Parents Role in MIL issues....new confusion has set in!

It is sad but in most cases it is the girl's parents who make her weak....until the limits are completely crossed.

Op ...yours is an arranged marriage I believe.In that case ,it was your parents responsibility to check the back ground of the family.How is it that they missed the fact that the mother is a violent ,mentally disturbed woman.Now the least they can do is stand by you.

I would understand their request to bend a little if your mil was a normal decent person. In her case....she will only see it as a sign of weakness and then nothing will change.The only change that seems to be working is your tough stand. So my advice is to stay tough when it comes to mil and be soft when it comes top fil.

I think you should completely explain the violent nature of your mil to your parents. Tell them about the cracks in the houses.It is better they know the complete truth .Don't worry about their feelings and worries.If you stand your ground and set up rules that will help you...your parents will be happier people in the end.Tell them if they can't be with you ....then at least don't work against you in this fight for you survival.(a bit dramatic ...may be....but may get them some idea of the seriousness of the issue.)Tell them to keep their communications limited to fil and dh till you have sorted out this problem.

 

Dear Op,

I have to face the same with my parents. I did not speak to my own father for a week bcz I told him specifically not call and he called. i only called him on Father's day to wish him and ask how he was doin !! I had to do this to drive the point home ! My mom n dad still think I am being immature by not toking to my IL !! While I have numerous time communicated to them that I will speak as soon as they remedy their behavior !! I was so mad whn my dad called them !! U have no idea , I completely lost my cool n was absolutely felt betrayed !! My husband supports my decision and its at the end of the day my marriage, I told them, if they interfere they are only making things worse for me !! I dont now if they have understood all that I was trying to convey !! My mom gets all jumpy n excited, wants to wish MIL on birthday, call for festivals !! And I am appalled at her, basic courtesy is not being maintained by their end and she wants to call for festivals and all !! An incident happened at my place and they were informed abt it, its basic human courtsey to call and ask well being !! And the IDIOTS that they are, they did not !! And my mom wants to call for festivals !! my blood starts to boil when I recall all this ! My husband is ashamed of his parents bcz of their so called behavior !! But husband forget, we dont !!

U have to explain to ur parents that their interference only makes things difficult for you ! My mom said the same thing, that if they say something against me or them then they will handle, what they dont understand is, why in the first place create such a situation !! Parents are so difficult to handle sometimes !! They are ur own blood n flesh, anybody insulting them or saying anything to them, its just absolutely unacceptable !! If ur parents dont understand with love, be a little harsh !! Its for their own good !!

 

Dear YM,

Sometimes its very difficult to spot the imbalanced MIL ! My MIL, she acted sooo gud before the marriage, she peeled peanuts for me before marriage, I thot I hit the jackpot in the MIL lottery. Use to treat me like a kid before marriage, called on my birthday, special occasion , acted actually very sweet. Also my DH's family looks so ideal from the outside u have no idea !! Once u enter, all the screwed up dynamics start to appear ! My parents gave like 25 sarees to be distributed to Dh's family side and 25 suit pieces for male members, my mil and fil dint give anything to anyone, thts how they treat their own relatives ! I was shell shocked ! This happened right after the day of marriage n BIL was so ashamed of my MIL's behaviour tht he came n said sorry to me for this behaviour. What else can I say abt how the have maintained relations !!


BTW, I absolutely adore ur posts !! You are one hell of a pillar of support for so many of us here !! I wish I knew u personally !! U r one gem of a person !! Its a great pleasure to get to know you thru ur writings !!

 

Thanks Weasly.....
It is true that a lot of the times the girls parents unknowingly make life difficult for their daughter by piling on expectations on her.

My parents and inlaws stay in the same town.It had become a norm that we including the kids will stay at in laws and visit my parents on and off.My mil was very dominating and her word was final.

My parents would keep complaining but were the first to say...you go now ...come tomorrow because they were scared of in laws creating drama.We(me and kids) were only allowed to stay at parents place for 3-4 days out of 40-45 days. Finally when I started trying to change things...my dad would get panicky and tell me to keep peace,while complaining all the time too.Finally one day I had to scream at him and say"If you ever again tell me when to come and when to go...that will be the last day I ever visit you.Let me handle things on my own."That was the last time he interfered. Finally now we manage 20 odd days at my parents .Some times you just have to let parents know that times have changed and they are dragging us back with their subservient attitude.

 

Dear op,
You went to see FIL and it was important to show to INLAWS & DH you care.Then why oppose your parents.Every body have thier bit of to-dos in life.Its good for them as elders to maintain certain standards in binding the families(unlike your MIL).

Life teaches a lot of lessons in its path.Your parents had crossed few bridges so trust them .Not every one lives thier life not bothering about the consequences of spoiling relationship.

Warring parents can finish a marriage faster than warring couples .Feel blessed to have parents who is not egoist in nature(this forces your DH to be in your side).Reacting to all the situation in your inlaws house is not necessary if DH doing the support job.

You, not talking to MIL for her abusive behavior need not influence your parents.Its just a courtesy call to enquire about a sick man.
Its not possible to scold all person face to face for thier behavior (real life experience). Your mom rightly asks you to grow up.

The relationship with your inlaws is permanent in nature and elders treating it that way is appreciable. MIL can shout at you and you can give her the silent treatment, but you cant delete her from your life.

Best wishes dear

 

I rate your advice very highly Pear...but in this case I would differ from you.
What you wrote is right in normal in laws relationships.Even when small bickering and differences are there...it is better for inlaws to stay cordial.
But this is a case of a highly offensive mil abusing a dil.The poor dil is trying to stand up against a woman (when her husband and fil have failed)or face the same fate that her fil and dh have been facing.

In such a case...the parents going over her and holding cordial talks just gives the impression that she can do what she wants to their daughter...it is ok with them(because they continue to be the same).I bet no mother of a son will be cordial if her son is abused.It is not the parents behavior that is wrong...just that they go out of their way to be cordial to a person who abused their child .....specially because they are the parents of a girl. To a normal person...it may be a sign of maturity but to an abuser it can be seen as a sign of weakness.

 

Dude, do you even read the posts properly before replying or commenting ?? I said, my parents gave my inlaws gifts during marriage to distribute among the relatives of my inlaws !! All they had to do was distribute the gifts my parents gave them among their relatives !! They choose to not do so !! Also stop targeting people! Its the reason you were banned last time ! But you just cant stay away !! No wonder the other members here have also spotted you for ur notorious activities in other threads .You have no qualms about writing negatively abt other GOLD memebers here in other threads , who are way more senior than you !! Calling other people jobless, just shows how bitter you are !!

Dont make it a personal agenda to disrespect every forum members here !! Just goes to show why u r here !!

 

In this particular case, dear, I think you jumped the gun. I suppose it was a courtesy call. And your mum assured you that if your mil crossed the line, she would have not tolerated it; she even had snubs ready. They also said that they just spoke for a short period. You should leave it be.

The point is we aren't going to be able to change the outlook of your father who seems to be someone who just pushes issues under the carpet. Let him believe what he does. Let him do whatever is right by him. I suggest you don't antagonise your parents.

However in case they make promises on your behalf or start telling you how to smoothen things up, calmly state you do not wish to discuss this with them; you have taken a stand you and your husband are happy with. And change the topic.

Point is our parents are not going to understand our "new-age" ways. We just do what is best for us and let them be. If mil is being cordial to them, good for them. You have nothing to do with it nor does that change the way you look at her. Period.

 

Actually its 4.10 am here in US !! And a lot of ppl are night owls (living under a rock as usual) , at times night owls stay awake till 6 in the morning!! I am sure u dint knw tht also !!

Also, of the 3 responses in this thread I am the only who had mentioned abt gifts so it wasnt rocket science to figure out who you were talking abt !!

And its not a monumental task to create an ID from a different IP address, any tom-dick-harry can do that !!

You always have only this argument to give to anyone who is from US !! Even in your last posts under ur previous Usernames!!

Anyways I am not worried, you continue this way, you are going to get the same as ur last username !!

And I reiterate, ur aim to be here is to advise less and make personal attacks more !! Not a lot of value addition to anyone !!