My SIL wants my child...please help

Sai14 · Jun 16, 2014

Dear ladies...though this is going to be long,I request you all to patiently read through and pass your suggestions & thoughts.

I have been married for 10 years now.i was very young when I got married.my SIL is 10 years older to me and 5 years younger to my husbsnd.it was an arranged marriage but me & my husband were deeply in love from the beginning.we were each other's world.my SIL left to USA for studies the next day we got married.(she was not married & my in laws & husband had sympathy for her that she was not married yet...she was 27 then)I was living the best time of my life with my husband.we lived with my in laws & they were nice too.i conceived after 6 months of my marriage.she visited us when I was 6 months pregnant.she got all the attention from my hubby & in laws but I didn't mind much since I too felt bad that she was not married yet.and may be I was getting my part of attention since I was pregnant.but yet I noticed that she got jealous when my hubby spoke to me lovingly in front of her.

when my baby was 6 months old,I went to visit her in US with my husbsnd.it was a 40 day trip.i was very happy that me & my hubby can get some private time since that was our first holiday after the baby was born.but this trip turned my life upside down.we hire a car every time we go to US since my hubby has business there.she came to the airport to receive us...as soon as she saw her brother she smiled & gave him a long hug.she just said Hi to me.we went to the car & my husband was to drive....he asked his sister to sit in the front next to him & told me sit behind.then we went to the hotel (she was living with her friends then).there were two twin beds in the room,my husband & SIL slept on one bed & I was made to sleep on the other bed that night (they still do this).the next day was my hubby's B'day (the first birthday we were together after we got married)as I was new to the place,my SIL arranged a cake for him through his friend.he cuts the cake & the feeds the first piece to her not even thinking of me.these are just a few examples of how I have been treated since that trip.i was never given any importance as his wife when she is around.i felt very bad for months together & finally decided I can't change people.so I changed myself by trying to love my husbsnd lesser so that I won't have any expectations on him.and I was hoping things will settle down after she gets married.

But my worst nightmare started then.she loves my son too much to an extent that she is obsessed with him.she doesn't have kids yet though she is almost 40 & never had any health issues.from the beginning,every time she meets my son,it's like she is in charge of him.i cannot even hold him for sometime & if I do,my in laws & hubby get upset along with her.she asks her brother that all of us should visit her every summer spending so much money & the wish is granted.every such trip is a torture camp for me.she behaves like its a holiday just for her & my son & everyone else is ok with that.my son has to go where ever she goes.when I look back & see the pictures from all those trips,I am not even there.i was putting up with all this only because I didn't want to hurt my husband.but she has become uncontrollable.when my son was 5,she told him that she is his mother...he was totally confused.she asked my husbsnd & me several times to give away my son to her.she flares up with jealous if my son kisses or hugs me in front of her.i have waited for 10 long years hoping that she will have kids some day & change.but I lost all hopes now as she is almost 40.

i am upset with my husband too.he always liked his sister more than me.when I try to explain him all this,he either screams at me without even listening or says I am being insecure.he travels very often to the US on business where she lives & he won't even talk to me well on phone when he is with her.my mother in law was the sweetest ever but my SIL changed her too with her jealousy.i emotionally lost my MIL & hubby because of her & I don't want to lose my child.i am pregnant now again & petrified about what she will do with this baby too.

please help by giving your suggestions.i have one major question to all of you...Is this woman wrong or am I over reacting?because my husband says I am insecure.how would you all react to such incidents?

thank you.

yellowmango · Jun 16, 2014

Grown up brother sister sleeping on one bed while wife sleeps on another!!!!!Wow!!!!!
Her calling herself your son's mother!!!(it is one thing to say you are like my child...but to say I am your mother is sick!!!) sick!!!
Her asking to adopt your son....not acceptable.

Your husband completely ignoring you in her presence ...that happens with some guys...God knows why....

No you are not over reacting. Tell her to adopt a child if she is so keen on a child.

gauridinesh · Jun 16, 2014

Is your SIL still unmarried? (I am sorry if you had mentioned it..But I may have missed it). I am assuming yes. In that case, whats the relationship of her and her husband?
Next time she remarks of giving up your son to her, look into her eyes and tell very firmly - " I bore him and gave birth to him. No mom can even think of giving up her kid. Its equivalent to death for a mom". Be stern and serious. Do not bother about hurting her or your husband.

And I second YM on the sleeping on the same bed as bro too. I mean, its really out of limits . Hats off to you to bearing this much. Absolutely not overreacting.

manisantha · Jun 16, 2014

hi
this is un tolerable..cant imagine all this but its very emotional torture.
although no physical abuse..
hmm its yr son n how you bring up.
you definetley need a lot of wisdom to deal this.
you should not lose yr husband or mil but u definitely drawaline from yr sil interference.
please visit a family counselor in yr area..they will definitely help you as th ey wud hav dealt lot of cases like this

god2014 · Jun 16, 2014

Absolutely not over reacting, if you don't react to this then what is this, your husband if she likes his sister, OK fine then let him advice his sister to go for adoption. To bear a child and give to his sister was the reason why he married you or what. Such things happening what's your husband's parents dad and mom doing.
Some psychological issues with your sister. Its not jealous some thing above that strange. No two grown up married male and female though a sister and brother would sleep together, having wife beside him.

To your son if she is poisoning then don't allow this to happen. Tell that you want to visit your parents, stay with them for some time for a change. Also make your mil understand this scrappy thing what her daughter did. Also ask her would she give off her son if someone asks. This sil character needs to be taken to doctor. Your husband needs to be made to understand what height of stupid things he is doing by encouraging her.

MrsBV · Jun 16, 2014

weirdest brother-sister relationship till now. Whats up with the two of them sharing a bed? i am sorry but that itself raises a red flag and come on is your husband so stupid that he is allowing his sister to continue to live in her own fantasies where she is the mother of your child. All i can say is set your boundaries to them, let your husband and in-laws know it is not ok for you if she continues to behave like this. you have the full right to stop her from seeing him if she continues with this behavior. take a stand and talk to your husband before this becomes an uncontrollable situation.

Choty · Jun 16, 2014

You are not overreacting. Next time when she asks about your son, You should say NO to her.

Grown up Bro and Sis sleeping on one bed with wife on another ? WTH ?? notdonesmiley

First talk to your husband reg your son..

FromMars · Jun 16, 2014

Say NO. No to your MIL, to your DH and to your SIL. Say NO when they want you to travel to her, say NO when she tries to hog your child and NO when she says she is the mother of your child.

There is a limit for everything and this is way past it. You don't deserve such treatment. If your DH values you, let him find a way to fix your concerns. If not, let him go live with his sister.

RedRuby · Jun 16, 2014

You are not overreacting in fact you are a very patient person who didnt react for a long time in situation where lot of other women would have reacted for sure.

Is she married? If not is there some problem with her that she is not?
Next time try to assure you will stay as a family in one bedroom and she in another, dont even share the same room with her anymore if possible - to assure she understands clear borderlines.

Tell your son that he is right to be confused as what his aunty says is wrong and would confuse everyone.

Ask your Mil how she would have felt if she was asked by her Sil to give her son to her and so on... if being so streight forward would strain your relationship to her just tell these lines your husband how he would have felt as a child if seperatet from mother and given to his aunty instead. Such talks are highly inapropriate. What about suggesting the adoption of a child in front of all of them or to your Mil when you are alone? I mean in a concernd manner your Sil could suffer from being child-less so you suggest that to fill her heart with the warmth of a mother as you know how much it means to be a mother.... just to show concern for her not being a mother yet, to show it might have affected her character or behavior (tell very carefully in caring manner) and it would be too a great thing for your children to have cousins.. plus the whole whom will care about her in olden days my children are so attached to us she should have own children who are so attached to her that they will take care in olden days like your son is for you from full heart...play bit politics here....

About what to tell your Sil: that you understand fully that she misses to be a mother and she is a great aunt, from how loving she is as aunt you would imagine her as great mother so you suggest adoption to channel all this love she has. If she replies she has your son you tell her streight but he is "Just" your nephew and you wish so much she will experience the love a mother receives as a aunt you wont get that but as mother love is complete different leve - just to put her in her place that 1. she will never be as much loved by your son as you are. 2. She should have an own child to express such love and receive. 3. Making her understand that you understood what is going on and you are not willing to share your child wich will not happen anywhays.
If she starts to talk such nonsense to you again - confront her. Ask her streight why she is acting like that. Dont go into explanation mode: make HER explain why she is like this.

Next time you visit her make your own plans with your kids. Dont allow her to force your son to be glued to her all the time. NEVER feel bad if you kiss hug or cuddle your child, if you want to carry arround your baby and feed it- do it, dont give it to her. Say streight forward you are the mother so this is your duty / right.

About hubby: I would have an open talk to him. Let him know you respect and love his sister but she crosses borderlines with such behavior. Dont be shy in talking to him. Inform him that you feel its great option for her to go for adoption as she has so much motherly-love in her to share and you suggest this because you care for her too and you are afraid she might be jealous of the love you receive from your children. As its already late (she elder) its high time to react otherwise she might get heavy-heartet as she cant have a child for her own.

This is all just my 5 :my2cents and might completely wrong or useless advices for you, still wish you all the best and congratulations to your pregnancy enjoy this time

JustLikeYou · Jun 16, 2014

Husband and SIL sleeping in one bed even in the absence of the wife is the weirdest thing that i have heard of and that too when the wife sleeps on a separate one? It's some sort of perversion or what?

1. Don't go to visit her when the rest of then go. You plan your own vacation may be go to your parents with your son. Avoid seeing your SIL.

2. Next time when she tries to be a mother to your son, say loudly and clearly to your son that "I am your mother and she is your aunt. You have to have respect for her but you dont have to see her as a mother figure. You dont have to have the same feeling that you have for me towards her".

3. When your SIL wants to adopt tell her, " Adopt a child that doesnt have a mother"

4. Try to cut her off from your life.

5. Reg., your husband, what does he think of SIL and her husband?