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How do i deal with this situation

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by urenigma, Jul 24, 2014.

  1. urenigma

    urenigma Senior IL'ite

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    Dear All,

    This is the first time I am posting something in any forum so I am not sure how i start about this.

    My hubby and I are married for a year now and have known each other for the last 4 years. About year ago as soon as we were married, we applied PR to australia and to my anguish my hubby included my MIL and SIL in the application as dedpendants. (FIL passed away some years ago and SIL in her final year graduation). My hubby has a younger brother and he is going to be in india.

    All of us got the grant and we scheduled to move in another 6 months.

    I had a talk with my hubby stating that he and I could fly first and since i have never had the time with him alone, we could live there by ourselves for atleast 3-4 years and settle down post which they can join us.

    you all can imagine what kind of fight must have irrupted post that. He blames me and says he will not do it at any cost.

    Now I dont know what to do.


    A little background on my MIL - she is like a leech and is completely always behind my hubby even though she has 1 other son and 2 other daughters. She never lets us be alone or go out alone - the day we goout alone and come...there has always been huge fights. As an arrangement we decided I and hubby will go out alone only on saturdays and we will go out only as families on sundays. And there has never been a break in taking them out. After that my MIL started fighting that my hubby takes me alone out..so he has to take her out alone for restaurants and movies. I feel it was a disgusting request for some reason and I told the same to my hubby who never understood. We haven't reached a conclusion on this yet.

    However, inbetween all this is when we got the PR, i thot i can get a breather for a few year - but alas everything is at a dead end now.



    ANY suggestion at all???
     
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  2. hawthorne

    hawthorne New IL'ite

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    It looks like yours was a love marriage and MIL does not approve! She is trying to bring about fights in between you and husband. You have also mentioned that your FIL is no more, this makes her more clingy and dependent on her son as she feels very lonely and left out. Did every one get the PR ? if so then you might have to take them with you.
    My suggestions for you if they do move with you to Aus :

    1. Get a job as soon as possible if you don’t already have one.
    2. Make lunch plans with husband and spend time without MIL’s knowledge.
    3. I don’t know how you husband is with lying to his mom.. Mine would never ! so go out once, don’t plan in advance just call in the morning to say lets have lunch… do not give time for him to communicate with mommy about lunch plans..
    4. Take up hobbies or classes to keep yourself occupied in the weekends
    I know its really difficult but I don’t think that if all paperwork is processed then you cannot stop them from accompanying you. Just hope that they will completely hate it in AUS and want to move back to the comforts of their home in India .
     
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  3. adismom

    adismom Bronze IL'ite

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    I can understand the suffocation you must be feeling :( I dont have anything extra to suggest than what hawthorne already did, but I feel since you guys are only recently married, your MIL's insecurity will be at its max...im sure she will ease up after a couple of years (I know... thats a looong wait :spin)
     
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  4. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    You should point out that your unmarried SIL's marriage would be delayed if she is taken to Australia. Also getting your BIL married will also become difficult if all of you are in Australia and he is forced to be in India.

    I fail to understand why would anyone get PR for only one sibling and NOT all, when they have 3 siblings. It should have been either ALL or NONE (Am assuming your younger SIL & younger BIL are unmarried). Not clear from your post.

    With 2 unmarried siblings it would be selfish of your DH to keep his Mom for himself that too in a foreign country -->This is the reason, you should have highlighted to your DH.
     
  5. TheUnhappyWife

    TheUnhappyWife Silver IL'ite

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    I don't know why and how you imagine a widow of previous generation to fend for herself in India with a daughter pursuing graduation, perhaps, with a meagre source of income, when her son is in Australia and other son is trying to build his career? Why do you think they are not entitled to be his dependants ? And why are you 'singly' entitled to it ?
    If in the first year of marriage, you want to call your MIL a leech, I wonder where your relationship is headed to!You call her names in an anonymous forum, which implies you think like that in your head and one day you would say such thing in front of them. You could have called her clingy.
    I can understand your anguish in not getting private time with your hubby but you are in an unfortunate situation where you have a widowed MIL and two family members who are just building their careers. So, you have a choice - either make an arrangement of two establishments - one in India and one in Australia, which might be very costly. Or else let the two come to Australia. Regarding your MIL, she doesn't seem to be a nice MIL but if you had developed a good rapport with your SIL, you could have taken her into confidence and tried to resolve some of your MIL issues. That doesn't seem to be the case as, from your post you sound very possessive about your husband.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2014
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  6. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    O dear....like other said...just a year into your marriage....it would be hard for ur DH to hear against his family.
    1) you need to establish ur self - it is unfair but that is how it works , daughter leaves her own home and trust everybody else in her new home with closed eyes but she had to developed other's trust in her self. - pathetic but true. Show that u r taking care of his familu, u worry about his family, his family is urs..
    2) it takes time for MIL to accept this other woman in his son's life too. What I wonder is, do you have any other issues with MIL other than her being clingy?
    The reason i ask is because if not then start dealing with this one stratigically. For example, you plan to shopping and moive with MIL and family and tell that to all, then plan spa time with your MIL and tell her in advance...and then just plan date with ur hubby and tell that also....

    Remember this is a long road, not to scare you but to warn you. Strike the right balance - give in somewhat and stay stubborn in some cases but nicely...
     
  7. urenigma

    urenigma Senior IL'ite

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    so diggin a little more deeper may anwer ur question

    1) i have my MIL since the time I and my H started going out.. like close to 5 years now. we have always the had the problem of I & H going out alone. H thot it might just ease out when we get married..but to what i see has gotten worse.
    her needs too much for example
    she refuses to go out with anyone other than my H, even tho as i mentioned previosly, she has 2 other daughter and 1 son - all above 22.
    she refuses to come with me too, if H is not accompanying
    she has wierd requeste - that H takes her out alone, when in a movie theater or anywher as family, she insists sitting next to him. hold hands and walk in the mall etc.


    2) she does have another son who earns and can take care of the family, also the reason why we couldn;t include him in our PR. That said, just because I have a BIL, i never i dint want them to move with us to Aus.

    3) we do have a lot of other issues w.r.t to a lot of aspects..but the first and foremost being this one.
     
  8. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    May be ur DH is the eldest and obviusly she has stong attachment, did it also happen to ur DH before u were in his life, i mean before u guys started going out? Could that be happening after loss of her DH?
    So would ur DH support u in finding solution by not going out at all for a while? No outing for u guys or with family for a while and see if she gets bored and start going with somebody else...say you.?



    ok i understand, so her clingy ness to ur DH is the biggest issue for u to resolve
     
  9. FromMars

    FromMars Gold IL'ite

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    I don't see your MIL being with your family as unreasonable. Forget that your DH has siblings, its his duty whether he had siblings or not to take care of her.

    I see the problem of you both not having private time together. Talk to your DH and see how you both can have some time together. Maybe she can be in India for a few months and Oz for a few months.

    Overall, be kind to your MIL, she deserves kindness. Find a way to please her and yourself and not either/or.
     
  10. Shina

    Shina Gold IL'ite

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    Hey OP , once in australia look for a job immediately and learn to be happy independently. Chances are she will not like living in Australia long term as for old people in india there is so much socialising starting from their door step ( sabziwala) and here she will be overwhelmed and bored with no one around.at that time ur husband can gently suggest that she can live some time in Australia and some in india with the other son.

    She is very insecure of u taking away her son from her and so behaving this way. Is there any way u can try to improve your relationship with her as that will reduce her clingy behaviour i think.and be independent and feel very secure in urself so that her silliness cant get to u.all the best.
     
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