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how have you found balance with sleep deprivation and stress while taking care of in-

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Anamika99, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    Apparently this time PILs visit is going smoother than last time.
    I have gave in on some items - like religion (sigh!) and avoiding comments by doing all work... i have posted issues so far but

    my schedule is so hectic.
    Wake up around 5:30 and sleep not till at-least 11:30...not normal for my body. This is the case everytime they come, and trying to see how ppl have learnt to rest outside home , taking a day off is not possible right now. :( The only thing i can get is 15-20 mins break in my car. :(

    My DH and i already started having lunch at work but still have to cook- MIL is badly sick. And even when she is not sick i end up cooking 70 % of thing.

    I do not mind work but my day stretch too long. and sleep deprivation hurts my productuivity....my manager already warned me and I may lose my job....by end of this year. :( DH is helping to find job, in the house everywhere....but for somereason with PILs around , we end up having too much work load at home...even when they help , still we r always on toes, can;t seem to figure why?

    With all these it makes me think about how we will make arrangement as they cross 80 and really old and cannot do anything , and may need help in the house all the time.

    so have you run through this situation? What help have you foudn in US, what US govt provides to us being citizen but them not...?
     
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  2. veeramachaneni

    veeramachaneni Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: how have you found balance with sleep deprivation and stress while taking care of

    Hi Anamika - Haven't been in your situation. sorry that you are going through this.

    I also wake up at 5:30 but I will be asleep by 9:30

    Try chopping veggies / marinating meet over the weekend while chatting with DH or watching TV.

    Buy an Onion Chopper and use it everytime you cut veggies (I got one and it really reduced the amount of the time I spend on Cutting Veggies)

    Plan the whole weeks menu ahead.

    assign some stuff to your DH

    After 9 tell them that you are tired and go to bed.

    Good sleep is always important and try to make yourself a Priority. No one can do that except you.



     
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  3. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: how have you found balance with sleep deprivation and stress while taking care of

    Can you bring in a cleaner / cook / housekeeper to do some of the chores?

    Can an you cut down on your cooking time by making double/ triple portions and freezing them? (Psst psst: no one needs to know that the food wasn't freshly made. Reheat or defrost in the over and drizzle a ginger, green chilli tadka over it and it is as good as new.)

    dosa batter, chila batter can be frozen, rotis and Paratas too. I know some people who hold a mass cooking session one day a week and chill the rest of the time.

    Another is to go to bed at 9:30, come what may. The clothes needn't be folded, the living room needn't be tidied up. Prioritise and if something doesn't fit into your schedule postpone it, good luck.
     
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  4. anmolhai

    anmolhai Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: how have you found balance with sleep deprivation and stress while taking care of

    What time do you guys eat dinner? that makes a huge difference also. I know we are eating later now that in-laws are here. But I tidy up the kitchen by 9 pm and off to my room to relax or watch tv.

    Talk about how you might lose your job if you don't make changes at home. Sit with your dh and see what changes you can make at home.

    All the best......I know its tough.
     
  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: how have you found balance with sleep deprivation and stress while taking care of

    Anamika,
    We have started discussing this. How will we care for physically ill parents living here. My worry is that will they even be able to take the travel and get here, you know how strenuous that journey can be to even a very healthy individual. We haven't yet come up with a solution. No the US gov does not have any schemes for non citizen parents.

    Now, if they are already here, then I second what Guesshoo has stated above.

    Cook, cool and freeze in large quantities. I used to freeze in single use serving in gallon freezer bags. I have frozen sambhar, curries of all kinds, gravies, idli, vada(half fried, fry/bake again just before serving). Things like dals, channa, rajma etc freeze well. Even onion paste and gravies can be pre made and frozen.all in single serving packs. Just mix it with veggies or channa, heat, tadka and serve.
    If you have a food processor, make Chapathi dough in a large quantity and freeze as single serving balls in the freezer. You can leave it overnight in the refrigerator section or outside and it thaws well. It doesn't turn black like in the fridge.
    I also suggest a crockpot. Lots of Indian recipes can be made with minimal effort using a crockpot overnight. I love the fact that I can put un soaked channa in the crockpot with water and cook it overnight at low. Next AM, just add the ready made gravy, or just add chopped, ginger, garlic, onions(I add raw but you can fry) and roasted jeera/chilli/dhania powder. Also add Amchur and brown sugar and tomatoes. Put it on high and leave. The chole will be ready for whoever is eating lunch. Make extra so mil can switch it to warm and leave the rest for dinner.

    You shouldn't be cooking anything at one time(choose morning or evening as your convenience). Either wake up late or go to bed early. And yes, serve dinner early so you can wind up and sleep.

    I also also second getting help cleaning,folding,chopping etc.
     
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  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: how have you found balance with sleep deprivation and stress while taking care of

    Dear Op....reduce your expectations from yourself and make them also reduce their expectations from you.

    Religion is their thing....let her deal with it.tell her to manage,you don't have time.
    Like guesshoo wrote....make more and keep to serve later. Make stuff like mixed vegetable pulao with raita.....lemom rice and curd.Tell mil to chop stuff before you leave.

    Go to bed at a fixed time....work can wait. If the house is not tidied up one day...no one will be hurt.It can be done later. If required ...in laws can do it.

    Don't go over board in serving any one. Do what you can comfortably do.It child is attending too many classes outside school.....reduce.Choose the ones the child enjoys most.

    One day in a week .....order food from outside and stay in bed longer.
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2014
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  7. anmolhai

    anmolhai Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: how have you found balance with sleep deprivation and stress while taking care of

    Also don't hesitate to ask for help. Take out veges that mil can cut before you come back from work. Say - we will be great team...you cut the veges and I will cook so we have more time for other things. Say it that its great that she is there to help you.

    She can also fold laundry sitting one place. So once you take it out of the dryer ask her to fold so in the meantime u can finish something else.
     
  8. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: how have you found balance with sleep deprivation and stress while taking care of

    OP,

    11:30 pm bedtime is too late. You must make a rule to get into bed by 9:30-10 latest. For that you need to make noises that you have to sleep now, now, now from 8:30 pm itself, becos they will find some job or other to delay you. Be consistent, tell them the real reason: you may lose your job.

    The main thing you need to understand is that the day stretches only as far as dinner and the subsequent cleanup. Once dinner is cooked, kitchen is closed n days work is done. Usually what happens is that you reach home from office, then ppl want chai, snacks, this, that, and then slowly dinner prep starts around 8-8:30, and then once they eat you have to put away. And then only you are done. So change this. As soon as you reach home by 6:00 just do the 2 things, cook the dinner and finish the dishes and clean up the kitchen. They may object with we dont want to have dinner so soon etc but you counter reply that you are just keeping it ready so they can have it whenever. If you are delaying dinner prep because mil wants to cook part of it along with you at a later time per her convenience, then find a way around that or forego her help. Job is more impt than her 30% help. Make the food, eat your food and go to your room. Do this strictly for 2-3 weeks, slowly they will adjust. Most important: if you set an expectation or rule, be consistent, dont put it aside easily.
     
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  9. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    Re: how have you found balance with sleep deprivation and stress while taking care of

    thank you all for posting, will read in detail soon
     
  10. JustLikeYou

    JustLikeYou Gold IL'ite

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    Re: how have you found balance with sleep deprivation and stress while taking care of

    Anamika99,

    When i was still newly married and just my H and me, i used to cook everyday the elaborate indian meal for dinner and pack lunch, do the dishes, clean the kitchen and sweep and mop the floor everyday. I had a full time job and going to school part-time for masters.
    I figured later on that this is not sustainable. 7 years down the line, with a toddler around, i hardly have time to do half the chores that i used to do. my husband unloads the dishes and put them on the counter and loads it. If i have time i wipe them and put them on the shelf. If i am busy, i just let it sit there. i do cleaning one room at a time on my convenience during the weekend. I will do the laundry and if i have time, i will fold and put it in place the same day otherwise it stays there for few days.
    Meal, i haven't started freezing or marathon cooking yet, somehow it has worked out well for me. I just cook one pot dishes and have dosa batter handy.

    Lessen the amount of work that you do everyday. Your house doesnt have to be perfect every single minute.

    Coming to your worries about your Ils getting to their old age, cross that bridge when it comes. You will have options.
     
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