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Husband's over confidence on his Parents

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Reesha, Jul 28, 2014.

  1. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Indus ladies,

    after entering into second part of married life, i observed some pitfalls of my DH characteristics recently. Finally i can conclude that he want to believe & not oppose his parents in any matter irrespective of their behaviour towards others. some scenes i am explaining hear.

    scene No:1
    i hired a muslim lady as cook in my home before i am going to my parents place for delivery purpose for DH food purpose. She is having small childrens with her. i agreed to take her children into my home during her working hours. By that time my In-laws are not with us. My In-laws came to my house before 2 months of my arrival. my MIL shouted on cook that, she shouldn't take her childrens into home because of them, cooking done lately & pointing out her cooking procedures in very rude way. Cook is having very friendly relationship with me. so she bared all my MIL nonsense just for me. after my arrival she informed all things to me and said she want to discontinue. but again i requested her to continue in work because i am having a 5 months baby. so i cant manage cooking work at home. MIL having NO energy to cook but more energy to shoute.

    scene No:2
    i have a maid for long 1 year. i assigned some extra works to her with extra payment before my journey to my parents location like windows cleaning & dining cleaning. but i observed that she is not doing her extra works. i asked her that what is reason. there FIL also sitting while i am asking. she told that, my MIL is cleaning those before of she is doing every day. so she is not getting chance to clean. FIL herd that and shouted on her very rude way, how you can say like that? because of my wife doing, you are not doing. what's that mean? is she equivalent to you .....like that... i am silent hear:shhh:

    scene No:3
    1 month back, in between general talk My muslim cook told to MIL, she got 200/- as ranjan gift from one of my family friends who stayed in same apartment. hear she said in general way but not pointing out us.

    DH : i explained situation to DH about first 2 issues & said i will take care their management. so just he said one line sentence to his parents that " don't involve in works of cook & maid because we need them now. " my MIL & FIL started big drama with teared eyes that, "we don't have respectful position in this house as elders. we are less value than maid & cook in this house. even we don't have right to order maid & cook hear. what a worst positions we had so on......".

    FIL complaint: maid is saying that because of MIL arrives into house, she is not doing her extra works.

    MIL complaint: cook is pointing out us that we are not offering any Ranjan gift to her. i dint give her any thing. even she is not cooking well, i am offering lot of help to her in kitchen.even she is doing block mailing us for money gift.

    dear ladies, hear MIL & FIL are changing actual talks happened in reality and assigning their own meanings to those sentences which will creates bad image on others(maid & cook) and sympathy on them in DH view. this is not first time. i observed this nature in them for several times. they did same for me and my co-sister too. in absence of DILs, they changed actual talks of DIL and assigned their negative meanings to those while they are saying to their sons & relatives. every one is believing their talks easily because they are such elders & having very honest faces.

    luckily, my BIL believing his wife(co-sis). so he is supporting her. but in my case, DH is having one belief that, his brother is not giving respect to parents because he is wife's guy. so Dh don't want to be like wife's guy and want to be parents's guy. so even he observed wrong in parents behaviour, he is silent & want to keep them in higher stage before of all that mean he don't want to ask his parents about any thing even they are doing wrong. he want to support their parents at any cost and trying to not to believe me as well in some cases. hear he is not at all ready to support me and controlling me with words like " you are my family member. not maid & cook. so dont support them. just support us".

    dear ladies, my DH is younger in family & having lot of IGO problems with me too. as i said in earlier post, he is not sharing any inner feelings of him with me. he wrote in his dairy that," my parents did wrong behaviour towards my wife(me)". but the same he didn't like to admit before of me.

    My character is like, which side truth is there, i will stand that side irrespective of relations.

    Totally, my DH having over confidence on parents & soft corn on his parents because they are old people with health problems & don't want t be wife's guy. so he don't want to hear any negative things on them & want to support them only even they did wrong. i lost my respect on him(DH) already. now i am loosing my love too. help me ladies. what is my future way with this guy now? how should i can mould myself or mould him?
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2014
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Op....life is long.Choose your battles well.Your maid and cook(however right they may be) are not going to stay with you life long. If any one pays them more...they will leave you(rightly so....they are after all working for a living)....so I feel fighting for them is not worth the damage it will do to your relationships.Who knows how many little battles you have to fight for yourself. Keep your energy for that and husband's good will for a tougher time.

    I would suggest you make the most of the situation.Tell your husband that you thought about what he said and you agree that family is family and should come first. Tell him that you will talk to your employees to be careful while talking to in laws.

    You can also get a few brownie points by telling your maid loudly to listen to mil's instruction while cooking.

    This way you will be able to pacify everyone without losing your employees. You can quietly give your maid the ramzan bonus without letting mil know.You have a small baby and you need the peace and quiet.Make the most of the situation.
    Best wishes.
     
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  3. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Reesha,
    Its not wise on your part to support your maid in front of your PIL .Usually the maids don't like doing extra work or work under supervision.They use DIL-MIL division to have thier way.Your DH seems to have balanced it .You can give extra cash to house-help every time your PILs come to make matters easier(a friend of mine gifted a saree to the cook telling her it came from her MIL).Avoid making negative comment about your PILs before the house-help so they will treat them with respect.Life is all about balancing. Enjoy your motherhood Best wishes.
     
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  4. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    Dear pears,


    My problem is not that whether i should support maids or not. i am explaining my PILs nature of changing words when they explaining to sons & relatives which will change total meaning of situation happened in reality. i am bothering about that only. their son( My DH) is believing their talks fully with out having second thought. simple example:

    once my co-sis checking sofa's cushion in her home and said in general way to her DH that "over sitting made it loose. we need to pay again for it's repair". but FIL is sitting other end of sofa and he misunderstood her words. he didn't open up his mouth before of his first son. but he complained to my DH(second son) that she hurts him with indirect talks. so my DH created himself a bad image on her.

    in same way, i expressed my tension about my DH's food problem with MIL( she is not in my home by that time) when i am pregnant & stayed with parents. but she misunderstood that like i am pressuring her to come to my home just for cooking purpose. actually hear i didn't ask her to come & cook. just i said my DH food problems with cook. but she understood in wrong way. she complained to first son that "second DIL expecting me to cook in this age for his husband. i have lot of health problems. why she can't understood it". so he created himself a bad image on me.

    dear ladies, observe that, they are spreading rumors about DILs across relatives with this type of misunderstandings. they don't tell their problems with their sons directly. they said in cris-cross manner that, about first DIL to second son, about second DIL to first son. about two DILs to all relatives .

    my BIL is supporting his wife. but my DH is not supporting me. he is believing his parents fully with out checking what happened in reality. i depressed a lot..:hide:
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Reesha...you have to be extra careful with these extra sensitive types.Specially if they have an overactive imagination and the tendency to blame dils.Like in your situation.....firstly...talk only if necessary...secondly ,if some misunderstanding has been created,clear it in front of dh with her like " mummy ji ,you misunderstood...I was just trying to have casual chit chat about everyday home management and not hinting anything.".Smile and move away.

    My fil is like that. I have to think a 100 times before opening my mouth in front of him because of his fantastic ability to come up with the most dramatic interpretation from most ordinary comments.
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2014
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