Too angry and frustrated.....

Dear Anika

please relax.

Since you are really upset and have not clearly mentioned your problems, this is what I suggest be courage and learn to stand up for yourself . Read some of posts in IL by courageous dil who knows to handle the bossy, manipulative, cunning pil either diplomatically or the other way.

When FIL yells at you stop him then and there. Tell him straight to his face to stop shouting at you. Why do you need dh's mouth piece.

When your pil are insulting you, there are two choices- ignore or answer back.

I see you mil knows you well, her nasty comments about you makes you uneasy and you obey her. Don't start folding her clothes when she asks you to do. Change your character, make your decisions and stick on to it. If you feel like relaxing or reading a book DO IT.

Kids will get matured as they grow up don't worry. When kids are around no doubt home will be a mess. Teach them to help you keep the home clean.

 

Honey, I will try to give you some guidance regarding house work.

Spend 1hr in the morning cooking. Cook for both lunch and dinner. If ur ppl eat rotis, bring frozen rotis. Keep the subzi etc simple. If they think it's too simple for their taste, tell them, sorry this is what we all eat everyday.

Spend 30mins in the EVENING to clean. Don't clean in the mornings. Your husband sees amessy house, goes to work, comes back to a messy house. You get my point? Clean just before your husband comes. Don't spend more than 30mins. 15mins to quickly put away things and 15 mins to vaccuum. That's it.

Now spend 30mins on laundry and loading dishwasher. Buy two cheap laundry baskets. Put ur inlaws washed laundry in one basket and put in in their room.

You are perhaps thinking - what if I can't finish all this in the said time? Don't beat yourself - learn to speed up. Get a timer and see if you can do it faster than the previous week. Set reasonable targets. Do what you can in those 2hrs and relax.

The moment your husband leaves the house, drop everything and relax.

Don't treat inlaws like guests. Treat them like ur mom and dad.....do you bend backwards when your parents are around ? Serve them 24/7? No! Just let inlaws be like that. If they don't like it, they have a choice. Your house is not a hotel honey, you are not a servant!

When they shout at you, look in their eyes straight and tell them firmly not to shout at you.

 

if you are not bold, it's okay Hun. You can still handle things without confrontation.

Do what you can (house work) and ignore them completely. If you ignore them, they will kick up a fuss. Don't give in. Do what you can and continue to ignore.

 

Let DH handle his parents. He apologizes, falls at their feet, does anything. It's not your headache. Make it VERY clear every time they shout - SHOUTING AT ME IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. What happens after that is not your problem. If fil beats mil, it's their prob. Not yours.

You say it and completely ignore the consequences.

Tell your DH that looking after parents does not meaning letting them abuse his wife. Physical, verbal abuse will NOT be tolerated

 

Tulipzz has given excellent advice.
Next time your PILs start their drama, if you are not comfortable answering back just leave the place, go to your room and shut the door. Repeat as needed. They will eventually back off. They are bullying you since they see you as an easy target.
There is simply no need to wait on them hand and foot. Prepare food and leave it on the table. Tea or coffee can be made and left in a thermos. You are not a short-order cook.
Are you children still little or do they go to school? If they are still at home and you drive, try to schedule activities outside the home. There will be some free activities at the local libraries or join a local mom's group. This will help them burn off energy and give you an excuse to escape for a few hours.
Start making yourself a priority as well. This is one thing we all neglect while taking care of others. Just a simple routine of using some nice lotions and face products everyday and wearing bright cheerful clothes can lift your mood.
If you want to relax with a cup of tea and a book, do it! It is your home after all. Put on some headphones to tune out any nonsense.
With kids do not give too much importance to having a magazine-ready house. Get a few large storage bins and slowly teach them to put away their toys after playing. Out of sight, out of mind for stuff is fine.
I know these things are easier said than done, but try to make small changes consistently.You cannot change others behaviour too much, but it will help you feel better.
Bullies only prey on the weak.You have to stand up for yourself. Start slow and steady. It has worked for your co-sis, and it will work for you.

 

is relation with co-sis good? next time ask her details of what she did. Ask in admiring voice like 'cosis you are so great, how did you say, then what did you say, what happened then' like that. Get her to open up and talk. From this you will know specific weak points of your mil and fil and what minimum is needed to shut them up. eg., one my friend mil is tea addict. no matter what if she prepare tea and give, her mil gets happy and shut up or cools down a bit.

Dont worry about being bold. Bold is not needed here. Just dont wait till they r fully angry to tell them not to shout. As soon as you notice the tone change begin, you can warn them in a soft voice that if they start shouting you will simply go away from there. Then go away without waiting to see result. Do this couple times. They will tell you in milder tone after that. They cant get upset as you didnt shout or confront.

 

I loved Tulipzz 's suggestions.
If you can't argue with them ...then don't. If they shout...just say "don't shout at me"in a firm,loud and angry voice and then just walk away. don't wait for them to respond.Even if they start answering back....just look firmly and walk out.If required...go to your room close the door.

Tell your husband about the abuse .Let him sort it out. He can either tell them to stop or tell them to stay in their home and not visit.Don't worry about the dramas....if you ignore they will stop.