Marriage or a war ?

Even mine was the same case..

 

Hey...I totally understand...
I was so innocent and so nice before I got married...
Even after I got married i was really very nice for my husband and in laws....
but they change you in everyway...the more nice you are they take advantage of you in every angle....I realised this..my husband is always a moms boy..or parents boy.....
some of the rules which were imposed on me after marriage..i was new to all those.....rules were like old age but it was coming right from my husband whom i thot to be my life mate..or other half....
they used to order everything to get things done from me..I felt like being a lost kid only taking orders.....
But now I have changed..i am no longer that kid whom my parents brought up with all innocence in the world.....
I have changed for the good....life teaches you a lot.....
just stay strong.....no matter what ...no matter how time changes everything in you....deep down the core you remains the same.....but it just covers that you and makes you altogether a different personality...
now also even today i find lot of controlling,criticism ..but i dont take it and cry as I used to do..i am letting it go....
I always get black mail of divorce from the husband whom i am supposed to live forever with....
lifes not that easy..wish i had remained the same person as i was before marriage....
wish i had not married at all....
i sometimes feel why have i changed myself...
i have bcome so insecure..nowadays every criticism my husband throws i start defending myself....i used to never be like that....if someone says something bad before marriage i used to ignore..
but now..i can never ignore few things...
my husband knows exactly which string to pull so that it will strike so hard that it hurts.....crap..marriage life is so bad.....

 

I feel, unfortunately in india extreme emphasis ( read pressure) is put on staying on in a marriage however unhappy it is.So for many women, who are unlucky to have an unsupportive husband and inlaws, yes it does become like fighting a battle. Fighting a losing battle morelike as she is one person pitched against many, that too in their own territory.

Life itself is a battle, so one looks for a companion to fight this battle but when life partner only makes ones life hard it becomes such a lost cause really.

We have evolved into humans , still sometimes it feels like the laws of animal kingdom ( survival of the fittest being one) are followed. Women are pitched against each other and they start seeing each other as opponents. MIL sees her son as her weapon and does not shy away from using any unfair means to not let opponent (W) get hold of it. Once unfairly treated by mil , wife also sees her as her opponent and starts learning strategies to beat her in her game.so yes u r right OP marriage does start looking like a war.

The whole purpose of marriage/ life gets lost due to all this. And women lose themselves as well.its a lose lose situation.

The whole system of patriarchal society is unfair to women and makes women become very insecure. Insecurity then leads to development of other negative traits. When women start feeling very secure a lot of change will occur automatically i feel.

sorry for the big rant that probably does not even make sense,but u have raised a very thought provoking subject.so i blame u for it.

 

I'm in the same boat ...Lost my innocence , easy going , even smile ...Now I am shot tempered, insecure, lost trust with all ... These are the gifts I got from for In Laws...

 

OP, i dont think you can generalize troubles of marriage and relationship with in laws. this is a forum where people come with their issues so you will hear innumerable such stories but it doesnt mean that all in laws are interfering and all men are non sympathetic towards their wives issues. There are many who have found happiness in their marriage and have a solid relationship with their in laws.

However, in your case, unfortunately there have been issues but checking your DH's messages etc. will only make you obsessive. you yourself think about the person you have become. I am sure there are circumstances which have led you to become this person but you can always choose not to be this person. Allow your husband to have that private space with his family, he has been on your side right so trust him. do think of the consequences you will have to face for invading his privacy, would you have been ok if he would have done the same to you? draw a line and work on making your relationship with your DH as strong and trusting so that no third person can destroy it. i hope you are successful in finding your old me back and i wish you the very best!

 

very sad..but soo true...
Even..I am a changed person now..Thanks to In-laws for transforming me into an aggressive one.

 

On the contrary, my in-laws wanted me to be an exclusive member of their family. They did consider me as a very important family member as far as my presence was concerned but an EXCLUSIVE one with exclusive loyalties to their family! Which meant I had to treat my birth family formally and give secondary importance to them on all occasions. So, the issue is not whether they consider you as an equally important member or not. The issue is something else.

Quite true. My husband is a prized possession for whom I and my immature FIL and a bitter-mouthed MIL are fighting. My FIL is so possessive who would knock onto our bedroom door early morning to wake us up and if I demurred, my H would blame me for showing disrespect to his God-like Dad as if there is nothing private between me and H which his Dad was supposed to respect!