Some red flags in this marriage

I am not sure about where to post this thread. Mods, plz correct me!

This is all about the red flags of my brother's recent marriage. The girl is from our far relations, but we seldom interacted with them prior to this marriage proposal.

All the issues started around me; hence I am a bit nervous about my next move with regards to their life.

A little bit of background:-

We are 3 siblings. Our dad passed away some years back, and it was myself and my brother who stood by the family to uplift everyone's life. All 3 of us are professionals in our own stream, earns so good, and live a reasonably good life.
One by one, we got married and settled in our own marriage life happily. It is now time for my brother to settle in his marriage, to which we have tried our maximum to ensure he select the nicest bride for his future.

My brother had a past love affair, where he had to let his love go due to some horoscope missed match - The girl's parents were too strict on that, and didn't approve their love after finding 0 match between the couple. It took him some years to get over with that failure. The girl is now happily married with a kid in abroad.

My brother became normal only after my first child was born. He is a replica of my brother, and they both gel so good. My brother would go to any extend to make my son happy, and so the little one loves his uncle so dearly.
The entire family is amazed about their attachment, and look a like features/characters and so happy about it.

We had been searching for a bride to my brother for about 2+ years. My brother is an Engineer, who works so hard, and also runs a private business. Thus he preferred to marry a Home Maker sort of a woman, so that he could at least relax at home peacefully.
Many good matches were rejected only for the "educational background" and " career" of the brides, as we didn't want to force an educated woman to stay at home or a career woman to quit.
But finally, this relative girl turned out to be matching with his demands, as she is reasonably educated (12th), good looking with no desire to work. The family is from the village, so we thought they would be innocents. So we fixed the match as my brother liked her anyway.

The bride's family willingly announced that they would donate their home to their DD, and provide some 40 pawns of gold as dowry. Further they said that they have a FD account for their DD with US$ 30000. They also said that their DD is very active, works around the home 24/7, and keep it clean always. The announcement was made as casual during the engagement before both sets of family and friends. Since we had no intention to demand anything, we left it like that till the wedding date. But, to our surprise no one from the bride's side showed interest on giving the so called dowry during or after the wedding.

The family was too good to us. They were bending backward towards us, and gifting us a lot (even for a casual visit, they made sure they bring something to everyone of us). We were too naive to trust them that time.

Just a month before the wedding, the elders of the family have completely cut all of their marriage related talks with us, but they were casually inquiring about our well-beings as usual.
Whenever we started discussing about anything, they would say.. "we have already discussed this with your son/brother, and as per his idea we are progressing".
Since we sisters are married and settled separately, we didn't bother too much about the details of their wedding plans - It was our mistake. My mom was/is too naive to be carried away by sweet words, and she is too sensitive that she always avoids any controversial talks that would irk the situation.

Just a couple of days before the marriage only, I came to know that my brother is struggling to make this marriage happen as he had already spent almost all his savings and applied for a loan to meet the remaining expenses. Representing a groom's family, I found it extremely odd as all the expenses related to this wedding was made to spend by my brother.

It seems the bride contacted by brother before marriage to convey their wedding plans. She demanded the jewelries, the weight of such jewelries, the wedding saree, the theme of the wedding and how the entire arrangement should go. They said that they are planning to give all the money/spending since they are unable to break the FD account that they have on their DD's name before it's maturity. And also, their promise of giving a house, jewels and other materials made my brother feel guilt to ask them spend for this marriage regardless of their excuses. He believed them, or he was made to trust them wholeheartedly (I say so, as far as I know, my brother has never been this naive before).

Nevertheless, till the wedding date, there was no sign of giving the said dowry. So, as advised by our relatives, my mother asked the girl's mom secretly about their plans in this regard. To which that woman screamed loud, and said that they wouldn't run away after the marriage, and if we doubt they can hire a lawyer right away (at 11pm) and give the dowry. This made my mom uncomfortable; hence she kept quit - rather felt guilt for asking so.

During the marriage, they did not treat us good. It was unexplainable in words, but we could sense the difference. We ignored that, and thought the family should be either too busy or upset about the previous night's incident.

At the wedding hall, the MIL of my brother screamed at me saying why did you made this Thali this way, we are not happy about this. Later, they sidelined my little son whenever he wanted to take pics with my brother - To which my brother became too infuriated, and reacted. He warned the MIL to mind her words, specially with his sister (me) and mom, else he would leave his wife no matter what. He asked her to give the dowry as promised, and ask sorry for her mistakes. To which they agreed it seems.

We have never shown our disagreements to our brother so far, but later only we learnt from him about his reactions on his wedding night (that time we have already left the scene).

On the day of home coming the MIL had shown a tough face towards me. When I attempted to welcome her by formally hugging, she refused it in public. I ignored that too. But somewhat someone had made my brother aware of this, and he is again upset with his wife for this matter.

After a couple of days, we (my family, sister's family) left from my brother's house to our respective homes. But we were on touch with our mom via phone on a daily basis.

This is what we hear from our mom:
1. The girl sleeps almost all the time inside her room, by leaving my 66 years of age mom to look after that new home. When mom inquires about it, she says she is unable to work, doesn't know cooking so asked my brother to look for a full time help
2. She and her mom complained about my brother's new house instead of praising his hard-work. They also had reservations about his newly purchased land. They feel it is not a suitable place for their DD to stay long
3. The girl brought some Jewels when coming to her new home. That is ofcouse not equal to 40 pawns (but some 10 pawns), and she wants to keep those jewels in her mom's home. My mom has instructed her to keep the jewel with her (read: with the girl and not with mom) as she might be invited for parties and gatherings as a new bride, and it would be tough to travel 5hrs to her mom's place just to bring the jewels every time. To which she remained quit, but in fact left all her jewels at her mom's place when they visited there.
3. The girl complains of the bathroom, as you know the washrooms in the cities could not be compared to the open washing space of a village. She keeps all her dresses unwashed, and takes them to her village every weekends. This is to demand my brother drive her to her mom's place every weekends by leaving his private business unattended.
4. She has started brainwashing my brother it seems. Because when my mom had asked her to do something, she misunderstood it, and conveyed a mean message to my brother about my mom. My brother is too vocal, so he inquired about it right away to clear the misunderstandings.
5. Now a days, she tries her level best to separate my son and my brother which of course I can not help, but too painful to see my little son missing his dear uncle.
6. SIL's elder sister had made her Husband sell his own home and deposit the lump sum in her name, and reside in their relative's (MIL's brother) empty house. We fear the same could happen to my brother in the long run, if we continue to stay away.

My mom is to live with me as I have 2 young kids. She spends just the initial days with SIL, but now strangely my brother wants mom to stay with him always. He doesn't say anything openly, but feels too lonely after marriage.

He demands me to come to my home with mom (which is in walkable distance from his home) but 3 hrs drive one way to our office (me and Husband). Distance was the main reason for us to settle in the metro instead of commuting daily. But we sisters' feel guilt for not staying close with our brother when he is going through a tough/unexpected time in his life. Also I feel extra guilt for keeping mom with me.

Sorry for the long post. Didn't know how to express my views properly. Looking forward to your valuable insights. Thanks

 

We can not visit every now and then to their home, so I tried calling my brother to alert him to be careful, specially when it comes to money matters. But I did not feel comfortable to discuss all these red flags openly with him. Also, I am still not sure whether as an outsider, I am still eligible to discuss their personal issues at the first place.

I know that my brother would react harsh if I complain anything about his in laws, but at the end of the day, such misunderstanding will lead to an unhappy marriage to him. I have my own life, where I am perfectly happy. I don't want to spoil the initial days of happiness and the importance of laying a strong foundations of my brother's life. That's why I seek your guidance here.

 

In our culture, weddings are like festivals. There are several functions accompany with each wedding. As per the tradition, each side (groom's and bride's) is responsible for each functions.
For instance, if the bride's family is spending everything on the wedding, then the groom's family need to take up 100% responsibility for the home coming function. Jewels need to be purchased more or less equally, although 95% of the jewels will be worn by the bride. Similarly there are plenty of customs regarding this.

My brother was asked to spend for both the marriage and home coming, plus for the jewels and customs by the bride with a sweet promise of paying back all the expenditure right after the marriage, once their FD matures.
According to my brother, the bride has requested him to pay so, as aperently the FD was to mature a couple of weeks after the marriage, and if they break the conditions and withdraw the money before, the bank won't pay them the interest, which is a lot.
This is a marriage and it has to be built on trust at the first place. Also they are our relatives, and they can't simply run away from us after marrying their DD to our family. Further, it felt odd to force them to spend when they humbly requested the above citing "loss of bank interest" as a reason. So, altogether my brother gave in.

I agree. Had he discussed this with us before giving in, he would have escaped from this. But fault lies not only in him, but in us too. We have recently moved from our native, and took mom too with us. So, my brother was left all alone there to handle everything on his own. (Although we were just 3 hrs away from him, and were available on phone all the time)

Representing grooms family means:
In our culture, there are certain things that a groom and his family needs to spend on his wedding. There are certain things that he needs to spend after the wedding. Basically the groom spends little on the wedding, but spend a lot (life long spending for the family during all the occasions) after the wedding.
But bride's family spend a lot on the wedding day, as it is mostly done by the bride's side only. But after the wedding, bride's family take a back and from that point onwards it is the groom who is responsible for every spending related to his wife.

It was weird when my brother has been asked to spend on everything at the wedding and afterwards. Although the reasons cited was agreeable, but at the end of the day it is none other than cheating.