1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Inlaws Parents Conflict

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by LifeIsWhew, Apr 20, 2014.

  1. LifeIsWhew

    LifeIsWhew New IL'ite

    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    I wasn't sure if this should go in the parents forum or inlaws forum as it involves both. Anyways here it goes. Please be patient as the post might turn into a lengthy one.

    Background:

    A few years after my marriage my inlaws had some problems with my parents. My parents and I kinda know the reason but they have never openly told anyone what their issue with my parents is. Anyways it is all because of a figment of their imagination and nothing that really happened. Since both of them live in different cities there is hardly any interaction. My inlaws completely stopped calling my parents and my parents occasionally call them (once in 3-4 months) just to inquire about their well being.

    All this inlaws drama and politics is very new to me & my family. We have only seen them in daily soaps and were quite surprised to see that people think and act this way in this day and age.

    I would put my MIL in the mean, nasty and vile category. I have certainly not gone through what some of the other indus ladies go through at the hands on their inlaws - ie. physical and financial abuse - but lot of passive aggressive attacks. My inlaws are upper middle class, educated, professional people and their behaviour at times is incomprehensible to me. My MIL knows when push comes to shove I wont take things lying down.

    The Issue:

    My parents wanted to visit a temple with us as a family. They mentioned this to my inlaws for the past couple of years so that we could plan the trip during our vacation to India. My inlaws always gave some excuse and avoided that. Infact they never even mentioned to me that my parents had approached them about this - though I knew about it from my parents. So this time I decided to make it happen by bringing up the topic myself. But before that my parents asked my inalws for the 4th time and they refused AGAIN. So when I spoke to them I insisted and said I want to go this time. My inlaws reluctantly agreed but then started planning the whole trip by themselves without even involving or consulting my parents which was ok with all of us as long we could go this time. A few of my relatives from my dad's side wanted to join us and when I mentioned this to PILs they said the tickets are already booked and nothing can be done now. To which I said thats not an issue they will book their tickets but still will be accompanying us. My MIL tried to give lot of other excuses as to why they were not welcome but I calmly counter answered all her excuses. She was royally POed though she didn't say anything - just hung up the phone. I called my mom and asked her if those relatives will come for sure as I had just picked up a fight (which will probably turn in a battle) with my inlaws for them. My mom assured me that they will come and that we will book their tickets separately if my inlaws could not do it. She also complained about how it was their plan to begin with but they were not even consulted on the dates and travel plans. I messaged my FIL asking if there is something he can do cos I could sense my MIL was so angry when I suggested that we will book their tickets from our end. Then my mom calls me up saying my dad thinks its better if the relatives don't come if that upsets my inlaws.

    So here I picked up a fight with my inlaws for an issue and now my parents are conveniently backing out of it making me seem like a bad person. I was so upset at my mom over the phone and told her that this is what I get for doing things for them and her exact words were 'what did you do for US'? She said even I wanted to get this done this time and I did it for myself and not just for them. I cannot put in words what I am going through. My husband thinks I am right in feeling betrayed but this should be a lesson and I should learn not to fight others battles. My mom is not a bad person. She is extremely patient, sacrificing lady but she also thinks she is never wrong. I hung up the phone on her and haven't called her back. I know she might call me in a few days but pretend like nothing happened (which is what she always does).

    Help:

    1. Does anyone think I am over reacting. There is more background to it which I cannot write in one single post.

    2. I do want to approach the topic if and when she calls but don't know the right way to do it.

    3. My inlaws are 100% wrong but it does me no good when I fight someone elses battles. At the same time I cant bear to see them insult my parents like this.
     
    Loading...

  2. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,786
    Likes Received:
    7,303
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    I can see your point and also your dad's point of not making it more unpleasant than your mil is making them.

    It does happen with my pArents too - they back off if they sense unpleasantness. And think that from their end they will be nice and accommodating - I can't help but wonder if it is merely because they are the girl's parents. It is not their fault; just their social conditioning. This excuse makes it easier for me to take. So don't be upset. And my dad is "always right" too. And I am "too young and inexperienced" to know about how the world operates. Sigh!

    In this case, if I were in your shoes, I would have done the following. (This comes after years of wisdom!!)
    1. Told mil firmly that it was wrong to have booked tickets without proper consultation.
    2. Told them directly to cancel booking and rebook for a more convienient time. (I've done this)
    3. Not told parents about any of this drama knowing they would just want to make peace whatever be it. I would gloat to them after the affair though.

    About this particular episode, just so you are at peace, I suggest you talk to your mum. Just remember you didn't fight for your parents. You fought because you wanted to assert yourself after all the pettiness your mil has been putting your family through. You were not wrong but our parents are from a different generation where brushing things under the carpet works beautifully. Don't be cross with your folks.

    If it ever comes up with your mil that you fought with her for people who didn't even come, you tell her politely but directly that since she was being childish and making it very unpleasant, your folks decided not to bring your relatives - which is a shame. Sift through and lay the blame where it belongs.
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. VaniVyas

    VaniVyas Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,609
    Likes Received:
    1,963
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Why do u take this so much to heart?? Ur parents backed out because they were not informed anything about the travel. U don't have to feel otherwise, they had no intension to hurt you. If your in laws had created so much fuss about dates, travelling etc then image the problems that could occur during journey. Ur mother did a sensible thing according to me. If I would have been in ur place, I would have asked my parents not to come. Since ur dad s side are also coming, ur mother have to take care of them, ur in laws and esp,... u since u will be easily effected by all this trauma.
     
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    A plan involving travel and vacation with both sets of parents is asking for trouble .Did your parents want this visit to be with you both and in laws? Seriously???

    Why did your parents keep asking for your in laws consent so many times when they knew in laws were not keen. they should have made a trip plan with your family in "your time share with them"

    If I were in your place...I would just cancel the trip and instead plan two short trips separately with the two set of parents.
     
  5. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,403
    Likes Received:
    2,635
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    ^^ THIS !! I make sure my parents and inlaws never talk to each other ever. However, I must admit that I smartened up after a number of instances where my darling MIL twisted things and my blind &deaf husband fought with me over them!

    your dad said relatives are not coming along? Good for you! What if ur mil creates drama in front of your relatives! Izzat katchra!!
     
  6. LifeIsWhew

    LifeIsWhew New IL'ite

    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    @ guesshoo: Thank you so much. Your post gave me a different perspective on things. Yes my parents always back off and bow down and in their words - we are the girl's parents and cannot behave the way they do. Not that they would have done it had they been the boy's parents.

    During this whole incident I was always thinking that I made a fool of myself by sticking up for people who don't mind being treated badly. I fought for my relatives and at the end of it they backed off making me look like a bad person. But your suggestion on how to reply to my MIL if she does bring this up makes more sense because that is the truth. The reason why my relatives are not coming now is because of the childishness and immature behavior of my inlaws.

    As far as being upset with my parents - that I still am. Two wrongs doesn't make a right. My inlaws were wrong but my parents were wrong to put me in the middle of it when they had no intentions of standing up to my in-laws.

    Thanks once again
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. LifeIsWhew

    LifeIsWhew New IL'ite

    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    @ VaniVyas - I cannot ask my parents not to come as it was their wish to visit the temple.

    @ yellowmango - I agree that any trip with both set of parents is trouble. Especially the relations that my parents and inlaws have with each other. My parents did not necessarily want my inlaws on the trip but they felt that informing my inlaws and inviting them is the 'right' thing to do. If they had said they could not make it for any reason then we were planning to go by ourselves (meaning my parents, husband and I). I also know there would have been another big drama if they were not even invited to begin with.

    There is no time share with them as it is a very short trip and we are working on a time crunch.

    @tulipzz - My mil will definitely create drama whether my dads relatives are there or no. That is expected. But even if they were there it is not my izzat ka kachra its her izzat ka kachra - which btw she has done before and embarrassed herself. I don't give a damn if she creates drama in front of everyone. Even better for me if the world sees her true colors.
     
  8. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,403
    Likes Received:
    2,635
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Hun, you don't give a damn. But I'm sure your parents do. They obviously don't want drama in front of their relatives. Hence your dad's wise decision of cancelling the relatives plan.
     
  9. LifeIsWhew

    LifeIsWhew New IL'ite

    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    My dad's wise decision was not because my Mil would embarrass them with her behavior. It was because they didn't book the tickets to begin with and were pretty open about how they did not want anyone else on this trip. Had my in-laws been OK with our relatives coming, my dad would have had no problems - whether MIL decides to misbehave or no.

    Anyways my issue is not with my dad. Because my dad always ignores the bad and rude behavior of my in-laws. At the same time he doesn't complain about them to me nor does he expect me to do anything on his behalf.

    My mom on the other hand knew I had picked up a fight with my in-laws for her but completely back peddled when things started getting hot leaving me to deal with the fire. That is my issue.

    When my in-laws avoided going to the temple and ignored their requests the last few times, my dad gave up on the idea. It was my mom who was insistent because she had a 'mannat' to visit the temple and she felt it was not my in-laws call to take whether we visit the temple or no.

    So my point is if she so strongly feels about something then she needs to stand up for it and not make me the scapegoat. She acts like she doesn't mind being the sacrificial lamb because she is the girl's mom and cannot throw her weight around my in-laws. So if that is the case why instigate the daughter to stand up against them and make matters worse for me?

    So here I am:

    1. My inlaws are angry with me as I stood up for my parents.
    2. My parents at this point feel I should not have picked up a fight with my inlaws when my mom was the one who instigated me to do so. So they have asked me to fend for myself.
    3. Thank God for a supportive husband.
     

Share This Page