1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Yearning for a stressfree life

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sweetestshweta, Jul 18, 2014.

Page 1 of 3
  1. Jul 18, 2014 #1
    sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    416
    Likes Received:
    581
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi everyone..
    As I posted earlier,I have taken charge of things in my life(almost).. MIL got the message and somehow backed off-now she doesn't do things directly.I joined another job and kept extra help to take care of kid.I made it clear to DH and MIL indirectly that MIL is hardly of any help to me and I can take care of my daughter myself.. And I also most of the times keep myself busy with daughter and office.

    The bane of my existence and my happiness-my darling MIL and SIL don't just leave us alone.Its a cordial and cold relationship from my side.But MIL hardly goes to her other kids-neither BIL nor SIL.Although we are the last in her preference in her thoughts and actions.I still can't come in terms with her partial behaviour-that I am the last person to be shown any love.
    She'll keep worrying aloud over SIL's fate,her kids' future,how its duty of all to provide SIL and her kids the best of everything.Although she'll also keep saying that SIL can never take a job and she shouldn't do that because she takes care of her kids.Then she keeps an eye on anything I buy for my daughter or myself-generally she'll want stuff like me for her daughter or herself..
    One big thing I managed to avoid was her and SIL's constant demand of keeping her kids with me.Now they want the kids to either go to a hostel or want a shift to some metro(on the pretext of kids' studies)..God knows how am I going to tolerate all this nonsense..
    Just keeping my cool by explaining to myself that its only for 7-8 or 10 years that her kids settle down.I have to do it as duty..I have to do it for my husband..Although it pisses me off many times because I have to leave my small baby at home for job and we have to work so hard and these ladies are not even offering any help.Neither in cutting down expenses nor in taking care of anything at home.All they want is-luxuries,bigger house in a bigger city,good clothes,jewellery..From where is all this coming and how are we doing it is none of their concern..
    Co-sis has smartly moved away and last couple of years,SIL and MIL haven't visited them at all..
    SIL stays at 2 hour drive from my place.So she is here with her kids every weekend.It is so irritating not to find peace even on weekends.And they feel its our duty to take them out for dinner and movie because they are so deprived.
    What irks me most is the false pretence of love for my kid.MIL or SIL will hardly do anything for the kid-cleaning,feeding etc but they'll keep saying things like-I just can't stay away from my niece, when she grows up I'll gift her this and that,I feel like taking away the kid from you etc..But in reality its just fake love.If ever I have to go for some work,they can't even take care of DD for an hour.The aaya is of so much more help than them..
    DH is totally taken aback and overwhelmed by their love.And I don't have energy to make him see through things..Husbands suffer from short term memory loss.They forget every mean thing done by their family members very conveniently.
    I dread weekends now..I can't even keep going to my parents' house to escape these retards.I want to stay at my home and relax or do stuff for myself and my baby..
    All the festivals,all the occasions compulsorily have to be spent with these people..I am angry and anxious too..
    How do I get rid of these people? I want them to just vanish out of my life..Why is life so unfair?
    I can't forget how she took away my jewellery and gave to SIL..
    My SIL gets everything on platter and I sometimes feel like my parents gave me education and everything so that I can serve as a bonded labourer to her and MIL..
    Not fair..Not fair at all
     
    sweetestshweta, Jul 18, 2014
    sweetestshweta, Jul 18, 2014
    #1
    Loading...

    Similar Threads
    1. Sweety2016

      Yearning For A Few Minutes Of Peace Everyday

      Sweety2016, Jun 28, 2023, in forum: Married Life
      Replies:
      17
      Views:
      2,965
      Divyasaravanan
      Jul 5, 2023
    2. Snehadabir

      Yearning To Go To India

      Snehadabir, Jul 27, 2018, in forum: Pregnancy & Labor
      Replies:
      6
      Views:
      1,366
      Snehadabir
      Jul 30, 2018
    3. Ishaan10

      Yearning For Care

      Ishaan10, Jun 1, 2018, in forum: Married Life
      Replies:
      11
      Views:
      2,531
      mimi77
      Jun 14, 2018
  2. Jul 18, 2014 #2
    beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    737
    Likes Received:
    692
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Plan family outings and inform SIL in prior that you won't be home on particular dates.

    Also, if she is at your home on regular basis, just keep doing what you actually want to do. They'll be irked initially, but slowly will get used to it.
     
    beingloved, Jul 18, 2014
    beingloved, Jul 18, 2014
    #2
    1 person likes this.
  3. Jul 18, 2014 #3
    chillbreeze

    chillbreeze Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,962
    Likes Received:
    2,743
    Trophy Points:
    315
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Swetha, I can totally understand your situation and frustration because not long ago I was in your shoes too. Just a background, I live with pils and don't have kids. Sil is happily married with a kid, stays 10 mins away from us.

    Though it seems all bad, you have got several good things going for you. You are working, you have a maid and you are not dependent on your mil or sil for any help, your mil knows not to mess with you, you have a sweet baby and you are already a tough nuthugsmiley.

    Obviously mil will love her DD more and she may also feel insecure about her DD's future and safety. My mil is also same as yours and feels her DD is entitled to everything from us. There is no use in breaking our heads thinking about all the bias and double standards. That's who they are and we can't change the habits of a life time. Would you believe yesterday my mil told that when she is no more, all the utensils in kitchen should go to her daughter. If I am like before, I would have spent hours thinking about it but now I just learnt to let go and not mind what she says. I can always buy new stuff if and when that happens.

    From your earlier posts, I know you are already trying to focus on the positives of your and life and be happy. Keep doing it. It will hurt when you know they really don’t love your DD or will take care of her when you are not around. But don’t worry. You are blessed to be able to work and manage home with hired help and without expecting your mil to do that. Imagine if your mil is helping you, they will tell you a million times about the hardships she is bearing for you and will expect you to do more.

    Regarding weekends and functions, is it possible for you to go alone with your DD to nearby park/temple, stay in your room and play with your DD or visit your parents. You don’t have to do all the work at home when they come. Don’t go overboard. Just do what you feel like doing and don’t let them take you for granted. Think your first priority is your DD, yourself and your DH. Your sil is coming to visit her mom. That way you wouldn’t have to spend much time with them. If you do not want to spend time with them, say you have a headache or you have some work to complete, you would like to play with your DD, etc. I admire you a lot for the way you have taken charge of your life and keep doing it, you will be fine, cheer up.

    PS:     I don’t even want to talk about our naïve DH’s who believe everything that is white is milk. Hence no comments on that aspect of your post.:bang
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2014
    chillbreeze, Jul 18, 2014
    chillbreeze, Jul 18, 2014
    #3
    7 people like this.
  4. Jul 18, 2014 #4
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    It started the day you let her give your jewelry to that sponge sil of yours.That set the tone for what your place in the family will be.You have decided that your husband's peace of mind and his happiness comes before yours and you are willing to slave a life time for your irresponsible and shamelessly greedy sil.It is one thing to help out in times of trouble but to let someone become a parasite on you is just 'asking for it.'You have also enabled her behavior.

    If I were in your place....I would have told the sil....she has a loving and caring mother at home to help her take care of her kids so there is no excuse for her not to get off her lazy butt and try to earn a living.Of course husband would be hurt and upset....Why wouldn't he be ?Why should dear sister move her butt when wife is there to slave to earn for sis and her kids.Sorry forbeing so frank Sweetestshweta......but this is the way I see it. Everyone including your husband is going to be nice and sweet as long as you are giving...the real character will only be seen when you refuse to let them use you.Your sil is also an educated woman just like you.If you can do it...you can demand that she do it too_Or you can keep doing what you are doing and everyone will be happy ...may not you.
     
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2014
    yellowmango, Jul 18, 2014
    yellowmango, Jul 18, 2014
    #4
    3 people like this.
  5. Jul 18, 2014 #5
    sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    416
    Likes Received:
    581
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    .

    Thanks a lot sweetie for cheering me up..I was so so upset today because of the whole set up and also because its already weekend!! You have given some nice tips.I'll try following.To hell with everyone..I am here to live and enjoy..Thanks again    :2thumbsup:
     
    sweetestshweta, Jul 18, 2014
    sweetestshweta, Jul 18, 2014
    #5
  6. Jul 18, 2014 #6
    sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    416
    Likes Received:
    581
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Kudos to you Yellowmango.. I love your straightforward nature and clear headed approach.. Have a lot of respect for you..

    Actually my husband tried to tell SIL about working initially.But this parasitic nature of hers is because of my MIL and BIL.They are the ones to be blamed for all this ruckus.BIL is all gaga for his little sis.Now he expects everyone to pamper her and her kids.This has caused a lot of problems in his own household.But MIL has somehow brainwashed him to such an extent that he just cannot see the truth behind their drama.
    My DH is not that blind thankfully.But its a system running from years-he cannot change it.I have had bouts of anger,frustration and arguments with him because of this as I wasnt able to come in terms with this.But I have seen him trying and miserably failing because of MIL and BIL.
    DH doesn't ask for my salary.He let me do whatever I want but my problem is this whole blood sucking set up.I mean in such a situation,how can MIL and SIL be so demanding-I can't understand.. MIL made us buy a similar laptop like mine for SIL's daughter a few days back.Although I try to remain unaffected and do certain things as duty,such incidents again put me in the rage cycle..
    And when they are not with us,she calls for hours with her coochiepoo talks..Ughhhh
    MIL just won't let both brothers come out of the guilt trap as though they are responsible for SIL's loss..
    I hated MIL and SIL already and I have started developing the same hatred towards BIL too..
    Why can't God take care of such vampires!!
     
    sweetestshweta, Jul 18, 2014
    sweetestshweta, Jul 18, 2014
    #6
  7. Jul 18, 2014 #7
    sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    416
    Likes Received:
    581
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    And me going for one to one talks/fight with these two ladies will cause havoc.. How can anyone in this entire world speak against them!!:rant

    No one thinks MIL is wrong even in not visiting her own ailing MIL for a decade now..She is defended by her kids in this too.. How God creates such blind and deaf offsprings to some ladies I fail to understand
     
    sweetestshweta, Jul 18, 2014
    sweetestshweta, Jul 18, 2014
    #7
  8. Jul 18, 2014 #8
    stillwaters

    stillwaters Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    466
    Likes Received:
    609
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Just plan your things as if they do not exist if you plan to relax and do not want to cook - just do it - if they ask let them know its your leisure day
    just do whatever you feel like if the husband cooperates fine , if not leave him out of your plans
    just take your daughter and spend the whole day outside - in the park , shops - even eat outside and come home late and look very happy as if you have enjoyed thoroughly
    leave your mil to cater for your sil needs
    once you start doing it regularly whenever your sil is home & your mil has to cater for her you will find her love reducing and she herself will see that your sil's visits reduce
    regarding finance if you want to help them financially ,you are the best person to judge but reserve at least 75% of your earnings to save or invest in your name only
    just tell them calmly and clearly that you are prepared to do only so much and it is not unlimited but has boundaries set by you
     
    stillwaters, Jul 18, 2014
    stillwaters, Jul 18, 2014
    #8
    1 person likes this.
  9. Jul 18, 2014 #9
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    I understand what you are saying Shweta ...start small. Next time they ask for something like a laptop....just ignore.Let them remind...just listen without acknowledging.Let them get it from that bil of yours. Start by ignoring first...later on it will be easier to say no.

    Buy stuff for yourself...if they ask for the same...just ignore.

    As for weekends....just don't do anything extra.You take care of your child....give them some work to do.Tell them you have office work to do and go to your room.

    Plan your weekend outing for just the three of you in advance.Inform them you are going out ...the three of you, and do it.If they say they want to join in...tell them that can happen some other time. Plan the big family outing once in two months or whatever is convenient. Slowly get them used to the life you want.
     
    yellowmango, Jul 18, 2014
    yellowmango, Jul 18, 2014
    #9
    3 people like this.
  10. Jul 18, 2014 #10
    sweetestshweta

    sweetestshweta Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    416
    Likes Received:
    581
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks Stillwaters..
    I'll try be firm and thick skinned.. Your suggestions are good.I am sure if I am able to do these,it'll send across the message..
     
    sweetestshweta, Jul 18, 2014
    sweetestshweta, Jul 18, 2014
    #10
    2 people like this.
Page 1 of 3

Share This Page