Dear Mothers,Please lend me your ears!

Dear Mothers Please lend me your ears!

Just as I was trying to catch a nap,I heard a huge arguement in my neighbour’s house.I thought the neighbour’s newly married daughter,Uma must have come home.My surmise was right.It was Uma’s voice only.She was loudly wailing,”Every morning,this is the same problem,Amma.I have to pack lunch box for every one right from my father in law to my brother in law’s youngest son.Do you know it totals up to 13 lunch boxes!And then I have to get ready to go to school.My back is breaking,you know?”.
“Why should you pack lunch for your brothr in law’s children.Your co sister, what is she doing,she has to take care of her husband and her children.You are mad,you tell your mother in law that you are not a servant in that house….”Uma’s ,mother continued in this fashion.
Uma,my neighbour’s daughter got married last year.Uma is a teacher in a school and her husband is working in a bank.When the marriage was finalized,Uma’s parents were very happy that they could get a good alliance for Uma.Uma’s father in law was working for a private firm,Uma’s husband had two elder brothers and two elder sisters all of them married and the married brothers lived with their parents.Uma’s co sisters were also employed so they were a well to do family.One could see at the time of the marriage, the way they conducted themselves and the way they were mingling with each other that they were a happy family.I was happy for Uma, for she is a very sweet child.
The relationship between the two families were hunky dory, immediately after the marriage.Since both the families lived in Chennai,there were frequent visits between both the family members.Uma would come home every Sunday or Saturday,she would usually bring some sweet or other which they made in her in law’s house.I knew because she would bring for me also,whatever she brought for her parents.Uma’s parents were singing the praise of Uma’s in laws.They were very nice to Uma,Uma was treated like a princess in their house,Uma’s MIL was a devi and so on and so forth.
Slowly,ever so slowly the cracks started appearing.One day Uma came to her parents house,dull and sad looking.Even though I did not want to overhear any private onversation in their house,I could not help it the wall between the two portions being thin.”Amma,this is becoming too much,my elder co sister does not do any kitchen work She gets up in the morning,gets ready to office,I have to serve her breakfast and maharani,leaves for office.My mother in law says,”poor thing she works so hard in the office”,Am I going to school to sleep there?”
“Her husband dotes on her.Not only that, when these go out, I have to take care of their two children.Am I an ayah to them”She was ranting and raving.
I thought Uma’s mother being a sensible woman, would just keep quiet or change the subject.But no,Uma’s mother immediately sprang up,”Did you keep quiet.You should tell her, that you are also going out,so you wont be able to take care of them.Why should you serve her breakfast,you keep everything on the table,she will serve herself.You don’t know how to manage these people.”
She did not stop with that.She continued,”Did you tell your husband about this?You should tell him.Then only he will know what is happening at home.”
In this fashion mother would continue giving advice to her daughter and kindle her already angry mood.
Soon the cracks in the relationship between the families became wider.Before the cracks appeared, whenever Uma’s mother in law came home ,Uma’s mother Saraswathi would give her a royal welcome,she would invariably make some sweet in honour of her visit however much that lady protested Saraswathi would accompany Uma’s MIL on the latter’s shopping trips also.
But of late when Uma’s MIL came home, she got a luke warm welcome from Saraswathi.She stopped making sweet items for them when they came home,she indirectly sent a message that they were not hsappy with the treatment meted out to U ma in thir house.
Uma’s complaints increased everytime she visited her mother’s house.Uma is the eldest in their family,they were very attached to her,particularly the mother.Slowly she started telling Uma to take a separate house for themselves and not to continue in the joint family.I don’t know what transfired in Uma’s in law’s house.Uma’s father in law himself fixed up a nice house for them.On theday Uma and her husband boilt milk in the new house as is the custom ,the entire family accompanied them and did the puja etc.
Two weeks passed.Uma came to her mother’s house one day in a very sullen mood.She said to her mother,”Amma, I think what I did was wrong.I should not have gone and told my husband about the small, small matters that happened at home.Now he is sad and I am also sad,because my mother in law is a nice person you know?”Her voice broke.
Sarawathi said,”But U ma she treated you badly,you were complaining all the time….”
Uma was angry,’Amma,I complained to you,I told you all my problems.But I did not want any advice from you Amma.You should have kept quiet you know.Who asked you to interfere in our family matters?”
On hearing this Saraswathi’s face must have changed colour,though I was not physically present in their house,I could feel the heat in the atmosphere.
Uma continued, “Just because I shared my problems with you,there was no need for you to be rude to my mother in law,you know.You stopped talking to her properly,you stopped making sweets for her which you used to make for her.Do you know she was very hurt.”
Uma started crying,”My brother in law has got a transfer to Pune.My brother in law,my co sister and the children will be going away.I will miss them, you know,they were so nice to me.My co sister used to give me all her sarees to wear and I used to call my brother in law as Anna, you know,oh,Iam going to miss them, you know…”Uma started crying.Hearing her words from this side of the wall, my heart melted.So must have been Sarraswathi’s heart.She said in a small tone,”Uma,I think you have to go back and live with your in laws only”.
“We are going to do just that”,said darling Uma,”I have already sent our things to my in laws’place”
Uma told her mother before leaving for her house,”Amma,if I have any problems in my in law’s house,I will tell you only amma.Who else will listen to me and who else will understand me other than you?I will continue to confide in you Amma,but you just listen to me.I want you to be my sounding board, just to listen to me, that’s all.Once I pour my heart out to you I become Ok,but you don’t fight my battles for me amma.Ultimately I have to live happily with my husband and my in laws.If I get wrong advice from you I get confused and I also behaved in a foolish fashion.”
I could hear Saraswathi sobbing softly.I could almost see Uma hugging her mother and consoling her.

Uma left her mother’s house in a peaceful frame of mind.

My dear friends,The advice that Uma gave her mother holds good for all mothers and all fathers.Parents bring up their daughters with lot of love knowing pretty well that one day the daughter will go to her in law’s house.So when the daughter comes home and tells them that all is not well or the in laws said such and such a thing the parents particularly the mothers hurt.The mother imagines that her daughter is suffering in her in law’s house and butts in guiding her daughter and taking her side and in that process, making things worse for her daughter .

My dear mothers,I have done it,you might have done it.But let us learn from our mistakes.Next time your daughter comes home and tells you her nitty gritty problems in her in law’s place,just listen to her.Dont give any unsolicited, uncalled for and unnecessary advice.Please don’t fan her anger or discontent and add fuel to the fire.

Don’t cocoon your daughter. She will make adjustments in her in laws family without your well meaning interference.Be a good friend to her .Thats all.
Water will find its level, my friend,in the meanwhile,just let her live her life and be happy.

 

Dear kaluputti,
I have seenothers misleading their children,boys and girls.I have seen parents interfering in their children's day to day life also even by phone.I have seen marriages breaking because of this interference on the part of the parents.I have been wanting to talk about this and hence this thread.Happy that you liked it .
mithila kannan

 

Wow Ammukutty,
Congrats,you have a wonderful mother.I wish you all the best,my regards to that Mother of all Mothers ie your mother.
mithila kannan