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Is it better to stay abroad to avoid in-laws' dramas ?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by persecutedDIL, Apr 18, 2014.

  1. persecutedDIL

    persecutedDIL Gold IL'ite

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    Ladies, I have been posting my in-laws woes all these months here and am unable to decide on the next course of action. Because of all my sufferings, I felt that it is better to stay abroad and avoid weekly dramas of my in-laws. But, when I read the vents of all the NRI ladies here, I feel even such ladies are not at peace due to their in-laws. Some have reported how they are treated as easy-ATMs by their in-laws and how they dread visits by their inlaws because they are taken for granted.

    Pros:
    1.) Can avoid daily dramas of in-laws and the extended family
    2.) Can maintain greater marital privacy (intimacy) and emerge as a stronger family unit
    3.) Would have more time for oneself and family, and hubby would have greater time for us and the kids
    4.) Can avoid interference in non-trivial as well as trivial matters and stop them from controlling us

    Cons:
    1.) Treated as a free ATM doling out whopping amounts and everyone asserts rights on this supposedly free money
    2.) Can still control our lives by daily phone calls and long distance dramas
    3.) If they visit abroad, it would be for the entire duration of the visa which is almost 6 months, unlike in India, and despite any and every hurting dramas one cannot escape them for 6 months - these esp happen during the pregnancy of the DIL
    4.) On certain dependent visas, it may be very difficult to get a job for oneself thus the DIL may have to sacrifice her career for a long time
    5.) If there are any major issues with DH due to ILs or otherwise, you have no one to go to, no emotional succour.
    6.) One might feel homesick and cut off from own family and own country. Thus staying abroad only to avoid in-law dramas may not be the best option.

    What are your thoughts esp NRI ladies ? Please comment on each of the above pros and cons. Please add any new points you deem appropriate so that we can weigh the pros against the cons and come to a conclusion. Also, please point out if there is a certain phase in our married lives when it works to stay abroad and when it doesn't!
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2014
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  2. Sneheth

    Sneheth Bronze IL'ite

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    Where ever you go in this world mental tensions of IL follows you.Just to avoid IL no need to search remote places.Having stayed in USA on h4 for 6 years I missed my parents,friends who are very gud in there career now,no strong bonding with dh,no career,IL feeding to dh everyday which caused many fights,no hold on financial matters,no support from anyone and still dependent.Its like a jail but have to give a smile to outer world.Just a free nanny and cook.
    Now you decide if you want this life.
     
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  3. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    Maybe the fact that my husband is supportive of me and understands me is why having In-laws visit or even potentially live with us permanently in future is tolerable. So I would come to the conclusion that the only way to have a peaceful co-existence with inlaws is if your husband is supportive of you
     
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  4. persecutedDIL

    persecutedDIL Gold IL'ite

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    Hi DKI, Thank you so much for your detailed response. Regarding the below, I don't have issues with hubby's parents visiting us were we to be abroad. Obviously they would.The issue is with the duration of their stay. Imagining having to stay with 6 months and being treated as an errand-boy running around in the house and missing out on all intimacy with my hubby added to interference in all matters would totally tear apart our married life in just one stay of theirs - that is, whatever strength as a family we would have achieved by staying apart would all be lost in a jiffy. That is my bigger worry.
    Well, I didn't mean it in this sense. one can always go to one's parents and get that feeling of emotional succour and support even without saying a single word.
    If only it were in my control. The fact is that my DH is not supportive of me, esp where in-laws are concerned that I have been toying with the idea of moving abroad. Otherwise, why move abroad if one is happy in the country?
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2014
  5. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks for this post. I am at this juncture where I need to decide if I want to stay abroad and return to India.
    When I think of all the dramas that PILs will create when I go back is the only thing that is holding me back. But I feel really bad when I think that my mom and dad are missing out on my kid's childhood and the fun associated with it. Plus they are alone and need me around too.
    I have not yet decided what to do..But this thread sure gave me some perspective..
     
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  6. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    You have mentioned some valid points....But the grass is always greener on the other side...both Desi bahus and NRI bahus face some problem or the other, no matter where they live & how far their in-laws live from them...
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2014
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  7. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP,
    I agree with all the points that DKI has made. I am one DIL who has lived in a joint family in India, out of India and in nuclear family in and out of India.
    I can tell you the pros and cons that I experienced in each situation-
    Living in JF in India-
    Pros- You are closer to your own family too. You can have a life outside your home. You can socialize with your friends minus your ILs.
    Cons-too much control. Everyday is a struggle. ILs have huge support from their kith and kin. so they collectively control you. You have uninvited guests all the time.
    Living in a JF out of India-
    pros-Your ILs in a foreign land can not control you as much as they can in India, because there is not that much direct involvement from others.
    Cons- Indian ladies abroad (generally) can not understand IL issues and they will side with your ILs whenever they get a chance. Ladies who spend 15 days in two years with their ILs believe that living with ILs permanently can not be any different.You are expected to take your ILs everywhere with you, even to your friends' homes. You just can not have a private outing with only your DH.
    Living in NF in India-
    Pros- You can be closer to your side of family. You have more job options. Domestic help.
    Cons- Relatives still try to control you. Ils can drop in, whenever they want to.
    Living in NF abroad-
    Pros- You have relatively more freedom. Even if ILs try to control you through phone etc., you get upset for sometime, but can return to normal soon, unless the ILs do it relentlessly.
    Cons-If your DH is an only son, you always live in the fear that you might be forced to live in a JF any day.
     
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  8. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    Being an errand boy / girl / robot comes with the territory. First two times inlaws visited I was not working, last time I was working and this time when they come too I will be working. Regardless of what my job situation is my days began at 5.30am and ended around midnight. It was better as a working woman because I escaped for 8 hours each day.

    MIL and FIL would NEVER have morning coffee and breakfast at the same time. One would always wait for the other to be done before asking me to prepare breakfast for them (even if it is cereal, it has to be placed before them or else they won't eat)
    Coffee has to be made one cup at a time. If I make coffee for 2 of them together MIL will complain
    During their first trip here, I ended up with a fracture on my foot. That did not stop them from this same behaviour, and they were only concerned that the planned NY/DC trip would not happen because of my fracture.
    We learn over time how to tackle them....for me if I want MIL to not bother me in the kitchen, all I have to do is ask her to show me how to cook something. Fear that I will make her actually cook makes her say 'u already cook it well, so why are you asking me?" WORKS everytime :)
     
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  9. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    In short, for the privacy/freedom from relatives....the price has to be paid in $$$$.

    Every time, nephews/nieces go for higher studies, marriage or birth in the family, or someone is hospitalized, a "dip" from NRI fund has to be made.

    Glad that, I am at the giving end rather than at the receiving end. Mom or MIL, the attitude is the same, 'how much I can get, this time?' Once the money is withdrawn from the "ATM", they don't even bother to acknowledge the "gift" is received. I guess, nobody says "thank you" to the ATMs.
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2014
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  10. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    I don't think it is as much an in-law problem than the social infrastructure and security that our country provides versus U.S. (I cannot speak for other countries).

    In India, there is no concept of privacy and security for women and all problems stem from this. Here in US, if there is a domestic disturbance a woman can pack her bags even at 10 pm and check into a holiday inn - no questions asked (of course provided she has the money). In India, the woman can have all the gold and cash and property but is still very dependent on friends and relatives. If in-laws start nagging and whining and complaining at 10 pm there is no place to go. Here in US, you can even go out and sleep in your car! And no man or his family would dare to bring his wife back in by force. If they create a scene either you call the cops or your neighbor will.

    Men and their families are simply taking advantage of the situation in our country. The day that changes, things will be very different.
     
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