in a fix

manji1982 · Aug 28, 2014

Hi Everyone,

Hope all of you are doing fine!
I wanted to take advise from all of you as I really feel I am a dumbass.
Mine was a love marriage and my in laws never wanted this marriage to happen. My FIL is greedy and wanted to mint good money from his son's marriage but that didnt happen, my MIL wanted a Katrina Kaif types bride but I am dusky and have very average features.
My husband is a pet of his parents and his happiness is exactly where his parents' is.
All through the marriage my MIL was crying alongwith SIL(she was also crying). After marriage was over they did not even bless me.
All through the honeymoon my DH tried contacting and pacifying his mom but she talked rudely and this spoilt my DH's mood.
Since then, it's been 4 years and I have been sufferring because of FIL,MIL and DH. Everytime MIL will try to put me down and taunt that am not good looking, dont do kitchen work properly, not social enough, my nature is good and the list is endless.
My DH silently sees all this but does NOTHING, his behaviour towards his parents remains unchanged.
FIL is not good from character also, he has tried to touch me in a way I did'nt like.He stares at me everytime I get ready and come out and will keep on staring and this makes me feel I am standing naked in front of him. He behaves in a way that Father in law will not, he will talk things to a DIL which he should not. I told my DH about this strange behaviour of his father, he said he spoke to him but I DONT THINK SO. He still talks to him and is with him the way he has been.
I am saying I cant say anything to MIL,FIL and SIL, I married him thinking he will safegaurd me but he toppled that thinking that faith of mine.
I sometimes feel, this problem has no solution I must get separated but I look at my parents and imagine the wrath they will face and step back.
Because of all these problem nothing is right between both of us and we are still childless

Dinny · Aug 28, 2014

Dear Manji,

Even an arranged marriage doesnt come with a lifetime guarantee.
Albeit I understand that luv marriages do come with its own initial hickups. Why dont you try shifting out??? That should bring in some peace in your life.
Discuss it with your hubby,dont sound as if you're forcing him because then he might resist this idea.Ergo be careful.
As a son I would not expect him to go against his parents but the fact that he had enough courage to marry you despite all the resistance from his parents should mean that he would go any extent to keep you happy.
It would take sometime for the family to accept you as their daughter in law.

But your FIL's behavior towards is very inappropriate.And I dont have any solution on that front.I am sorry.

Take care

hrastro · Aug 28, 2014

Never stay alone with your FIL even during day time!

Maybe he is creating these issues so that if and when you complain against him, he will already have established you as the bad DIL - and no one will believe you!! Thats how predators work!

Take care

urenigma · Aug 28, 2014

i dont know how much this would work - But do you think you can record the conversations? and try to take a video whenevr possible? not one or 2 instances but as much as possible.

mother80 · Aug 28, 2014

Ok your fil behavior is unacceptable. Talk to your husband if he can't do anything about it then you will start to stand up for yourself. Also discuss with your hubby about your mil and sil, talk to him nicely and let him know that this can't go on forever there has to be an end to this taunting or else you will start talking back which will make things worse or you will have to leave the house to just to maintain the peace. There has to be an end to all this you just can't just live like this all your life.

yellowmango · Aug 28, 2014

How do these guys who dare to go against their parents turn into little helpless mommy boys???

Your situation with fil is unacceptable.If you can record ...good .If not ....get a whistle and hang it around your neck.Every time he comes close or says a word that is inappropriate....blow the whistle and keep blowing till he moves away. Do it every time.If husband objects...tell him you are doing what you can to protect yourself since he doesn't have the spine.If this is too much for you...just tell him to inform his father that you do not want any kind of relationship with him.

Better still would be if you could move out and have a separate home.

manji1982 · Aug 29, 2014

Thanks everyone for taking time to reply!!
We dont live with his parents but their involvement is high and my DH talks to his father 3-4 times and discusses every damn thing. I think its because he doesnt consider his son anything and so he mistreats me also. My DH calls them here and they stay here 2-3 months at a stretch. I spoke to DH regarding his mother and father's attitude, he doesnt say anything just says-that's his nature. I feel as if am talking to a wall.
Very frustrating, am thinking of meeting a counsellor but this guy is hopeless.

blackbeauty84 · Aug 30, 2014

If your husband doesn't have spine to stand up against his father for his inappropriate behavior towards you, he will never do so. Period.
If situation worsens your FIL will deny anything such happened, MIL will have another reason to label you as bad DIL and your husband will just be a silent spectator. You will have to fight for yourself.
Don't think of your parents or your DH's love. How its going to help when basic security itself is a question mark. Praying for your safety and peace.

memeera1234 · Aug 30, 2014

Since your husband is being a coward (sorry cudnt find a better word) not able to stand up for his wife when someone lays his hands on her, you will have to take things in your own hands. What if that means you MIL, FIL on anybody in the family starts bad-mouthing you.. Stand up for your self-respect..Stand up for what you feel right!!!

persecutedDIL · Aug 30, 2014

manji1982 said: ↑

I wanted to take advise from all of you as I really feel I am a dumbass.
Click to expand...

You need to stop thinking like this. Since you are thinking like this, it comes in your personality that you are diffident. Please give a very confident look to everyone. If you work, take some personality development courses. Hang around with confident people, if possible. Else, observe them.

manji1982 said: ↑

FIL is not good from character also, he has tried to touch me in a way I did'nt like.He stares at me everytime I get ready and come out and will keep on staring and this makes me feel I am standing naked in front of him.
Click to expand...

Please give a stern look to him. Avoid being in his presence. Force your MIL or DH or house-maid to serve him food/water/tea.
If he tries to touch you but has not touched, you need to make excuses like 'Oh let me get water for you/whoever/myself, am thirsty etc' or 'Oh, I forgot to get my mobile phone' all of a sudden. If he touches you unexpectedly, just give a dirty look, shrug your shoulders aggressively and shout 'Oh...'. You need to be brave and look confident.
Rest advice will be given by other ladies, but I thought I must point out that you have to enhance self-worth.