An unhappy Husband !!!

bfullerene · Jun 29, 2014

Hello everyone - This is my first post and I also have to say that I am a husband simply writing to gain a female perspective since I found that this website is frequented by female visitors.

My wife and I are both Indians raised in New Delhi. We have been married for 15 years and have 2 children - boy aged 9 and a girl aged 7. We have been living in the UK since 1999.

About 12 years ago, my father passed away and 5 years ago, so did my mother. Currently, both of us work full-time. I have a PhD and my wife has a Masters degree. As our children started growing into their fives/sixes my in-laws decided to move in with us. Its a great support system in that my kids have loving grandparents to come home to from school when both my wife and I are at work. I profoundly thank my in-laws for the help and care they deliver to our kids.

Now here's the problem - I consider my mother-in-law (MIL) to be extremely arrogant and interfering. My wife is a sweet woman who continues to amaze me with a full-time job and always on top of the schedule with my kids school work and also taking the time to spend bike, play, swim, etc, with them. I also try to spend as much time with our kids. Our weekends are very kid-focused and in the process we have no friends or hardly ever socialize.

I never got along with my mother-in-law from day 1 of our marriage. Here are some incidents why-

1. On day 2 of our marriage, she tells me that my job is not very well-paying and that I should pursue a degree in Computer Science. I was 30 at the time, and was appalled I am getting advice from her. She hardly knew me. Even my dad gave me the freedom to choose my career.

2. 3 years after our marriage, we made our first trip to India. On arrival, we learned that my father was diagnozed with terminal cancer. My MIL had also joined us. After the news, I started making the trips to the doctors, the labs, etc. due to my mother and father both falling apart with the news. My MIL decides to take my wife to New Delhi to spend time with their relatives. I barely got to see my wife for the rest of the trip and finally after my dad's surgery and with a heavy heart, I returned to the UK with my wife after a 3-week vacation. I started drifting apart from my MIL since she came across as very cold-hearted and inconsiderate.

FAST FORWARD a whole bunch of incidents.....

4. During 2007, my in-laws decide to move in with us since my FIL wanted to spend all the time with the grand children. Living under one roof, I started noticing how much my MIL controlled my wife and also wanted to control me. For example, she would tell us how to dress our children up, what to feed them, when to feed them, etc..My patience was bearing thin. And then one night.....as my wife and I were retiring to bed, she walks into our bedroom after knocking once not waiting to acknowledge whether she could come in and you can only guess....I lost it!!! She simply apologized and walked away...

5. This incident was festering inside me...But again, she continued to mandate our lifestyles...We made a trip to California in the USA.. As usual, they joined us. My 5 year old daughter was playing with the water sprays and she got completely drenched...Both my wife and I are thinking "She is so happy and is enjoying herself with the other kids". But not my MIL...She comes running with a towel and covers my daughter completely and starts yelling at us in front of everyone..."How could you not take care of your own daughter? She will fall sick, catch pneumonia, ...etc..etc..What sort of parents are you?" I was fuming inside but did not grow a spine to yell back at her...I was not comfortable making a scene...It didn't stop...All through the trip back to our hotel, she continued on and on and on...I simply responded "Look around..Did you not see other kids playing? Also, since when would kids catch pneumonia when they get wet". She started arguing louder and louder and I just shut the door in her face and retired...I couldn't take it anymore...

6. A month later, back home, my daughter was throwing a fit about watching some more TV. My wife scolded her for throwing a fit and I was telling my daughter that she should respect her mom and our rule about watching 30 minutes of TV. We had things in control, when my MIL walks in and starts scolding my daughter all over again for throwing a fit. I simply picked up my daughter and walked away.

7. The ultimate incident ...This and other incidents continued to fester inside of me and the next morning, I lost it. I told my wife to go tell her parents to shut up, mind their own business, they had their chance at raising kids and now let us do our job...I told my wife angrily ensuring my kids dont hear anything since they were right there eating breakfast "She's uneducated, superstitious and a bad influence on our children and I don't know what more I said...My wife lost it and complained to my MIL who was at that very time singing her bhajans...She completes her bhajans, storms into the kitchen where my kids are eating breakfast and starts yelling "What a stupid and idiotic man? How dare he try to tell us what to do? Who is he? etc...I was amazed at first...My kids are sitting right here... Can we not resolve this difference like grown people in the confines of a room outside of the kids purview...But the stupid guy that I am...I am thinking..I should not be taking this lying down...I was raised by good parents and always believed "Never fight in the presence of your kids"..But my temper got the better of me and I started yelling back "Shut up....". My MIL tells me to get out of the house. REMINDER: This is the house my wife and I bought. I yell back " YOu get out of this house"...It was just downhill from there...And then, my FIL comes up to me and punches me in the face. Before I could hit back, my wife stops me and begged me to calm down...I did..I broke down in tears..My MIL was crying..My kids are in a corner looking scared...Our house had gone to Hell....

This incident told me one thing...Keep my distance from my in-laws...Its been almost 2 years since we had that fight...I continue to speak very little with them..They continue to live with us. I only speak with them if necessary..Our interaction is very formal...And then...

8.. Last month, we organized our first vacation and I told my wife to coordinate the airtickets with her parents. My FIL started calling me "Asshole, Stupid, Jerk, since he felt that I should have invited them personally. I was keen on not being dragged into another argument so I simply laughed it off. I could hear him telling my wife that she is all f__ed up. I could also hear my MIL telling my FIL that he has every right to blame me since I am stupid and does not know how to respect elders. I am not surprised since that's just how my MIL is. She plays both sides of the team. I constantly wonder whether I am actually married into a family who might have grown up in the slums of Delhi and not some upscale apartment like they actually did. The language used when they argue is very foul...Back to this fight. We had one+ week of no interaction...

Currently, I continue to keep my distance with my in-laws and I like it this way...I know they hate it but I couldn't care less...

In conclusion, I would like some honest feedback on what did I do wrong and what can I do to ensure that my wife and kids have a better life and not continue to live in this gutter ...

Please also feel free to critique my behavior as well..

guesshoo · Jun 29, 2014

OP, you seem to be going through what several indian DILs go through with their MILs. It doesn't sound like they are setting a good example for your children with regards to respecting other people (younger or older) and interpersonal relationships. Talk to your wife about this. If they aren't willing to work on it, I don't see why they should stay with you and ruin the harmony at your place. Discuss this with your wife and arrive at a solution - an annexe for them/ separate apartment nearby/ back to India move...

Your kids surely will do fine if you find good breakfast clubs and after school clubs for them... It is important for them to have a good atmosphere at home and with at least 50% of the adults dissing their father, I doubt this is ok. Talk to your wife. Go for family counselling or just tell them straight that you do not deserve such disrespect in your own house. Ask them how they propose to work on it. And plan a vacation as just the four of you. Would surely help you bond.

god2014 · Jun 29, 2014

You are never a unhappy husband, ill treated sil.. You are happy as a father as a good husband, so the problem is only with the older people, which you can sort by first making your beloved wife understand the mistakes of her parents instead of complaining or telling them fully what you said. She needs correction, older people cannot be changed as they are used to, so make your wife realize that you feel bad for their behavior.
Better to stay away with hai and bye bye.... You just be normal to them don't show faces but maintain your distance.

yellowmango · Jun 29, 2014

Tell them to pack their bags.Your children deserve better .You deserve better.Tell your wife to inform them and give a time frame...

Laks09 · Jun 29, 2014

Your big mistake - Letting your in-laws move in and take things into their own hands. Rest of the issues are ripple effects. I don't see any reason for them to stick around. If any GPs need to spend time with their grand kids, they need to follow one simple rule, respect the DIL or SnIL. If not, they can learn the hard way, that they don't get access to grand kids. This rule does apply to both sets of parents. So yes, what are you waiting for? Their interference will take a toll on your marriage. Before you end up ruining your relationship with your wife, ask them to leave.

sweetypi · Jun 29, 2014

Your inlaws have crossed the bounds of decent behaviour. It's time for them to pack their bags. Having grandparents to come home from school to hardly compensates for your children witnessing their dad being assaulted or yelled at in his own home. Please do not subject yourself and your kids to this indignity any more.

jigisha321 · Jun 29, 2014

Your FIL punched you on your face !!!

I must say that you are a very patient man to tolerate their misbehaviour..talk to your wife and try to find out a way to create healthy environment at home..if your IL-s are physically fit, ask your wife to tell them to move to some other house nearby...

savithakartha · Jun 29, 2014

i totally agree tht older people cannot be changed. we can only remain silent in front of them and to sum extent ignore their talks!!. it is we who have to lead our lives and make lifes comfortable and happy for our spouse and kids. its traumatic for u to b not accepted and humiliated in front of kids and wife. so u could politely and sternly give the message to ur inlaws to leave and explain to them tht u would like to maintain peace and harmony in ur OWN home.take care and be positive .things will work out fine for u and your family.

geeta35 · Jun 29, 2014

I have read all of the above comments and I personally feel, before you ask them to pack their bags and leave, you must consider taking out some time to have a polite yet firm discussion with your in-laws at a time that is most comfortable for them too and when they are obviously in a good mood to listen to you, about how you feel with their unruly behavior and take them back to their good olden days when they had all the liberty to bring up their kids, the way they wanted to. Also, ask them about the wrongs they have seen in your kids or yourselves, which they think have been nurtured by your lack of control as parents or lack of knowledge or experience being parents. Ask them to cite examples. Be specific rather than talking in general.

If they genuinely are able to point some of the errors in bad parenting, pick up their advise and correct the same. But let them know that the way they handle matters have to be more logical and polite as kids look up at the seniors around and learn from them. Tell them you aren't happy at all with the foul language they use at such times.

However, if they are not able to cite anything genuine, tell them bluntly that it would be better to leave you, your wife and kids alone to handle the household matters as you wished and that their interference is only making matters worse.

Once this talk takes place, give them a month's time to see what happens and or how your life changes. If you believe at that point that nothing has changed since you spoke to them, consider discussing with your wife about either sending them back to India or changing their residence.

Hope this makes sense and I truly wholeheartedly pray you are able to solve this matter revolving your precious life and you soon become a happy husband from an unhappy one!

sheztheone · Jun 29, 2014

What steps has your wife taken to do damage control? I feel that she ought to step in and take some action as it relates to her parents.
Just the way we would expect the husband to intervene when the MIL and DIL have issues.