FIL troubles - how to keep calm?

Sunrise · Jul 24, 2014

Hello all,

I have been a silent reader of this forum since few months but today I thought to share my problem and get a viewpoint of forum members. Sorry for the long post.

I am married for 3.5 years. Me and my husband both are working in USA and our families are in India. I have a great supportive husband and other in laws except my Father In Law. He is extremely money minded and can't digest the fact that I am earning and making more money than his son( I changed a job so obviously my salary shot up). He has not told this openly but his harassment over the phone has increased after he got to know about my salary last year. He used to ask us, how much do you spend, how many times do you go out for dinner, how much is your savings, do you send money to your parents etc. I was getting frustrated with his increased interference and my DH would keep quiet. So I made my DH understand that he needs to stand up. DH took control of things and told him we are managing our life and bank balances, too.
A year after our marriage when we visited India, DH once showed his bank balance to his dad thinking he will stop this controlling and interfering behavior but it never stops, it had reduced though. He still tries ways to ask us and know how much money we have, now especially about my bank balance. Once, he also shamelessly asked where is my money which I earned pre-marriage as I have been working for almost 7 years before marriage. But that time, my DH immediately stopped him and told him, you don't need to know and we have no business in knowing it so FIL kept quiet.

After marriage, we have been inviting them to visit us during summer but they kept saying not now, we will come when you have baby etc. They had visited my DH few years back before our marriage. Then I invited my parents for USA visit and sponsored their trip including tickets. Due to this, MY FIL has been extremely rude and cunning towards me. He even told my DH that even though only your wife spends money for this trip, we have rights over her money and her parents don't deserve a penny. Even though she is going to sponsor the trip, DH's money will also be spent here and there etc etc. ( He didn't have guts to tell me this) My parents visited us for 3 months and I took them to all famous places across USA. Due to my FIL's comments, I didn't share the expenses with my DH and spent all by myself for my parents trip.

Fast forward to present situation, recently I delivered a baby and my mom had come for 2 months to help with the baby. FIL obviously didn't like my mom's trip and tried to create issues, my DH handled the situation. He also tried to harass me during my pregnancy as well. Now after my mom left, my DH thought its a good idea to invite his parents to visit the newborn. I was not comfortable with FIL visiting but I agreed thinking after all they are his parents and I am no-one to stop them. Now they are here since 10 days and FIL has already started creating issues. He fought with me saying you spent lavishly on your parents and your took them to only 5 star hotels blah blah.

I cook for them every day without any help from in laws. My DH helps me in everything so that is not an issue. But today morning my MIL( MIL is very good by nature but gets carried away by FIL) told me that FIL wants to know about your bank balances, salary, bank statements etc. The other day I had asked MIL as why does he try to harass me mentally when I am a nursing mother who is working full time. What wrong have I done? To this she said, he is basically jealous and he couldn't digest the fact that his own daughter is earning pretty well back home and he passes sarcastic comments on her too.
My DH says that FIL has big ego issues and thinks he is the only superior person in entire family or even world :bonk. He doesn't like when my MIL tries to help me in Kitchen and tries to stop her. He completely dominates my MIL.

Now in the pursuit of his curiosity about my bank balances and what I do with my salary, he asked me today morning to show him my school leaving certificate. My DH says: "You don't worry. I will not show him and tell him you don't need to see any document as a proof. If you want to know anything, ask us verbally and you will get verbal answers."

But I know he is not going to stop and will create more and more issues. DH says, even if you show him there is no limit and he won't stop and might even try to gain total control on our finances. Due to this, I am not feeling good either and keep thinking what if he harasses me more in remaining 2.5 months they are here, what if he tries to harm me in any ways as he openly told me, I will set you right. I feel like telling my FIL, "Have you come here to play with grandchild or harass me?" which I think I will tell him but he is unnecessarily creating tension for me and my DH by his nonstop sarcastic and criticizing comments on each and everything that is related to me. He is very good with the baby though. Looks like he has problem only with me so I told DH that I will go to India for sometime if he doesn't stop.

How do I concentrate on baby, job and work and ignore his questionnaire on my finances? He always tries to ask such things when DH is not around.

yellowmango · Jul 25, 2014

Stop talking to him specially when husband isnot around. Tell him he is harassing you and you will not talk to him.Continue rest as before. Treat mil well but ignore him.

pantu · Jul 25, 2014

Thank your hubby and your MIL for their greatness. Now your FIL is a grandpa so you can say to him 'oh FIL why are you saying always money ... money , when my baby will speak I am pretty sure he will speak money ... as his first word. Please stop that , I don't want to hear that word from him.' Ignore him as much as you can.

gauridinesh · Jul 25, 2014

your FIL is nosy and tell him on his face that its none of his business. Why does he need your school leaving certificate??? Confront him and ask him what he needs your confidential docs for.He needs to be put in his place.

JustMyself · Jul 25, 2014

If all these questions are coming to you, but never from FIL, who carries these messages ?

Ask that messenger (MIL/DH) to stop sharing these questions to you, as it is developing a negative image of FIL to you. Tell them, point blank that you dont want to hear. Dont even listen. Keep saying a NO till they stop. When the message reaches FIL that you non-approachable when it comes to his questions, either he will ask you directly or he will stop altogether. Atleast, that would give you a chance to either ask him to backoff directly or live your life peacefully.

Enjoy time with your baby.

FromMars · Jul 25, 2014

OP,
The problem lies with your DH. He needs to tackle this with your FIL. Your FIL has no business asking you such things.

If he asks something like this, don't answer. Tell him to ask his son.

Your DH needs to take your FIL for a walk and tell him that such things will not be tolerated. Asking others finances are like peaking into their bedrooms.

If he still doesn't listen, then your DH has to take your MIL and tell the samething to her so, she will respond the same thing.

Don't you show anything to your FIL or answer to any of his questions. Your answer should be, ask your son. I don't like such questions and I don't answer it even to my own parents.

Be polite, yet stern. This is an easy battle to win once you have a clear thought about this.

Also, your DH shouldn't tell anything either. He should say that he doesn't interfere in your matters and he doesn't know your bank balance or your savings.

kn543 · Jul 25, 2014

Some dominant and aggressive men cannot be stopped and you dont have to do it. Remember that they are your visitors only and will be leaving in a few months. If it were me, first I would tell DH about FIL's interrogation and would let DH know very strongly that he should not show anything. Verbally saying we have a decent savings or XXX savings is ok. But never an accurate answer or papers. Second, I will either stop answering FIL's questions or start asking him about his finances. This has a negative impact though- if he starts saying we dont have enough- you guys support- you got to deal with that. Or whenever he asks such questions ask some other irrelevant question or dont answer saying you have to change your baby's diaper or some such things.

Dont confide too much with your MIL too. Let her know even DH was saying he doesnt like this constant questioning of finances by FIL and that you are asking DH not to confront FIL.

You dont have to move from your own home. That is never a right decision, even if it is just a vaction. It would just give them more room to questions.

Anamika99 · Jul 25, 2014

1) start treating ur MIL extra nice, and ignore FIL
2) whenever somebody asks 'your FIL is asking...' stop at that and say let FIL ask me
3) Why in the earth u even tell u sponsored ur parents and took them for trip? - why can't that be just a big question in his mind which is never answered
4) If he asks directly for anything confidential and does not stop after ur no, ask similar things from him
5) ignore him, have fun with baby, MIL and DH and when he start the conversation, just give one-two word answer and do not induldge much so it is not disrespectful and he still gets the message that u do not respect him

Sunrise · Jul 25, 2014

Thank you everyone, these replies confirm my reactions towards FIL's harassment as I have been already ignoring him for most of the time. I asked him why does he need my school leaving certificate and he said I just need it and went away. I told him I have to search and will check. Me and my DH have concluded that he needs my LC to confirm my date of birth and then calculate the years I studied and from then he will calculate how many years I have been working so that helps him advance his questionnaire on my finances and investments. Nonetheless, we are not giving him any info and We are going to tell him just to keep off as he doesn't need to know such things. He is visiting us to play with the newborn so he better does that rather than harassing me. He also keeps asking what did your parents give to the newborn and similar nonsense comments on my parents and me.

@JustMyself, actually there is no messenger in between. Infact my MIL tried to tell me why he is trying to harass me. My FIL directly asks me these things about my finances and I am the one who tries to avoid these awkward situations. Earlier I used to answer him bluntly over the phone but he termed me as dominating and rude DIL so I try to not entertain him anymore and DH handles him.

pear · Jul 25, 2014

Ignore him sunrise ,these dominant ones can smell a victim to a mile.You getting agitated is not helping you.My FIL is more or less belongs to this category .
I give him respect and praise him his positives,cook him with special care but when it comes for rudeness i simply ignore(wont get in to argument or be rude to him ).Mostly i keep a stone face and change the topic or leave the room(like something urgent to do ).

When you have your hubby by your side no need to feel agitated.Agitation breeds more such rudeness for these people increase thier frequency thinking of breaking you up.Ignoring them ultimately bores them and forces them to give up. Your hubby seems to understand him.
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Don't run to your H for everything and expect him to talk to your FIL as a go between. Deal with FIL and inform him casually (no need to be graphic).Applying pressure can make son's to take thier family side or start something on your family(They can get into saviour grab, it's hard to get them out of it)

My FIL could never understand how i can do finance when iam not the one earning.He wanted my bank account to be closed.And the financial to be handed out to him if his son could not manage it.My mobile phone (gifted by my dad) should be gifted to FIL sister as a non earning person iam not liable to have one.I should not spend even 1 rupee without getting permission from my hubby.He put everything in black and white.My hubby refused his suggestions and told me not to show any part of the finances to him.

I will be the first to wish my FIL for his birthday with a nice gift and payasam (he loves it) .My co-sisters still struggle to keep him on bay (even after showing thier bank accounts).Now he wants to know what they purchase ,where they invest ,when the increments comes how they travel how much they spend ...............
Just stop reacting even if he start shouting.Act as if you don't have a reason to say anything to him.Wait for him to understand the meaning as you wait for a child(have unlimited waiting period and not react).
Concentrate on the nicer part of the relationship ---telling him the newborn looks just like him,the child smiles widely to him only,the child likes to be carried by his grand-dad,tell him the child is attached to him much........ask him his preference in food and cook to his taste during weekend.........ask for his comfort ......They love to be the center point of the family.....give them the space where ever you can ......so that you can make him back off from the unreasonable ones.
World needs all types of people.......
RELAX AND ENJOY YOUR MOTHERHOOD.