Orthodox Tamil Iyer customs of in-laws

I don't know about 16th century.. but yes, elders in a lot of Tamil Brahmin families do follow the customs, and as you have rightly pointed out, it is a concept called madi.

My grandparents used to follow this when they were alive. My mom and MIL follow this on festival days.

I don't think your MIL is trying to spite you or anything through these customs... they are valid customs for someone who has been brought up in that kind of traditional set up.

 

I can guarantee you that she has not set those rules just for you or to irk you. To be honest, it sounds a lot like my mom's place. We are Iyengars and growing up, I hated these kinds of rules too. Some of them made sense 100 years ago but most of them follow these rules just like that.
If you can follow, I would suggest you to follow them because you cant change their mindset. Trust me!! But if it bothers you too much, speak up and say how some of them are not relevant in todays generation. Say how you cant follow in todays hectic lifestyle.

 

OMG! yes definitely looks like they are in 16th century. I have only heard stories about that kind of madi practised in GP's era, about 60-70 years ago, and as kids we wd observe that kind of madi at home very rarely and only for very special occasions like death anniversaries etc.

The burner rule is purely BS, never heard of it, maybe one log was sufficient to make tea for entire household? and they had to use a fresh stick for the cooking?, she is just making up her own version for her own reasons. And finally if they are that hardcore you can remind them that by crossing 'the seven seas' to visit you, they have 'lost' their caste, per the same rules so what madi and what burner? They are bending the rules to suit themselves.

Op since you are also a Brahmin, but not tamilian, it could be she is being super hardcore in a last-ditch effort to preserve customs, maybe she would'nt be this strict with a girl from their community? I have seen this kind of 'reaction' in normally cool and easygoing people as a response to their children's mixed marriages -- suddenly each and every festival has to be done in the 'correct' way so bahu can learn. Try to remove that fear/insecurity in her heart that the family customs are going to go to hell with advent of non tamil bahu and gently try to nudge her into the 21st century. You WILL need active support of your h in this. Good luck!

 

I wud hv killed myself by now!!:hide: My great granmother use to follow some of these rules!! But she asked my grandma not to do all this!

 

Just because you haven't heard of something or you don't follow it makes it BS?

OP, I don't know what other issues you have with your MIL... but please remember that she is from a different background/generation from yourself, so her beliefs could be very real for her.

I know that some of these things could be very inconvenient, but you could choose to defy them if you wanted to, just to prove a point or play along, if these things are simple enough, just to maintain the peace and comfort of someone who is a temporary visitor to your house.

 

Oh yeah?! So you actually follow the burner rule? And there is actually a rational reason for it? Gee, well why dont YOU explain the rationale for it then instead of jumping on me?

 

Exactly! I have seen this time and again. The really genuine people who follow some customs per their personal beliefs, and for their own satisfaction, would never ever force them on others.

In my experience, they would explain the procedure only after lot of prodding and in the same breath say, 'this is not for you young girls/ modern girls, city living girls/ working ladies... it is not simply possible to do all this, just do whatever you can with a good intention in your heart and that is sufficient.'

 

Hi OP,
These are very typical Tamil Iyer customs. However, in most families of our acquaintance they were mostly only strictly practiced by ladies of my grandmothers' generation.
The only thing unfamiliar is the gas burner rule.
My mom would have to follow these regulations when her mom came to visit. My paternal grandma was much more relaxed, and except for festival/pooja days the 'madi' rules were not followed.
There was also a tradition of not storing old food in the fridge/not storing old food at all overnight. Usually leftovers would be given to the maids (extra food would usually be prepared for them). If there was still anything remaining, we would eat it but my grandparents would only take fresh food.
Also, the milk and yogurt would not be placed on the dining table, but would be served from the kitchen and taken back.
Some of our relatives who live in smaller towns, and our family priests still follow these traditions faithfully.
There are sound principles for all these rules, but it was also easier to follow them when life was simpler.
So it is very normal for your in-laws, especially if they are traditional people.
However they should accomodate your practices as well.