Ils trying their very best, to present me bad in front of dh

manisha036 · Jul 9, 2014

Hi indus ladies
Yesterday's call is disturbing my peace.
A few months back my Fil bad mouthed me, there my dh supported me and also asked his dad to b respectable to me in future. To defend himself, my fil put the blame on me and told my dh that i initiated the crap and they used some wrong words out of anger.(which was not true, i dint uttered a single word). after 2 3 days father-son chemistry became normal. But i decided to talk with my ils only in presence of my dh.
about a month back we had a fight... i dont like my dh telling my ils every small detail regarding me and my profession(they guide my H whether females shud go out for work or not). Thats the only reason, i wana save myself from negative energy.
btt Yesterday i got a call from a US number. i picked and it was my fil. I wondered how could he is calling from a US number. Out of surprise i asked how my phn is reflecting A US number, but he kept mum. he was very very sweet, i could smell a fish but i talked in a regular way like how are you, how is everything there and finished the call. Later in the evening i get to know that my dh uses this number for official conference calls. My dh called a conference and he chose not to speak, might be his dad wanted to show him how nice he is to me. At night my dh started an argument that i don't behave properly with his parents while they are extremely sweet.
I know this is pure diplomacy, my ils are trying to create disturbance between me and dh. This is 1 of several examples that came to me. They think that to keep a dil in control, first their son shud be in their hands. They are making financial benefits out of it. My dh transfers money without my knowledge.
Ladies in such situations, ''where my dh is being used as a puppet'' how can i make my relation stronger with dh so that he starts understanding the real scenarios.
If i become very lovey dovey, he starts his politics.
When i stand up for myself, obviously a fight happens, it further creates differences. When i see my dh ganging up with them against me, i feel bad.
Please pour in your advices.

yellowmango · Jul 9, 2014

Seriously....????
it was a set up??? and your husband was a part of it??
What conniving ######!!!

Tell your husband you will no longer be taking any calls from fil as you feel insulted and humiliated like a common criminal by his and fil's behavior.Period!

gauridinesh · Jul 9, 2014

Why did you DH keep quiet? Was he trying to check on how you talk to your FIL? In that case, I think you should give a piece of your mind to your H. Say that trust is the basis of any loving relationship and you need to know that he trusts you.
On the money transfer part, I would say ignore it as long as it doesnt dent your budget. Maybe your FIL and MIL are insecure about your H stopping sending money to them, which is why they are playing all these games..
If you want your relationship to be stronger, you need to convince your H that you are in no way wrong. You act normally to him,dont complain about the in-laws and behave in a mature manner.

Reesha · Jul 9, 2014

manisha..i think u r newly married or less than 2 years. so your Dh checked ur behaviour with out belief on u. manisha...believe this truth that husbands are like this only. dont down your self to PIL because of your DH. My Dh also did emotional block mailing like this with name of LOVE).
hear two actions you can take

1. say to your Dh that, you are insulted by FIL. so you are not getting any respectable feelings towards him to act like a good DIL. he will shout surely. dont argue with him. just be calm. ignore his words. dont excite & dont cry. just show more love & do sex after 1 day even u r not interested(from my experience). dont take IL topics. if he take, divert him into romantic talk.

2. Act like super DIL in talks only not in actions & works in front of your DH. show more affection & love in talks only in front of DH. if they assign works , escape with any reasons like health problems or you dont have idea like that. before they say anything, you say your decisions first and assign works to them with nice talks. as possible avoid visiting IL place with health reasons. it is complex. but works. do emotional domination from your side before IL doing it on you.

:thumbsup

1Sandhya · Jul 9, 2014

OP,

This is wrong on your h part. first he is doing wrong and then accusing you on top of it. Actually you should be angry on him and point out very clearly that even though you didnt know he was there you spoke normally to FIL and not rudely like he always claims. Ask him to pinpoint where you did not speak properly on the call to your FIL. Dont reply to any other accusation just keep repeating that question. That this totally disproves your ILs theory that they are forced to treat you bad because you are first to talk rudely. Ask you h sarcastically if now he is satisfied that you were telling the truth. That he went to extent of eavesdropping on call but your IL couldnt prove you are rude to them as they claim. That you are always polite and talk nicely no matter what. Ask what more proof is required and you will prove that.

Not that you shd let your h off the hook. Show your anger on his behaviour in a cold way. Next time and every time from now, dont let him forget he went to even this extent and still they could not prove your behaviour was wrong. IL matter aside, you really need to find a way to make your h understand that what he did with the phone call was way out of line. Make your displeasure very obvious. At the same time insist that even then he could not prove anything they say.

manisha036 · Jul 9, 2014

At first i could not believe it.
I checked my call history, and find a call from same number on sunday morning. I remember at that time i was cooking and my dh was playing game on my phn. This call is only in the call history... on sunday morning i dint hear my phone ringing. i doubt my dh tried a call from the no and then deleted the missed call alert but it remained there as a history.
yseterday evening my dh dialled same no for his conference call. so i gt to know that my H is also a part of game. When i asked, he showed his ignorance about his dad's call. he said'' i dont know from which number my dad called you, and why should i bother about his numbers, if you are saying truth then surely you are missing on something''. He totally denied.
you know... ladies!!! i was shocked, a bitter smile ran over my lips.
Should i talk again with him?
I am totally confused now, before this I was thinking that my relation with dh is getting improved. But now its like somebody punctured my balloon of hope with a needle prick.
I am very depressed. Please help.

Nd123 · Jul 9, 2014

This is a husband issue not an in law issue. Please put the blame where it lies.

Your husband has not only showed you that he doesn't trust or respect you but he has publicized that fact. You have been completely insulted. It is so disgusting.

But you know what really bothers me? He then has the guts to actually act like it is no big deal and pick a fight with you. He has no respect for you what so ever... Or any fear of consequences. Which leads me to believe that you have let him treat you like crap for a long time. And unless you stop being a doormat, it is going to get progressively worse.

You are way too calm about this. I would kill my husband if he does something like this to me.

To start off, I would never ever talk to my inlaws again. Well, may be if they are in the hospital ICU...I'll think about it. They say that you are being rude, own it. From now on, be rude. What are you scared of? The worst that they can do, they have already done. They called you rude and your husband already believes them.

Next, Give your husband personal consequences. He should automatically be nice to his wife. Since he is not capable of that or does not understand that, show him how that feels. Make his life difficult... No cooking or cleaning or doing laundry for him. Nothing that helps him in any way. No being nice to him. You are not happy. Show him that and make him value your happiness by affecting his happiness.

There is a theory which I don't completely believe. They say that a lot of guys respond to the bigger bitch. In this case, it is your FIL. He constantly harasses your husband about you. While you are extremely nice to him and try to avoid conflict.
So to make life easier, you DH just gave in to your FIL.

Teach him that life will get difficult if he is not nice to you. A fight not only affects you but your husband as well. Remember that and stop being so desperate for peace.

Are you earning? Separate your finances. If you are not working, please create a secret account and start saving some emergency money. If you are abroad, you should have at least enough for a last minute ticket home.

Weasly · Jul 9, 2014

This is principally wrong! How can ur husband be a part of a conspiracy against you! You need to talk to him abt how betrayed you are feeling and tht u hv no trust in this relationship. Mk a big deal out of this betrayal, even if it might not be affecting u, you need to tell him this is the limit! The buck has to stop here! What if you hv pulled this kind of a stunt on him! N stop taking **** from ur pil! Give them a tok abt how they r are destroying their own son's life! Stop being nice to them!

manisha036 · Jul 9, 2014

Hi
My dh is totally denying that it was a conf call. yesterday when we talked, he created a big fight and said you can try this number if you want.
Actually i too tried the number but i am getting a message that this number is not available. My H shows confidence only twice, either he has done a wrong thing, or he is totally right.
My fil is calling since 2 and a half years and i hvnt recieved any number other than his.
He is giving me silent treatment since yesterday.
I am totally confused now. I dont know what i am writing, i am loosing my mind.
Is it possible to see a particular US or canadian number(both share +1) on screen during a call from india. Just giving a benefit of (little) doubt.
I am quite sure about a fishy thing. What to do now.

MalStrom · Jul 9, 2014

Give him the silent treatment. Go one step further and refuse to cook or do anything for him until he starts to behave. Otherwise it will only get worse. This is pretty egregious behavior by your DH.
If my husband tried to pull a stunt like this I would have walked out at once.