my LO, he had problems in me placing my toothbrush in my room and the list goes on and on and on. Ultimately, my FIL even actioned how I walk after getting up from sleep. I could not take it up any more and after a big fight, my parents took me home.

Its been 4 months now. My DH did not call me, I gave him a call after 3 months and we talk occasionally. Few times we fight and few times we talk very formally. The only point that concerns me is that he still says that whatever they spoke and did are 100% perfect and whatever I did was wrong. He never understands my pain. He says that I am making big issue for nothing and staying in my parents' place and wants me to go back to his home. I am scared to go back there as I don't have the courage to live with them. I will not have any peace of mind and I don't want to live a life like this. My DH is not even showing interest in seeing our LO whom God gifted after 5 years.

Friends, sorry for this very long post. I tried to edit and make this short but without these you might not understand the situation in my life. Though I have fast forwarded many things in this post, it became quiet big. Sorry and thanks a lot for reading through my post.

Now please tell me what to do. I am really confused.

1. Should I go back and continue living with my ILs who make everyday of my life a hell?
2. Should I continue my career so that I don't have to depend on anybody financially?
3. Should I wait patiently for my DH to realize that wife is also a human being?
4. By doing so, am I separating my LO from his dad's love and affection?

So many questions arising and confusing me. I have tried to ignore their tantrums but it is very very difficult for me. Please help me.

 

Dear sugugiri2010,
Thanks a lot for ur reply. Feeling better to know that another friend could understand my suffering. Thank you so much for your suggestions, will try to implement them.

 

Dear Shina and Cutesmile09,
Thank you both for your understanding and kind words. Feeling so much relieved to read your comments. As all of you have mentioned, I will try to restart my career so that the financial independence gives me more relief. I resigned with the thought that I can dedicate my 100% time to my kid. But I have read the posts of many ILites here who take care of career and kids very well. Hope God gives me the strength to manage things well.
Thank you once again for your wonderful suggestions.