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Stingy In laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by happybuddha, Aug 22, 2014.

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  1. Aug 22, 2014 #1
    happybuddha

    happybuddha New IL'ite

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    A bit of background on my marriage. It is an arranged marriage and my wife is from a different state in North India than where my family hails. The courtship period was fantastic. Although I personally do not believe in a concept of a soul mate, it looks like both of us could live a life with one another. In the marriage, have taken no dowry and my dad was able to get the girls side some very good deals and the expenditure of an entire grand North Indian marriage was barely 6 laks for the girls side. Way higher on our side, strangely. A few stingy dialogues from MIL happened during the marriage (for ex., about the rituals followed saying they will only bring what is 'exactly' required and not one item more (whatever is distributed to the relatives) (items were silly things like a blanket)) To me that was a flag about her mentality. Nevertheless, thankfully she seems to be an alright woman.

    The festivals in the first year of the marriage have to be celebrated by the girls side. Even if they dont, at least a dozen phone calls are expected giving greetings etc. Unfortunately my in laws didnt do any of that. Which has ticked mom and dad off like anything. Although I could care less, I also felt a little bad.

    Now we are expecting a baby and as per ritual wife is expected to go to her parents house for the first child. Even as we are deliberating whether we want the kid to be born in Australia, where we are, or in India - assuming we will choose Australia, my wife wants me to pay for her parents tickets to Australia.

    My wife also has an elder brother and a younger. Elder one earning well and is saving money to pay his EMIs on his new flat. So that he does not incur more expenditure, he sent his wife to live with his mom. I would almost like to believe this shows the cheapness in the genes. But I dont live his life and I dont know his battles. Her parents had openly said since our daughter is earning we have nothing to worry about.

    I am almost amazed at my ILs cheapness. Can a parent not think, that if their daughter is sponsoring their trip, then their daughters family's financial situation is messing up ? I am trying to save for a house, which since the last 10 years has kept on repeatedly looking like a distant dream. With dad's unforesightedness and bad financial decisions, I am the one who has been pulling the family, financially, for quite a long time now..

    I am even more amazed at my wife, who started working at a child care center hardly 2 months ago. However, when she began the job and was not pregnant, we had an informal discussion that she would like to sponsor her parents visit to AU sometime in future.

    We have already had a big fight about how she cannot decide on what she does with her salary for her own self, like I dont decide what I do with my salary for myself. A bit drama on how a girls father feels proud that he is able to fly internationally on his daughters money etc.

    Are most in laws this way ? My mind is almost perplexed in what it wants to think. I just feel a little sad over all I think. I dont know how I want to deal with my in laws. I think all this will pass as the mind cools down - but - I dont know why am posting here. What do you all think ?
     
    happybuddha, Aug 22, 2014
    happybuddha, Aug 22, 2014
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  2. Aug 22, 2014 #2
    urenigma

    urenigma Senior IL'ite

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    i cannot relate to most of things here esp the stinginess - because I am of the mindset that the girls parents are no less/inferior/should be submissive than the guys parents. I also do not relate to the girls parents NEED to spend money for the marriage and that it shuld be upto the mark of THE INLAWS. I also cannot relate to soo many other things tat you written - I earn, so I do have the right to sponsor my parents a trip to where I live.

    But I would like to see how you answer the following -
    Instead of her, how will it be if it was ur parents that were visiting? to be very specific - who is gonna take up that cost?
    How can you tell your ILS are cheap? Just like your parents say that their son is earning, why cant they say that they need not worried because their daughter is earning? Or is all this discussion because they are THE GIRLS's Parents?
     
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2014
    urenigma, Aug 22, 2014
    urenigma, Aug 22, 2014
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  3. Aug 22, 2014 #3
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    It depends.You think the mil is stingy....I think keeping a grudge over little things like blankets is pretty cheap.When you proudly say ...no dowry,you spoil it all by expecting little gifts like blankets and take it to heart.

    Why do you expect a dozen calls from the girl's side? Because you are boys side and have to be shown the honor by the girl's side?Why can't it be both sides wishing each other. You didn't do a favor by marrying their daughter.....men need women as much for marriage

    Would you feel the same way if your parents were coming?You have a problem with your wife spending for tickets for her parents who are coming to help you both with your child.

    Do you think the same when you help your family? Why should she not be able to sponsor her parents because you are in a financial crunch because of your father's mishandling of finances. You should be focusing on that.

    Most parents of sons feel extremely proud when their sons can afford them small luxuries.Why can't the parents of girls feel the same? Do you think they didn't take any efforts in bringing her up...they also must be proud that their daughter can sponsor their visit.They didn't just raise her to help pay EMI for a house. Open up your mind and heart a little. You are not much different from the typical male.....
     
    yellowmango, Aug 22, 2014
    yellowmango, Aug 22, 2014
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  4. Aug 22, 2014 #4
    tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    Please tell me if I have this right: You are paying off for ten years all the bad debts accumulated by your father who is a poor judge of business transactions thus making your own future at risk but you do not want to buy a plane ticket for your wife's mother to come and be an unpaid caregiver to your wife at the birth of your baby?
     
    tashidelek2002, Aug 22, 2014
    tashidelek2002, Aug 22, 2014
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  5. Aug 22, 2014 #5
    dsmenon

    dsmenon Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP... You saying you did NOT take dowry is not a big thing you did. As per the laws asking/taking dowry is a punishable offence. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE EVEN THOUGHT OF DOWRY.

    So her parents are coming to help YOU and YOUR WIFE with YOUR baby, and you want them to take the travel expenses????? What if YOUR parents are coming would YOU think about saving for a house or would you sponsor them?
     
    dsmenon, Aug 22, 2014
    dsmenon, Aug 22, 2014
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  6. Aug 22, 2014 #6
    Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    U said exactly what i was thinking!!

    Op's wife's parents should spend money to come n be unpaid caregivers for Op's child!! Because they are a girl's parent! If ur parents were coming, wud u have not paid fr their tickets?! The audacity some ppl have!!

    Also u spoke abt messing up ur family finances bcz of sponsering the wife's parents tickets, what abt the compromises and adjustments ur wife has made all this while for u, cz u had to pay towards ur father's debts!!?? Did u tell her before marriage tht had u all this huge financial debt issue to take care of??!

    Also u dint do a favor by nt taking dowry! Its illegal to tk dowry!! Its like saying u shud think m a good guy bcz i dint do something tht was already illegal to begin with!
     
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2014
    Weasly, Aug 22, 2014
    Weasly, Aug 22, 2014
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  7. Aug 22, 2014 #7
    hope2b

    hope2b Silver IL'ite

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    I am so glad you posted here OP. Your post reflects the perfect problem we keep discussing. Sorry I have nothing to add to the above replies, but really glad that you gave as an example of double standards we are trying to understand.
     
    hope2b, Aug 22, 2014
    hope2b, Aug 22, 2014
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  8. Aug 22, 2014 #8
    pantu

    pantu Gold IL'ite

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    Dear , you are only thinking from your side. Your wife is earning ,she is the one who is
    paying for the tickets. You said you are taking all the burden of your father's bad
    decisions then why can't she take free and better child care opportunity from her parents? During your courtship period you saw her as a good fit. But now you are
    thinking her as opposite only because of money. This is her money ,she will decide.
     
    pantu, Aug 22, 2014
    pantu, Aug 22, 2014
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  9. Aug 22, 2014 #9
    LuvUMom

    LuvUMom Silver IL'ite

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    OP, please respond to the above question.
     
    LuvUMom, Aug 22, 2014
    LuvUMom, Aug 22, 2014
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  10. Aug 22, 2014 #10
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Looking at Op's username...I won't be surprised if it is another weekend special.
     
    yellowmango, Aug 22, 2014
    yellowmango, Aug 22, 2014
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