how did you feel when your in-laws moved in with you???

shobhamumbaikar · Apr 16, 2014

This question is a little irrelevant for me as my in laws did live with us from the beginning only. When i came after marriage i came in a house that, though baught by dh, is equally theirs in fact a lot more theirs than ours.

But still i am asking this because after a few years of my marriage my inlaws moved out and moved in with my married sil..stayed there for the long time during which there were things like my dh's serious and prolonged illness, my pregnancy, complication, bed rest, child birth and almost the first year of my child. In short, the time we needed a so-called 'family' support the most. They never for once offered to come home to render any helping hand. at the most came for a fifteen days time to visit at times. In fact once when my dh asked them to stay back they were so loud and critical and blaming and left home in rage.i just cannot forget that day.

any way, days passed after that with them happy with their dd and we settled in our own life without them. and with intermittent help from my parents. Then one fine day, they decided they will come and did that in a way, as if that is the most natural thing to do. Not only that, in the process of making their come back they insulted and misbehaved with my parents who took care of me and my baby during and after my deliver.they did make that very clear that it is their son's sole responsibility to take care of his parents which some how he was not doing till then and in fact their large hearted dd was the one filling that blank.

I know i have responsibility towards them and I'll surely do it but some how i have never been able to come to terms with their show of natural rights, authorities, privilege, being large hearted with us being the narrow minded ones etc with which they moved back in with us. this is a nagging thought that keeps disturbing me often. Just want to know how you felt when your in laws moved in with you. did they show the same natural rights no matter what??

DKI · Apr 16, 2014

My in-laws are still in India and we are here in the US, yet they show that same characteristic....that what ever their son does, he owes them everything. Yes they did raise him (all parents raise their kids!) But they cannot expect him to still divulge every small piece of information to them. He used to do so, but stopped when he realized that for every news he gives them, they find a way to take advantage and on a couple of occasions they even went and complained to others. Now everything is in a need to know basis only.

They still hate it when he says he or DS talked to my parents, because according to them only they should be important in their lives. They tried to tell me the same when I was newly married, but I made it very clear to them that my parents and sister would always come first. After all like my inlaws feel, my family is the only one that is related to me by blood!!!

I know the day when they move in permanently will soon be here and I am really dreading it, but its inevitable (DS is their only child) and I can just hope that my job becomes much more demanding than now so that I have something to focus on for atleast 8-10 hours a day!

shobhamumbaikar · Apr 18, 2014

DKI said: ↑

My in-laws are still in India and we are here in the US, yet they show that same characteristic....that what ever their son does, he owes them everything. Yes they did raise him (all parents raise their kids!) But they cannot expect him to still divulge every small piece of information to them. He used to do so, but stopped when he realized that for every news he gives them, they find a way to take advantage and on a couple of occasions they even went and complained to others. Now everything is in a need to know basis only.

They still hate it when he says he or DS talked to my parents, because according to them only they should be important in their lives. They tried to tell me the same when I was newly married, but I made it very clear to them that my parents and sister would always come first. After all like my inlaws feel, my family is the only one that is related to me by blood!!!

I know the day when they move in permanently will soon be here and I am really dreading it, but its inevitable (DS is their only child) and I can just hope that my job becomes much more demanding than now so that I have something to focus on for atleast 8-10 hours a day!
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you are right. i am all the more stunned to see their assertion of rights. My mil always has this 'i-know-it-all' and 'i-deserve-it-all' attitude and constantly tries to prove me villain and prove anything i do as wrong. And anywhere anything goes wrong, she has an astonishing capacity to link my name with it while mentioning it so that some how it sounds that i am some how responsible for it.

persecutedDIL · Apr 18, 2014

My ILs haven't moved with me yet but I wouldn't be too happy if they moved in with me before the next 6-7 years as I would want to have ample time with my husband and not-yet-born-kids. Apart from their immature, overly interfering and inordinately suspicious behaviour towards me, what I wouldn't like would be how it would restrict my parents and family members' visit to my place and even my visit to my parents and relatives. Because if ever I go, they would keep crying and whining that their DIL doesn't take care of them.

By the way, am I wrong to expect that they should give us 6-7 years because, until now even my husband hasn't moved in with me. If my husband doesn't feel responsible for me even after several years of marriage, why should I be expected to feel responsible for my husband's parents ?

Well, given the above, I have decided (what I advised to one of the ladies), that they wouldn't move in with us, but would stay in a rented apartment in whichever society we stay so that there is minimum interference from them and their relatives.

What really boggles me is not the fact of MILs and FILs wanting to stay with their son and DIL all of whom lead very busy lives but the fact that they don't want to themselves make any sacrifices in this deal - they'll lead it as if the DIL is at their beck and call and has no life of her own, they'll keep calling their relatives at their son's place and make all such demands as if a DIL has no right to be ambitious in her professional life but should be chained to and driven by the daily demands of the extended household.

So, yes OP, all PILs assume 'natural rights' and keep asserting them from day one of the son's marriage. Stories of DILs would be different but the essence of the story is the same - PILs will never learn to 'do unto others as you would like them do unto you'!

Heaven forbid such a life of servitude for DILs!