What would you do in my situation?

mybaby1 · Jul 22, 2014

Hi ladies, Need your valuable suggestions on the issue I am discussing below.For a general background am married for 5 years now have two sils, mil, fil. My husband is the only son and we have two kids. Both the sils are married, fil is working and mil housewife. Now here I will like to tell that right when my husband got financially independent that is 15 yrs back right from then onwards he has been fulfilling all the responsibilities that ideally his father should have done inspite of this that my fil is also working and a businessman . Marriage of both the sils, our marriage, sils kids function, our kids function, then in between whatever financial needs come everything is provided by us till date. THE ISSUE: Now I recently got to know from my elder sil that my younger sil is pregnant . She is married for almost 2 yrs and she(ELDER SIL) was also surprised that she never bothered to tell us regarding the news and neither did my mil tell us where mil passes all the info to her daughters even the smallest info too. Even the sil husband whom we called to wish birthday just 15 days back n in talks asked abt the gud news, bt he never uttered a word . So all in all everyone knows except for us. Now for the fact I would have been ok with this not telling as many people keep it secret till 3 months but now its already more than 5 mnths .(everyone else knew from 2 mnth) and moreover I am really feeling bad with this thought that its only us who are kept aloof and now when child will come then we will be asked and expected to do everything for her and her child.(giving gold, clothes to everyone n stuff fr child, sweets, gifts etc). This is the same brother who has been doing everything for them. Her marriage was done by us. even the match was searched by us, going and meeting the guys, then marriage, post marriage everything and after this we are getting this treatment and now when time will come again we will be asked to do everything. I m not at all liking it. till date mil or sil has no told us about the news so waiting for the time. Here I would like to ask you all ladies that am I overreacting??. what should have been your stand if it was you on my place as I am feeling to be insulted and just used to the core. pls suggest.

beingloved · Jul 22, 2014

Just invite SIL to your home and you & your husband should ask directly your SIL & MIL what is the reason behind this? There's no point fretting and losing your peace of mind over this. Just ask both of them upfront!

mybaby1 · Jul 22, 2014

Thanks a lot for reply ammulur and beingloved. Talking directly is not an option as my elder sil has told me in faith that her name will not come else its problem for her too as she is also not in talking terms with her sis and calling home is also not option as we are abroad. I am thinking of not participating in any of the functions as if we are not welcomed then it should be in all the things and I will have to bear all the expenses to visit india with a family of 4 and then incurring all the expenses on function which I would have happily done if we would have been given due respect but not now after what she has done.

oysterzzz · Jul 22, 2014

Why would you go visit them when you were not even invited. Just wait till you get the news. One or the other day the baby has to be born, then either she or her mother has to inform you, so wait till then. If they don't inform you, you also just neglect. I feel in this way, you save lot of time, peace and also money. You have already done a lot so far. Your husband is her brother, not father.

Once my SIL didn't come along with all the guests when my kid was born. Her answer for this was that my mother didn't treat her and her hubby properly when they 1st visited us. But when she didn't come, I never asked my MIL about her. I just kept quiet. Later my SIL only came to us when there was a naming ceremony at my dad's place. Of course they came only after my mom n dad went to their home for inviting them. I just thought if she doesn't come even after inviting, I'll not talk to her. But she came to her senses and was present at the function. So everything went on well. We never talk about that again.

Reesha · Jul 22, 2014

common. what is necessary to you to know their personal matter?

if they hiding some thing which is important to their life before of you, then they do not like to share with you. so they hide it. what is your problem hear? as a elder brother your DH did his responsibilities towards his sister. hear because you are his wife, just participated in his works. but expecting too much respect more than your husband from SIL is wrong aspect. Your SIL is pregnant now. If you people stated pointing out her, she will feel stress which is not at all good to baby and you will be loose your good name. if you want give gifts, just keep money in savings. you can buy gold at any time. don't ask them now. & dont interfere their personal matters. this is not time to hurt pregnant SIL just for your IGO.

finally dont expect any thing from SILs family.

sweetestshweta · Jul 22, 2014

Things like pregnancy and child birth cannot be hidden..Your SIL's growing tummy will be an enough reason for you to ask whenever you meet(that is if you want to ask at all)..
I would simply chill in your situation.I mean when I know they have done this and I'll be expected to carry out all these responsibilities(social and financial),why would I want to invite it?
Think about it..If You want to carry out all the traditions and shell out money,gold etc,go and ask-directly or indirectly..But if you want to avoid it,actually ignore this until you are told..
When they tell you,you can give a cold shoulder-When you were not invited or told about the good news,why would you go and carry out all traditions!!
I would just chill in this situation..

RemyaSatya · Jul 22, 2014

I do suggest you do as Reesha and SweetestShweta did.
My SIL dont talk to me other than how are you/What did you eat. She dont share anything good or bad in her mind. As far as I know she rarely speak up even to her parents/brother (my DH) other than to shout or point out their mistakes.
Why do you want to invite unnecessary financial burden. If at all they never tell you even when baby is born, chill out and get something for you and your kids for tht money.:2thumbsup: Be happy that you could buy that for you/your kids.

mybaby1 · Jul 22, 2014

Thanks a lot for your replies remyasatya. sweetestshweta, oysterzz.As you all suggested. will wait and watch and will not invite unnecessary burden on my head and pocket.. Thanks a lot dearies for all your suggestions ..

Anushka008 · Jul 22, 2014

I really feel you should never try to understand In Laws....specially women.....as everybody know its impossible to understand a female

Now to come to ur problem.....i think they must be having some motive to hide it from you....and that too when they know if they will tell you they will only get loads of gifts, gold, money and so on......so don't stress yourself and try to play their game.....

I think you want them to say it out aloud....just plan it wisely.....for example:
next time you talk to her....just ask for some recent pics....or video chat with her....and sweetly ask her she is looking great....is there anything special....or any good news coming....am I going to be aunt soon or something....just ask in very sweet innocent manner....if she refuse....say you are waiting to be aunt soon....and just talk very happily and sweetly.....and if she accepts...there you achieve ur goal...and wish her good luck

happysappy · Jul 22, 2014

Dear OP,

I know exactly how you feel, as I have been in a similar situation before! .I am sure there must have been some motive behind not sharing this. Whatever the reason may be, from my experience, if you reveal any disappointment, sadness or show that you are hurt , that is exactly how they want you to react! so if they ever happen to tell you about the good news at a later stage just congratulate them . that's it ! Show you have better things in life to worry about! distance yourself from her completely.

If she still dose not share anything then when you chat to her generically, just make up a story and tell her how one of your pregnant friend hid her good news from closed ones even in the later stages of pregnancy and that you fail to understand why people do such thing!. In this way you can indirectly taunt her! she would immediately get your hint without you revealing anything!!!

Please relax and don't stress over it too much, some people don't deserve to have an important place in your life, no matter what you do for them!!!!