For all ILites

I guess people pluck ripe ready made daughters from trees. No one keeps them in the womb for 9 months and goes through labor pains. No ones stays awake at night to take care of them.They are just miracles that are brought on earth just to appreciate and admire the gift of God that their In laws gave birth to.They were just put on this earth to take care of someone else's parents with heads bowed and mouths sealed.They should just be so grateful that the MIL gave birth to a son unlike that person who made the mistake of giving birth to her,a girl.

I am sick and tired of reading this crap day in and day out. It is high time the mothers of sons get over this thinking and understand that the only way they will deserve the love and respect of this girl from someone else's womb is by treating her with love and respect. You brought up your son like your Dil mother brought up your DIL.No one did any one a favor. You bring a life into the world....you have to take care of it.A baby 's smile and love was what you got in return for your pains. Don't milk the motherhood drama for life. Get over it!

 

I understand when few ilites go over the board in the process of venting while others are genuinely having their set of problems. in either the case their main intention is to vent out here makin indusladies as their only source/destination to vent out their frustration to live in peace, so I can not myself get into their shoes or imagine my mom as one such troubling mil..never.

I find it totally harmless as long as it is healthy venting and not calling ex party with names. my younger brother is yet to get married and mil can never be a mother how much ever good she is..it is going to be same be it my mom,husband's mom or anyone else mom.. just my opinion

 

I don't think many would understand you. Many members here will not buy your concept of having to look at the issue from MIL's perspective. They will soon bombard you with verbal abuses, saying, 'What if the MIL has done so much sacrifice in the up-bringing of her DS ? what is the big deal in it ? any mother in the world does it ? Does it mean, having brought up her DS gives her an authority to create trouble to me ? Why doesn't she just move thousand kms away from us and leave us alone always ? Why the hell she keeps trying to endear herself emotionally close to my husband ? Doesn't she understand my DH is all mine ?"

Soon, you will hear such views and I am sure this thread will become one of the longest threads in this Forum !

sometime back, I made an attempt similar to yours, justifying the MIL's point of view. The thread grew longer and longer and finally, I saw , only 3 (0ld) members agreeing to my view point and all others disagreeing with me.

Finally I asked the Moderator to close that thread . Just have a look , when you are free :
http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/243690-mils-perspective-dil-mil-conflicts.html

 

Hi DrPreetha,

I don't completely agree with you. Even I love my mom, even I love my son. But I never claim in future that I did this for you and have sacrificed this thing for you. It's all a mother's and dad's duty. If a mother can't spend a time for her son and can't bring up to a good level, then that parent no need to plan a kid.

In some situation as elder we should take the pain on our shoulder since our kid is a kid, that is the same situation your MIL has come through that night. If she don't do this for our own kid then we are heart less. It's just a duty a mother should do it. If you think like that and do it whole heartily for your kids, you will never have any expectation from your kids in future. Don't do anything for kids keeping the future in mind. Son and DIL or Daughter and SIL should given enough freedom to live their life. Parents can be a good guidance, parents and parents-in-laws are more matured than their son/daughter or sil or dil. They should think how to win their hearts rather than claiming what they have done when their are kids.

It's completely a kiddish/immature character when a mil/fil don't understand or don't adjust with a DIL/SIL. Any mother should think their duty is over when the son is gets married, a daughter from a family should be treated well first rather than mil feeling insecure.

 

I agree, There are bad and good people in this world. Generally people out here reply and be supportive to only those people who has genuine problem with their MIL. I have seen people ignoring the post if its some kind of silly attitude/adjustment problem.
I agree that we all should respect our MIL. After all she is a lady, elder to us, our family. But OP, some of them really do not deserve this. If i have a girl child, i want her to respect her MIL. but never ever at the cost of her self respect and her own sanity. We, In india teach our kids to respect PIL but that is misunderstood and expect a girl to be puppet. That is a big NO NO.
Like boy's mother, girl's mother do all those things to their daughter. How many guys consider all that love? Do guys even consider their wife's mother like their mother? I have seen some guys even calling their MIL 'amma'. I am sure those guy's mother deserve a lot of respect and love. Its not easy for a mother to see her son calling or considering someone else 'amma'. So as long as there is a mutual respect and love, every mother deserves love care and respect.
We can not expect a DIL to respect and be a part of family whilst her wishes, her parents are not treated properly.
Now is the time to redefine 'Adarsh Bahu'. and give the right to DIL to speak up if she feels something is not right.

 

Dr Preetha
I think most people tell DILs such things because a few posts portray scenes that can be ignored. But as a DIL myself facing such scenarios, I can empathize. Most of the times we DILs tolerate too many things for days, and end up venting for a scenario which may sound silly to a lot.

Just because a MIL has sacrificed her life for her son, she does not have the rights to shout at, abuse, humiliate, or keep commanding the DIL. Note, I never said a MIL should not advise or suggest. Most of the DILs here would never mind getting a MIL's piece of experience or expertise.

Living 24*7 MIL's perspective of life is impossible, frustrating and depressing. A DIL is educated as her DH, earns, take care of household chores, share his ups and downs, and have emotional part of life, which no mother can share. The same way a DIL cannot do all the things a mother can. It is high time MILs know where to draw the lines. Most of the times MILs have complete control over their DHs and that is the reason for the emotional insecurity. Matured behavior is what is required from MILs' ends. If we cannot expect them to behave matured at the age of at least 47 to 50, a girl half of the age can be excused from the same.

 

A sincere attempt to make the things clear.. The point is Girl's mother has done all these things too. How can someone love their spouse's mother when her own mom is not being treated properly. Agree?